It's All For Him

And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or wife or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life.  -Matthew 19:29

My new life is starting, the life where my ex-wife is not one flesh with me.  I truly gave up my wife to be closer to Him.  In her Match.com profile she says she is looking for an atheist.  She tells me I need to find a Christian woman, someone that won't scoff at my lifestyle.  She's right, and if I had the choice between being the hurter or the hurtee, I would choose the hurtee every time.

Due to some complications with the divorce (The court dismissed my case saying that she was never served divorce papers.  However, she was served.  The court lost the documents.). I had to appear before a judge to have the case reinstated.  So, at 8:30 AM I sat down in a court room with many others and waited to appear before the judge.  Those with lawyers went before those without (since lawyers charge by the hour).  I watched case after dysfunctional case.  My case was one of the last to be heard since I represented myself.  I had a front row seat to our broken world.  As the noon hour came and went, I think most people would have complained to themselves at having to waste their whole morning.  But, it gave me perspective.  I have the best baby daddy situation I've ever heard of.  I got the kids, the house, most of the possessions, the child support.  My ex-wife just walked away and things are mostly civil.  I didn't even need to pay a lawyer.  I have no doubt in my mind that my heavenly Father is watching out for me; He has given me a spacious place.  My case was at last called and I whispered a silent prayer as I stood, "God, hold me."  I approached the judge.  I won my case and the divorce was put back on track.

How abundant are the good things
    that you have stored up for those who fear you,
that you bestow in the sight of all,
    on those who take refuge in you.
    -Psalm 31:19

Sometimes I have trouble saying "Your will be done," when I pray because of what those types of prayers have done to my life.  I'm such a fool when I think this way.  Even now He gives me glimpses of what He prepares for me.  Each tear shed along the journey will have been worth it.  Times I have doubted "His will be done" will be hilarious.  I will look back at my suffering with a wide smile, I have no doubt.  It's just that it can be hard when you're in the moment and your world seems chaotic.

Money is tight, even with child support.  I turned my worry into prayer.  Isn't God amazing?  Why is He so good to me?

Meanwhile, my ex-wife was involved in a car accident.  She is fine but her car has about $4000 worth of damage to it.  One of the ways I hold out hope that she would come to Christ is through crisis (or through her kids leading her).  She has not hit rock bottom yet, but knowing what I know about the choices she continues to make, I think she is heading for it rapidly.  We make choices in life and those choices make us.  We make our bed and we have to sleep in it.  How she acted those first 2 weeks after she came back, that was how it was supposed to be.  I didn't give up on that version of "us"; she did.  I can't be held responsible for what she has become instead.  Pray for her.

If I'm not careful I can dwell too much on her mistakes.  Bitterness can make you miss moments in life.  I took an hour break in my hot tub and at the end of the hour I realized I had been absent the whole time, a prisoner to thoughts that were no longer my problem.  I had about 1 minute total, at the end, where I heard and felt the cool rain drops that night.  I have since figured out a way NOT to dwell on her mistakes.  Instead, I refocus my thoughts on myself and how I can avoid falling into the same sin.  What can I learn and how can I apply this to my own life?  I can't change her I can only change myself.

I came home one night and felt a little down. My ex-wife was at the house putting the kids to bed (she has visitation on Tuesdays & Thursdays). I was in the kitchen and Brynn, my 3 year old, came running up to me, "Daddy, God loves you." I knelt down and told her that God loves her, too. She went back to her room and a little while later she ran back up to me, "Daddy, God is always with you." This is something that she was taught in our new children's ministry at HomeFront and a concept we are focusing on at home. My ex-wife watched all of this. Brynn walked up to her and said, "Mommy, God loves you." What a smart kid, I thought to myself. I found out later that Brynn had also asked mommy to pray with her. Apparently my 3 year old took my ex-wife by the hand and the 3 year old did the praying. I wish I could have listened to it because I have never heard Brynn pray before. I don't know what kind of effect this has on my ex-wife, or if one day it will change her heart, but I know that my Brynn gave me hope that anything is possible.

I mentioned that I had dedicated my house to God with my small group.  All these things that I keep in the divorce, they are all on loan.  They are not mine, they are His.  Even my children.  The time approached to dedicate to raising the kids in a Christ-centered home.  I had previously signed up to have the kids dedicated at Church, but the week before the ceremony I found out that my then wife had rejected Christ for atheism.  I did not feel right dedicating them at that time because a house divided cannot stand.  Now, she is gone.

Sometimes I will secretly watch one of the kids playing.  They are so innocent and sweet.  I wonder what kind of effect the divorce will have on them.  I get really sad knowing that they have already had a taste of hardship.  My ex-wife's decisions have had a negative effect on the kids.  I have forgiven her the affair, I have forgiven her the abandonment, I have forgiven her the financial waste.  I need to forgive her for what she has done to the three children.  This is a hard one.  I never thought I'd be a single dad raising a 5, 3, and 1 year old.  I don't think anyone would deny I have been dealt an awful hand.  My test will be how I play that hand.

It's a massive responsibility to live my life in such a way that my kids choose Christ instead of the morally relative ways of their mother.  So many in the world today shape God into their own image rather than acknowledge the truth that they were made in His image.  Even "Christians" can be guilty of doing this, rejecting certain portions of the scripture because they don't agree with His ways.  But His ways are higher than mine, and my children must understand this, too.  I've heard it said that a child's understanding of God comes from the personality of their father.  I'm not sure how much truth to put into that theory, but just in case I must guard my every action and word.

As the child dedication approached, I sat down with Pastor Josh to go over the details.  We were to go up on stage before our Church family where Josh would read a letter that I had written to the kids.  I would then declare that I had accepted Jesus Christ as my savior and declare that I would raise the kids in a Christ-centered home.  The Church family would then declare their support and Josh would pray over us.  Josh told me he had no reservations about this dedication.  He told me that I have more faith than many families with two parents.  I needed to hear that.  Sometimes this walk can be so hard and we constantly wonder if we are walking it as we should.

Below is the video of the Child Dedication.  The kids seemed to have a good time up on stage.


Moving ahead in my new life, I sometimes find myself worrying.  The Bible gives us many instances of sound theology about how and why we are not to worry.  That's all well and good when we have our Bibles open listening to a sermon in Church.  But what about when your wife, the mother of your three children, cheats on you?  What then?  What about when you pour your heart into reconciliation, but she does not?  What then?  I would like to think I have that all figured out but the truth is that God is still working on me.  I'm seeking first His Kingdom and I must trust that everything else will be added to me.  There is only one type of person that need worry in this life:  a person without Christ.

On the day of my divorce, worry reared its ugly head when I seemingly lost the paper work hours before I was to appear in court.  I remembered the end of Matthew chapter 6 as I scrambled around the house.  I was a parabola of worry and faith.  First would enter into my head thoughts like, "How could I be so stupid?" followed by thoughts of "God is in control.  Lord, I place this problem in your hands." followed by "Why isn't it where it's supposed to be?!" followed by "It's okay.  Even if the divorce doesn't happen today, His will be done."  Suddenly, the location of the paperwork sprang into my mind and I retrieved it.

The day of my divorce felt like my anti-wedding.  The gravity of the situation set in.  It felt dark.  What had started with a priest would end with a judge.  Once again I prayed, "God, hold me."

At the court house I sat waiting outside the judge's courtroom.  Time passed and more people began showing up and waiting.  In fact, things seemed to be running behind.  The court room was 20 minutes late from opening.  Like a flash of lightning I stood up, realizing something was wrong.  I asked the other folks if they were waiting for the same courtroom to open.  They were not.  I left the 6th flood and went down the elevator to the 1st flood to consult the map and find out where the clerk was located.  The clerk was on the 2nd floor so I went there next.  She explained that my case was being refereed on the 4th floor.  I went there and entered the courtroom just as the last case was being heard.  I checked in.  If I had been 3 minutes later the courtroom would have adjourned and I would have had to reschedule.  But that didn't happen.  God held me.  He guided me and would not let me screw it up.

From there, the divorce was finalized.  I am unyoked.  My new life is all for Him.

The Folly of the Fool

The wisest of women builds her house, but folly with her own hands tears it down.  -Proverbs 14:1

I recently listened to a devotional by Chuck Swindoll that spoke directly to me.  'Fool' is a term we do not use much these days.  However, the Bible has a lot to say about the fool.  A whole lot.  The Bible shoots straight with its truth, calling a spade a spade.  Please, take a listen to a small portion of what scripture says about the fool and see if it can be applied to fools in your own life, or maybe, if you're open to being challenged, even to yourself.





I have been called a fool - by my own wife - because of my belief in Christianity.  How ironic that the Bible tends to associate the word 'fool' with the non-believer.  The fool says in his heart, “There is no God.” They are corrupt, doing abominable iniquity; there is none who does good.  -Psalm 53:1

To quote the great theologian Mr. T, "I pity the fool."  A fool has to live with who they are.  That is why I think Chuck was right in his interpretation when he suggests that isolation is the best medicine for the fool.  The fool harms many people in their wake, none more so than themselves.  But let's not underscore the hurt caused to others by the fool.  One person's selfish decisions can ruin so many lives so deeply.  If you currently reside in the wake of a fool, perhaps you spend your nights wondering when they will come home and what they are out doing and with whom.  Maybe you wonder why you are kept from going along with them.  Isolate the fool and those nights are no longer your problem.  Leave the presence of a fool, for there you do not meet words of knowledge.  -Proverbs 14:7

To free yourself from the inner prison of the fool, you must forgive them.  Forgiveness does not mean you keep being the victim.  Fools will try to convince you that you are playing the victim when in fact you are the victim of their folly.  Forgiveness means you let go of bitterness, you pray for them, you accept their repentance (if it ever comes), and you don't count their mistakes against them.  Forgiveness does not mean trusting future behavior.  If the fool continues to live a life of hurtful folly, forgive them 7 times 70 times, but isolate them.  Unyoke and be free of the fool.  They cannot be reasoned with.  Your wise words mean nothing to the fool.  The wise lay up knowledge, but the mouth of a fool brings ruin near.  -Proverbs 10:14

I feel like a fool for putting up with the folly for so long.  I remember how 2 different groups of friends warned me that my then wife's relationship with one of her girl friends seemed inappropriate.  I should have listened to them.  Her friend was one of the first people she publicly made out with after I got myself out of the situation for good.  Who knows what went on when they hung out so late each week?  It's not worth wondering.  Just let it go.  hand this man over to Satan for the destruction of the flesh, so that his spirit may be saved on the day of the Lord.  -1 Corinthians 5:5

Fools bring folly down on themselves, digging themselves deeper and deeper into the pit.  What have the fools in your life done to themselves?  Perhaps they have lost just about everything.  The Play Boy lifestyle that the fool seeks suddenly becomes impossible due to their own bad decisions, for the ways of the world promise freedom but true freedom can only come through Christ Jesus.  Calamity plagues them.  Let the story of the fool be a cautionary tale.  But, sometimes hitting rock bottom may be the best thing for a fool, for only then will they consider calling out to God to be placed instead on a firm foundation.  He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.  -Psalm 40:2-3

Beware the mouth of a fool.  Out of it comes all sorts of profanity and nonsense.  Protect your little ones from the tongue of the fool, lest they use those words in their vocabulary.  The tongue of the wise commends knowledge, but the mouths of fools pour out folly.  -Proverbs 15:2  Watch out, criticisms of how children are treated are counted against you by the fool; the fool will tell you that you're too critical and will seek retribution.  Compare the fool to the non fool and you will see a contrast in character.  The fool's profanity is not limited to swearing, but also to sexually immoral innuendos.  As Christians we must be careful what we stand for and stand by.  Unbelievers are watching us, waiting to call us hypocrites.  If I stand for sin, I pray my Christian brothers and sisters will correct me in all meekness that my life will bear fruit for my kids so that they may know Christ.

The fool admires them self in the mirror, thinking how much fun it would be to abandon the domestic lifestyle of the family, to instead put this worldly beauty on display to be chased.  "I'm so hot," they think.  Sadly, the world will swallow them up and spit them out.  Like a gold ring in a pig's snout is a beautiful woman who shows no discretion.  -Proverbs 11:22

In this I have full confidence:  that over time, with the passing of years, it will go better for them that live in the freedom of the Word than for those who say in their heart there is no God.  To the person who pleases him, God gives wisdom, knowledge and happiness, but to the sinner he gives the task of gathering and storing up wealth to hand it over to the one who pleases God.  This too is meaningless, chasing after wind.  - Ecclesiastes 2:26

Pray for the fools in your life, they need it the most.  Just because their folly hurts us doesn't mean we stop loving them.  Those hitting rock bottom sometimes have the best chance to come to Christ.  Besides, haven't we all played the fool at one time or another?

My Work Here is Done

For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.’  - Matthew 25:42-43

My wife has moved out.  The kids and I have the house to ourselves again.  This time it's different though, because this time I asked for the divorce.  My work here is done.

When I ponder this choice, a choice that determines the direction of the rest of my life, I do NOT wonder if I somehow failed her, I only wonder if I somehow failed Him.  I take that as a good sign.  Four times since the decision was made I have prayed to God, "God, have I done the right thing?"  All four times a peace has come over me; my anxiety vanished in a tangible, literal way.

When she came back, we had 2 good weeks at home.  However, I poured my soul into 5 months.  I tried, and did so under some of the worst circumstances.  She did not try.  She says, "My heart wasn't in it."  But, surely I tell you, a marriage takes two.  Toward the end, I decided to count the cost of staying with her.  I realized very quickly that my list of costs was, well, stupid:

• Married to someone with a different definition of marriage.
• Married to someone that is mean to me on a daily basis.
• Married to someone who flirts with other people.
• Constant depression.
• Constant rejection.

Is this a list of costs?  Or is this a list of reasons to run in the opposite direction, to take Matthew 19:9 and unyoke?  I couldn't find it in myself to be a servant to someone who treats me like a doormat.  I feel guilty about that sometimes but it had become increasingly clear that my work with her was finished.  I had kept giving it month after month.  But she wasn't trying, she didn't wear her ring, and our divorce that had been paid for would soon expire unless I invoked the final steps.  Not all abuse is physical, sometimes it's emotional.  When you're escaping abuse you don't always have a plan but what's important is that you get away from the abuser.  I don't know what direction my life will take from here but I do know this:  God did not lift me up so that I could run back to what knocked me down.

Having my wife back accomplished several things that I am aware of, and perhaps a few mysteries that I am not aware of.  Here's what I know:

• The Israel trip is still happening.  Thanks to this 5 months it financially can happen.
• Seed was cast as in the parable of the sower (Matthew 13).  I just don't know where it will land.  Either way, my life was the proof of Christ's love.
• I learned Grace.
• I taught Grace.
• I will never have to wonder, "What if?"  I got my answer.

My wife is not 100% at fault for the divorce.  However, I want to make this clear and I need to say this:  I'm not 50% at fault.  I'm not even 20%.  I accept my portion of blame in the divorce and I wish her the best of luck trying to find someone with no faults.  However, her solution to those problems (cheating and not trying to reconcile) are squarely on her.  While I worked through devotionals to improve my marriage, she was sleeping with another man.  An affair is the coward's way and I cannot bestow bravery.  I have enough sin in my life to ask forgiveness for without heaping on hers.  Make a list of my sins and hurl your stones but please leave the lies off the list.  Sometimes the Enemy will whisper lies.  Sometimes I believe them.  But when I really break it down, really look at the facts, I realize that they are just lies.  My wife has a tendency to blame-shift, to blame anyone but herself (me / the kids), to manipulate the conversation in such a way so as to justify cheating on me.  To all those out there that are victims of emotional abuse, do not believe these lies.  They will make the abuse seem like your own fault.  They will drag you down.  I remember asking her to forgive me my portion of the blame; she told me she did not know if she could.  There was no grace in her heart for my portion.

Looking back now I recall one of the mornings that she pretended to go into work early so that she could go sleep with him.  Her car was snowed in at the end of the driveway.  I got out of my warm bed and prepared to go into the cold to dig her out.  She was adamant about not letting me perform this act of service.  She wanted desperately to believe that I wasn't a sweet guy, that she was justified in her actions.  Lies.  I have two core lies about myself that I struggle with.  One is that I'm a failure.  This lie has in the past driven me to try too many hobbies and spread myself thin trying to be the best.  My life is different now but I still need to watch out for that lie manifesting itself in other forms.  The second lie is that I'm a bad husband.  The truth is that I'm a good husband.  Don't get that confused with perfect husband, but I am a good husband.

My wife has a problem forgiving herself, and I wonder sometimes if it has to do with the fact that she doesn't take responsibility in the first place.  Yes, I was critical when I asked for more help with the house work.  Yes, I was critical when I got angry at how she spoke to the kids and treated them.  Yes, I was critical that her promises to me, both big and small, were rarely followed through on.  Yes, I could have showed more grace in all three areas.  She also informed me that I had let my appearance go.  All of these are petty reasons to give up on your marriage.  My wife is a prime example of someone who defends their sin rather than mourns over it (consider the difference between King Saul and King David).

"It will never do to plead sin as an excuse of sin, or to attempt to justify sinful acts by pleading that we have an evil heart.  This instead of being a valid apology, is the very grounds of our condemnation."  -Archibald Alexander

Relationships are not perfect, and if you go into them thinking they will be you are setting yourself up for failure.  God will judge me, and He will judge her.

There were some straws that broke the camel's back, so to speak, but I don't want to get into them lest you think they were the reason.  I'd rather mention overall ideas wherein my wife and I have a different definition of marriage.  I feel jaded; how did I manage to choose a person with a disregard for marriage?  Where does my fault lie?  For instance, I wore my ring, she did not.  She wanted to go out until 3 AM to the bar with guys and girls and I was not allowed to join.  She password protected her phone; I thought that being "one flesh" meant that we did not have password protected parts of our lives.  She would later admit that she was using her phone to look at pornography; once again she had broken a promise to me.  Intimacy with her husband had been replaced by porn (a little research online led me to know that this was not uncommon for porn addicts).  You can look at these things and take sides as to your own definition of marriage, but the point is that she and I are opposites when it comes to these things and more.  One of the first things she did after splitting was change her Facebook status to read, "Interested in Men and Women."  Rejecting Christ, turning to bi-sexuality and pornography, giving up on her marriage...  there's no doubt in my mind she is having a serious identity crisis.  It's hard looking at old photos of us as a family because she is no longer that person.  She is dramatically different.  It's no fun being married to a hedonist, spending her time in pursuit of pleasure even if that means sharing someone else's bed.  She needs God, but that is her choice, too.

On the night I told her I wanted a divorce she told me that it was not what she wanted.  I told her, "Convince me."  She said nothing.  There was no fight in her.  She had already mentally left months ago.  Even counseling was a matter of going through the motions.  She even skipped counseling in the week leading up to this.  I wonder sometimes what she meant by, "It's not what I want."  Want what?  Not me.  Money?  A house?  Security?  Now, she says the divorce is a mutual decision.

Telling the kids was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.  My wife didn't even cry.  I have only seen her cry about this whole mess a few times, and each time she has cried because of the shame she feels around her friends.  Whether real or imagined she feels rejected by them.  All I can tell her is that they will come around.  I tell her to live out the rest of her life in a manner that will prove any of their negative conceptions wrong.  I reassure her that I forgive her and that I love her.  There's nothing more I can do for her.  I leave it in the hands of the almighty God.  No matter how powerful we think we are there are some things that we can't do, like change a soul.  She has to live with her choices, and I can't make her try.

There are moments when I forget all the bad.  I want to run to her and ask her to come home.  I make a quick mental list of the reasons that lead me to this choice.  I have to remember the words of Jesus in Matthew 19:9.  The feeling passes.  She and I could have been better than ever.  We both had to try for this to have worked.

God has placed 2 people in my life that have gone through very similar situations.  Both of these individuals (one a man and one a woman) caught their spouse cheating on them, tried to reconcile above and beyond, and both had to be the one to end the relationship.  Several long conversations later have helped further convince me that I made the right choice.  I thank God for both of them, and if they are reading this, it is no accident you came and talked to me.  Thank you.

At the advice of my former counselor, my Small Group and I went through my entire house praying in each room.  We dedicated the house and property to God.  I also placed my cross back over the front door.  This is once again a house of constant prayer and worship music.  No more walking on egg shells.  I can be my true self - my best me - in Christ.  Next time I won't wait so long to be the spiritual leader the husband is supposed to be.  That is my biggest regret.

My goal for this blog is to take the reader through my trip to Israel.  In the end I envision it to have 33 posts.  This is post #16.  The second half of this Blog stands to be quite different from the first half.  Consider this the end of Book 1.  Book 2 will have more challenging incites; are you ready for it?  This is not how I would have scripted my life, but I don't want to be the one to write the script anyway.

Here I am, God.  Send me.

A Conversation with the Creator of the Universe

Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, “This is the way; walk in it.” Isaiah 30:21

This walk can be so hard that we sometimes forget which way is up.  A bad counseling session put me even closer to the brink - the brink of being done with my marriage.  The coldness is becoming too much.  The fact that her phone is password protected and I can't even look at it even if she's present, is becoming too much (especially given her recent history).  No other marriage I know of has password protected areas.  What is she hiding?  Seeing her flirt with other guys right in front of me makes me wonder what she does with them when she is out late at night at the bar.  Why have 2 groups of people come forward to warn about the way she hangs out with one of her girlfriends, that same friend she is out late with every week?  I really began to question the point of trying anymore.  My walls were coming up.  My wedding ring came off.  I was tired of being the only one who wore their wedding ring in this marriage.

I knew that I needed some time in prayer.  A long time.  I needed to gather my bearings.  What was my purpose in all of this?  If I truly believe God brought her back, why did He bring her back?  What am I doing right in all of this?  What am I doing wrong?  I felt convicted to drop everything I was doing and pray.  But I didn't.  When I finally got around to it later that night I was unfocused and tired.  The questions remained.

The next day at HomeFront the sermon was on prayer.  It was a great service.  It was what I needed to hear.  When I got home I made the kids lunch and then put the two littlest ones down for a nap.  I asked my wife if it would be okay if I went for a walk alone.  She was fine with that.  So, I placed my wedding ring in my pocket and took off down Kent Trails.

"God, you already know what I'm going to ask," I began.  "I don't even know what I'm going to ask..."

The trail was completely empty.  However, not once did I feel alone.

I talked to God in prayer as I walked.  I asked Him my questions.  I spoke of what bothered me.  I needed to know what I could do better.  I needed to know how to move forward.  I needed to be reminded which way was up.

And after I was done talking, I listened.  I cleared my mind, shut my mouth, and I paid attention for the other half of the conversation.

It was an exquisite fall day.  The sky was a bit overcast and breezy.  The temperature was perfect.  Some trees had started to change color.  Birds chirped, squirrels and chipmunks scurried about gathering food for the winter.  And as I looked at His creation I realized, does God abandoned the trees to the seasons?  Do the animals die in the winter and never return?  Then how much less should I abandon my wife?

Even the pavement and the fences were set in motion by God, the same as the seed of each plant.  You allow it all.  You are God.  Your ways and thoughts are higher than my ways and thoughts.  So now are my ways higher than my wife's, for she rebels against you.  I decided to wear my ring for Him not for her.  I put it back on.  It had been off for 5 days.

I started to return home.  I asked the Spirit to convict me of anything that I am doing wrong.  I asked this question 3 times and the clouds parted and the sun shone for the rest of my walk.  When I got home I immediately began reading my Bible.  I didn't care that she saw me.  I read until we left to drop the kids off with Natalie and John so that my wife and I could go grab a bite to eat and catch a movie.  Usually when my wife and I would go out as a couple like this, she would wear her wedding ring (rare occasions).  However, today she did not.  No doubt she had noticed that I had not worn my ring for the last 5 days.  Perhaps she didn't notice that I had put mine back on.  She probably didn't want to be the only one wearing her ring.  Sound familiar?  I should have shown grace all along.

And before we ate that afternoon I bowed my head and closed my eyes and said grace silently, not caring that she saw me.  I will walk this life correctly and I will never walk alone, even if my wife doesn't walk it with me.

I married a Christian yet I teeter toward divorce with an atheist.  Our problems began around the same time she rejected Christ.  Do I truly believe my prayers will be answered and that she will be healed?  If so, it should dramatically affect how I act toward her.

Not long after this, God revealed something to me while I was driving.  He gave me a choice.  He told me that if I leave my marriage, happiness awaits.  Matthew 19:9 was available.  There is someone else, someone more perfect for me.  Someone far better.  Someone kind and full of the Spirit.  I knew the choice was mine to make.  I also knew somehow that there were no wrong answers in this choice.  However, it meant that my wife would be left with little hope.  After all my prayers for God to take this decision from me, His will is that I make the choice for myself.

Sometimes God says "No," sometimes He says "Go," this time He said "Slow."  I had some more thinking and praying to do.  Thanks for the talk.

A Psalm of Suffering

How long, LORD, must I call for help, but you do not listen? Or cry out to you, "Violence!" but you do not save? Habakkuk 1:2

Why have you brought her back?  To torment me?  I will not curse you for your ways are perfect.

If I lack patience please forgive me.  My perseverance will not fail.  My faith remains strong because of your Spirit.

How long must I wait for my help?  Can't even 1 angel be spared to tell me your will, to ensure my path is straight?

What unseen spiritual battle rages behind the veil?  What purpose do you have with me?  Tell me so that I can endure with a joyful heart.

Make known the happiness that awaits so my soul can suffer this injustice a 1000 times over.

For you work all things together for my good because I love you, and love comes from you.  All things under the sun are vanity without you.

If it be your will that I suffer so be it.  Teach me in my agony, for although grace remains unaccepted and not returned under the sun, you taught me how to be graceful.  Praise the LORD.

I lamented over Jerusalem, but you provided a miraculous path to the Jordan.  Was this your purpose in bringing her back for a time?  Praise the LORD.

I cried out to you over her as Israel cried for a king.  You showed my heart what it was not missing.  Your grace is enough.  All things are made perfect in their time.  Praise the LORD.

Thank you, sovereign God for setting eternity in the hearts of mankind.  Without that glimpse the meanness would be too hard, the coldness too deep, and the rejection too much.

LORD come quickly!  Remember your servant.  I know my help is on the way.  Praise the LORD.

The Mud Run

Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.  James 1:12

This photo was taken right before I dove into the water.

The day to run in the mud for Claim Your Campus had finally arrived.  I had not finished the entire Couch to 5K program but I had done over half of it.  I felt in a place physically where I could comfortably run an entire 5K... but this 5K was in the mud and had 16 obstacles.  Still, I wasn't intimidated.  I was excited.  I had no idea what the obstacles would be.

For me, the race served as a metaphor for life.  Some patches of the track were clear and smooth.  However, mud lurked just around the corner.  One of the very first obstacles was a large netted structure that we had to climb 2 stories up and over.  It's just a mountain, I remembered thinking, hurling over it.

Wendy and I after the race.

At the very beginning of the race I felt a twinge in my right foot.  "Oh no," I thought.  Thankfully, my foot only gave me trouble when I had to bend it upward at a 45 degree angle to climb hills.  I gritted and bared it, my thorn in the flesh.  In the race of life we will have our disadvantages and also our advantages.  My endurance, a gift from God, was my advantage and I persevered; I did not tire or grow weary.

When running the race it's best to have a friend to run with you.  I ran the race with Wendy that day.  Wendy had also been there for me during my metaphorical mud.  I hope everyone out there has a friend or two that they can call on when the mud hits the fan no matter what time of day or night.  Thank God for my Small Group; Matt and Tom have received numerous calls from me through my run.  Life's friendships aren't always perfect but we should always be there for our friends when they call.

Life's challenges should never be faced alone.  Most importantly, we need to rely on God.  As I reflect back on this summer, I'm thankful that my wife came home.  It has not been easy and there have been a lot of obstacles.  I'm not sure how our story ends.  I don't know what That Day will look like for her.  Will she stand before God spotless, or covered in mud?  All I can do is rely on God and the help of my friends and family as we pray without ceasing.

There are several verses in Scripture that I keep going back to.  I wrote them below along with the meanings that they have for me.

Let go.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.  Proverbs 3:5-6

Seek first the Kingdom of Heaven.

But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.  Matthew 6:33

My help is on the way.

My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.  Psalm 121:2

He loved me first (and died for me) while I was yet a sinner.

But God demonstrates his own love for us in this:  While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.  Romans 5:8

Suffer for His Name.

For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe in him, but also to suffer for him,  Philippians 1:29

Love God with all your heart, soul, strength, and mind.

He answered, "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind'; and, 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'"  Luke 10:27

Vengeance belongs to the LORD.  Be patient in waiting; His timing will be perfect.

Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, "Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord."  Romans 12:19

Once again, let go.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.  Romans 8:28


This summer was my hardest ever, but I want to count my blessings as well.  Below is a video of some precious moments with my family.

Enter the Password: 33

My Story

“But when the Helper comes, whom I will send to you from the Father, the Spirit of truth, who proceeds from the Father, he will bear witness about me.  John 15:26

The time had come for me to share my testimony at HomeFront Church for the series entitled "My Story."  The series encompassed 5 weeks and 5 different stories from 5 different Church members.  My story would play on the 3rd week and the theme was "Choice."  The 5 themes of the series were Setting, Hero, Choice, Problem and Happy Ending.  Of the 5 stories that would be told, mine was the only one with an unresolved ending.

We filmed my video about a month out from the sermon that would take place on August 18th, 2013.  I recall driving to the Church to do the recording.  I prayed the whole way there.  I wanted the Holy Spirit to speak so that it would come out right and help others.

Pastor Josh and Phil Griffith (a member of the leadership board and the filmmaker) instructed me.  The camera began recording.  This is the final edit:



After the filming completed Phil prayed with me.  There was something in his prayer that has stuck with me.  He referred to "That day..."  It was as if he had a certainty that for my wife, there would come a day.  I often had my doubts about my wife arriving at "That day."  But, to hear Phil say it with such prayerful conviction gave me hope.

On the day My Story was to be told I brought along my Mom, Dad, sister Tanya, my Small Group (Matt & Tom), Tom's wife Shelly, Holly, Natalie, John, and of course my Church family was there.  We even had members that showed up that had been gone for several weeks.  This wasn't only my story; they had shared in the mud with me.  My Story was told 1 year to the month after my first coming to HomeFront Church.

When the video played I lost it.  It was hard to watch.  It was the first time I had seen it.  Dr. Wendy Balivet, a friend from Church that I always sit near, came over and sat next to me to give me support.  After it played there was a long silence.  It was heavy.  A few "amens" rang out that can't be heard in the video.  I knew right away that it had touched people.  I heard a ton of sniffling.  The sniffling continued for the remainder of the service.

God didn't give me this testimony to embarrass me.  He gave it to me to help others.  He gave it to me because He knew I'd be willing to share it.  I've always been an open book.

It was hard to watch.  It was a long 4 minutes.  It may have been harder on my mom than on me.  She's very angry that I have to go through this at all.

As I move closer to my baptism in the Jordan I'm beginning to wonder if the baptism will mark the beginning of something.  I'm not sure what.  It's still a ways off.  I feel like a sword being hammered and burned into shape and the baptism will be the cooling of the blade.  But before I can think about getting into the Jordan I have to get into the mud.  Next week is the Mud Run 5k.

Below is the full Church Service from August 18th, 2013:

Pentecost

You have made known to me the paths of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence.'  Acts 2:28




My wife and I set the date of her return to be a month out.  By chance or by grand design, the official day of her return was the day of Pentecost, about 3 months after she had left.  Before that day we spent precious time together and she even spent the night on occasion.  She bought us tickets to a Kenny Chesney concert at Van Andel Arena.  She even bought me a companion book for my Bible entitled "The Historical Atlas of the Bible."  I explained to her that she did not need to shower me with gifts; she was trying to earn something already won:  my forgiveness for the affair and abandonment.  However, the theological gift held great significance because it displayed her acceptance of me and who I was.  She admitted that while I had not persecuted her for her theology, she had not paid me the same respect.  While out for dinner before the concert she noticed a family saying grace over their meal.  She pointed it out to me with a smile.  She was still an atheist, but she accepted my faith in me.  She even wanted Pastor Josh to renew our vows in the near future.

I should also note that John no longer worked in the same building with her at Notions Marketing, which allowed her to keep that job and me.

In the month prior to my wife's return, I had spent a weekend day on a wine tour with some friends from Church.  We headed south and even hit up the Casino.  At the Casino, I won $100 playing 3 Card Poker (my favorite table game).  $100 represented the down payment needed to secure a spot on the trip to Israel.  During our Church's spring cleaning day I ran into Pastor Josh.  I shared with him my updated testimony.  I also gave him the $100 bill I had won; now that my wife was coming home I could travel to Israel on my birthday in 2014.  Josh asked me if I would be willing to share my story in an upcoming series at Church called "My Story."  I agreed to do it.  I knew this testimony had been given to me to help other people.

I let everyone on Facebook know that my wife was returning via a video I posted called "By Your Side."  Here it is:

Enter the Password: 33


It should have been a red flag, but she kept in contact with John right up until she moved back in.  For 2 weeks things were amazing.  After 2 weeks, my wife's wall came up.  Luckily we were seeing a counselor (we had started seeing her before she moved back in).  The counselor gave me the strength to stand up to my wife on the sexual front.  My wife felt that we should look at porn to learn new things to do.  However, our counselor explained that porn is destructive for marriages.  The counselor let us know that some of the things she was having me do to her were unsafe.  Not to mention, they were things John had done to her.  Sex became very confusing and negative to me.  Pornography gets into your mind like a poison.  It can replace your spouse, and be a gateway to an affair.  After John and my wife were found out they stopped sleeping together, even though I was separated from her, because "it was no longer exciting."  That's the thing with pornography, too:  it will never be enough; you'll always want something more.  At least, that's what the counselor explained.  Eventually my wife promised in counseling not to look at it.  Before all this mess I had had no idea she even liked it.  She was more open about it now; she had even mentioned watching a porno on Facebook.

My wife had always controlled the when, how, and what of intimacy.  I was rejected 90% of the time.  During the affair, I didn't even notice that we were hardly having sex - it wasn't something I requested - it was something she told me it was time for.  The rejection was too much.  I remember one time in our marriage I had told her "no" for once.  I did it to prove a point.  I remember she cried about it.  I stood my ground.  Things improved for a short time after that, but pretty soon she was back to being controlling.  She has always been very controlling, but the counselor and my pastor helped me stand up to her.  No porn.  No threesomes.  No open marriage.  No doing what John did to her.  Of course, that meant my wife said no to sex... period.

There were a couple of times when she saw things around the house.  Once, she saw a figure crawling across the ceiling outside our room at night.  On inspection I found nothing.  Another time she saw a figure pass between her and the window at night in our room.  I missed it.  I have no idea what these things were but I always knew that this was a spiritual battle.

We still have our issues to work out.  She had yet to forgive me for all my failings in the marriage.  And she had not yet forgiven herself.  I had to forgive her for the money that had been wasted due to the affair (in total something well over $6000).  Forgiveness is hard, even when it is a core value in your faith.  I did forgive her, though.  The Lord will provide.

The definition of Grace is as follows:

grace  

/grās/
noun

simple elegance or refinement of movement.
"she moved through the water with effortless grace"
synonyms:  elegance, poise, gracefulness, finesse; suppleness, agility, nimbleness, light-footedness
"the grace of a ballerina"

The definition really doesn't do credit to the Christian meaning of the word.  I had prayed for my wife to see God's grace back before any of the mud hit the fan.  Little did I know I still had to learn what grace meant myself.  Grace does not just mean forgiveness.  It also means speaking kindly about my wife to others, even when asking them for their advice concerning negative things that she does.  It's massaging her feet even if she's done wrong to me that day.  It's ignoring the triggers in her personality that bring everything she's done crashing back into my mind.  It's recognizing my role in her mistakes and making changes in myself even if she makes improvements to herself at a slower pace.  It's to love her on days that her love seems so far away.  It's wearing my wedding ring even though she doesn't wear hers.

It's easy to get angry under these circumstances.  I found that if my actions were for myself or for my wife, I would be angry at how out of control the muddy mess was.  But, when I did things for our marriage knowing that they were ultimately for God and His bigger picture, a peace came over me.

When we pray for grace, does God give us grace like an automaton?  Or does God give us the opportunity to be graceful?  I had started reading and performing the book "Love Dare," a 40 day challenge to heal hurting marriages.  Even though a lot of it didn't apply because my wife is not a fellow believer, it was still helpful.  But, to be completely honest, I was doing most of the dares in the book already.  Still, it kept me focused.

My wife had returned.  From time to time she would do something that I would perceive as a wrong directed at me.  I would call my circle of advisers and get their advice.  In the way I asked for that advice I spoke badly of her.  But the Spirit convicted me.  I challenged myself to go an entire week without saying anything bad about her.  The week culminated in our 6 year wedding anniversary.  To be honest, the challenge wasn't even hard; it was beautiful.

God's not finished with me yet.

The Flood

Save me, O God; for the waters are come in unto my soul.

I sink in deep mire, where there is no standing: I am come into deep waters, where the floods overflow me.

I am weary of my crying: my throat is dried: mine eyes fail while I wait for my God.

Psalm 69:1-3

"Lord, remember your servant!" I had prayed shortly before the flood.  "What ever your will is with my wife, I trust you.  Which ever path you would have me walk, I will walk it.  Just please walk it with us.  Thank you Lord!  Your will be done, your will be done, your will be done!"

I wasn't the only one praying.  Matt and Natalie and Tom were praying.  I had an army of people praying for us at Church.  Pastor Josh was praying for us along with the whole leadership board.

The rain had been coming for a week, maybe 2.  On April 18th, 2013, the lakes, streams, creeks and ponds in West Michigan had had enough.  Water spilled out into yards and streets, flooding basements, blocking roads, and closing businesses.  My house was spared.  It was just high enough, although my neighbor's basement flooded.

This was one of the days that my wife came over to see the kids.  I texted her that my street was marked as closed but to just drive around the barrier because my house had avoided the destruction.  I was nervous, though, about the rising deluge.  I kept checking on the water level and every time I checked I found it a little higher.  I prayed for protection from the flood and for the homes of my neighbors.

"our street"

My wife was quite surprised by what she saw.  When I had told her the road was flooded she was not expecting to find several people kayaking through the streets.  She seemed mesmerized by it.  The rain had slowed to a light sprinkle yet the water seemed to keep pouring in from somewhere.  She wanted to go explore the neighborhood.  She asked me if I wanted to go.  I almost didn't.  I had work to do.  I'm glad I went with her.  We took the 3 kids and went on an adventure.

Josie (left) and Brynn (right)

The kids loved it.  My wife was having fun.  I forgot my troubles.  For a short bit, I forgot that we were no longer a family.  I think my wife did, too.  I say that because she posted a picture on Facebook and called it "our street."  She later corrected herself by answering a question in the comments of the photo by saying "Mike's house."  But, the slip was made.

We returned home and my wife offered to buy pizza from Hungry Howies.  That was where John worked his 2nd job.  Suddenly I remembered we were no longer a family.  I explained that I would never order pizza from there and it hurt me that she would even suggest it.

It was also on this night that my wife admitted to withdrawing her 401k.  We had worked hard to get it up to $8000.  In withdrawing it, she had thrown $3000 straight into the trash to get $5000.  This upset me.  Even though it was her 401k, I had helped earned that $3000 that was now gone.  She said that she needed the money.  I told her that I would come after part of the $5000 during the prosecution.  She became angry with me.  I became angry with the disproportionate amount of money she got out of the split compared to me and the kids.

What had been a great day between the 2 of us was spiraling quickly.  Grace came over me.  I just wanted things to be good.  I wanted her to be happy.  Sobbing, I came up behind her and grabbed her in a hug.  "Let go of me," she ordered.

"You can keep the money," I cried, still holding her.  "I won't come after it.  Are we good?"

"Are we?" she asked back, calmed.

"Yes," I told her.  If I had to pinpoint a moment in which I forgave her the abandonment I felt, I believe it to be right then.

She left that night after we put the kids to bed, like she always did.  I went back to work down in my office.

That night I received a text message from my wife, "Does your family hate me?"

"No," I texted her.  "You gave them 3 beautiful kids."

The texting didn't stop there.  It went on.  As the conversation progressed, it became very clear to me that my wife was missing me.  She wanted to come home.  She felt what I had felt earlier in the day.  I asked if I could call her instead of texting but she wanted to text.  It gave her time to think about her responses.  She was very afraid about making the wrong choice about big decisions.  She told me that she still loved me, that she had never stopped.

She let me know that one of the reasons for the affair, "Was our beautiful beautiful kids."

She texted me, "You are probably wondering what changed."

"Yes," I answered.  "I was waiting for the right moment to ask."

"It's like a fog has been lifted," she answered.

I fell to the ground and worshiped God.  I sang His praises that night.  I had forgotten what happiness felt like.  My wife and I had been separated for 2 months.  I was consumed with joy.  I often wonder what the fog was.  The easy answer would be postpartum depression, however, she had virtually none of the symptoms and even displayed their exact opposite.  She refused to be tested for it.  If I had to guess as to why she refused, I think it's because she feared that she would not be diagnosed with postpartum, and would lose that illness as an excuse for her actions.

"What if I wake up in the morning and I don't feel like this anymore?" she asked me.  "I would hurt you all over again."

"How do I say this -" I answered.  "To have the chance to raise my kids with my wife at my side, to grow old together, to show everyone that we made it through this trial to the other side... that's a chance I'm willing to take."

The next day I awoke to find the water had completely receded.  The flood just up and vanished overnight.  I'm happy to report that when I dropped the kids off to her the next night (a Friday), the fog was still lifted.

Buck Creek became Buck Sea

Run With Me

Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work:  If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!  Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

II found myself wondering, "Did God really answer my prayer for more Time?"  Yeah, I had quit all of my hobbies, but I spent all my new time watching the kids and working - other than Friday & Saturday nights.  This didn't feel like more time to make disciples.  Then it dawned on me:  the kids.  I spent more time with my kids than ever before.  Under our current living arrangement we could pray before every meal and before bedtime and pray whenever the Spirit compelled us.  We could blast Christian music and sing and dance together.  There are certain songs my girls love to hear.  They know the words and always join in when songs come on like The Great I Am and 10,000 Reasons and Revelation Song, to name a few.

Other discipleship was afoot as well.  My Friday and Saturday nights were spent interacting with a variety of different people.  Through these interactions, two friendships emerged that stand out.

Matt

Matt & Holly

Matt was originally introduced to me through my wife's circle of friends many years ago.  We saw each other at the annual Halloween Party, and were Facebook friends, but beyond that we were better classified as acquaintances.

Matt's Church performed a play entitled Shadows.  Matt had several tickets and felt compelled by the Spirit to invite me.  The phone call from Matt seemed out of the blue.  I remember him telling me that he had prayed over the tickets to decide who he should give the last one to.  My name was given to him.  It just so happened that my Friday night was free and I agreed to go with him, his girlfriend Holly, and a couple of his roommates.

The play struck a chord in me.  The theme of the play was grace.  It was about a wife who sacrificed her own life to save her non-believing, cheating husband, who would later accept Christ into his heart.  The story jumped back and forth between the 1950's and the time of Christ.  I spent many moments of the play trying to mask my tears as the story unfolded.  In many ways it was my story.  After the play Matt asked me what I thought of it.  I told Matt that I wanted to share my testimony with him.  That night we went back to his place with everyone.  Some other folks came over as well.  A party scene began to emerge.  But, the conversation turned to the Lord and to the play and to some degree, my wife and I.

I did not have my private conversation with Matt that night.  I came back to his place the next night as well.  This was rare for me.  I usually spent each night with a completely new group of people, even week to week.  This time, Matt and I went downstairs and I shared my testimony with him.  I explained how God had moved in my life, how God had answered my prayers to show my wife grace.  Matt was moved.  He told me his story, and how he was walking closer with God now, and how he needed more fellow believers in his life to motivate him.  He would later share my story with Holly's family as well.

From that encounter came several dinners together and the creation of a Small Group that met on Saturdays.  The Small Group included my friend Tom who had originally led me to God when I was in my early teens.

Matt and Holly now attend HomeFront Church.  A few months after this all went down, Matt asked Holly's dad for permission to marry her.  I am to be a groomsman in their wedding.

Natalie

Natalie was also introduced to me through my wife's circle of friends many years ago (the same circle that included Matt).  She had joined the military several years back and had moved away.  But we were Facebook friends, so I was able to see how she was doing.  She had married John, who she met while in the service.  She had two kids and one more on the way.

To set the stage I want to go back in time prior to me finding out about the affair, but after attending HomeFront Church.  Somewhere in the middle there, when I was running high in the Spirit, Natalie began posting on Facebook that she was having doubts about her belief in God.  However, she was coming back from her apostate and posting on Facebook that she was starting to believe again.  Many of her atheist friends were coming after her pretty hard with their posts.

I posted something along the lines of, "It's not a bad thing to have doubts.  I had doubts, too.  Through research and soul searching my faith came out stronger than ever before."

It was a post of light in the midst of many posts of darkness.

Fast forward to May 2013.  Natalie and her husband John are moving back into the neighborhood.  I am sitting in my office working that weekend when I get a Facebook message.  It's from Natalie asking if I could help her and John move stuff from the U Haul Truck up to their apartment.  Like Matt's phone call, this seemed out of the blue.  After so many people had helped me through my mud I get a lot of pleasure in randomly helping other people.  I said yes and came over.

I was the only person helping them move.  Natalie asked me where my wife was.  She had no idea that she had left me.  After moving (and during) I gave Natalie and John my testimony.  They needed a new church to attend now that they had moved.  So, I invited them to HomeFront.

During the first service with Natalie, the guest pastor taught us about Claim Your Campus.  The purpose of this organization reads as follows:  Our organization & strategy is focused on unleashing a generation of young people to bring about a spiritual awakening in America so that we are NEVER THE SAME.

We learned about an upcoming Mud Run 5K.  The money raised would go to Claim Your Campus.  I had never run in a 5K before but I saw it as a chance to contribute to making disciples.  Also, the run through the mud served as a metaphor for my life at the moment and my current "running the race" (1 Corinthians 9:24-27).  I began to train using a program called Couch to 5K.

John and Natalie and our kids taking a walk down Kent Trails

As I run the race of life I praise God for the other believers he has racing alongside me.  Why do I still praise God even though my kids and I are going through a really rough time? I was not put on earth to be happy. I was put on earth to praise God. I could spend my time seeking happiness through sin and maybe find it from time to time. Or, I could spend my time seeking holiness and Christian fellowship.  Then, true joy will come as a byproduct. It's easy to praise God when the sky is blue and the birds are chirping. But, my reason for existing is to exalt Him, no matter what the situation is.  And no matter what that situation may be, God has blessed us with other believers so we do not have to run alone.

Rejecting the Gray

I wrote this for my wife after starting the divorce proceedings...  It's called "Rejecting the Gray"

Would I do anything to remove this pain?
Erase all the good memories of you from my brain...
Slay this anguish that hurts so deep,
Forget all the times next to you I fell asleep.
I could get rid of the loneliness I feel inside,
If I no longer remembered the companionship of you as my bride.
Without your years of loyalty,
There would exist no betrayal.
Without our personal intimacy,
Visuals of you with him would not haunt me to no avail.
Perhaps depression & anxiety would let me be,
If on that day with Pippin I didn't ask you to marry me.
I wonder if your unwillingness to reconcile would matter,
If three children we brought home from Metro didn't pitter-patter.
No pills would be needed to fight back the panic,
If our wedding in the Bahamas had been less romantic.
Perhaps this loss would feel less like a death in the family,
If I hadn't grown to love yours so happily.
If only we hadn't made plans to live in the country and grow old,
Then maybe today my heart wouldn't be this ice cold.
But I stand here today and gladly experience all of this pain,
Knowing we had a chance to share a name.
Life is full of pain, but only because we know of joy,
You can't have one without the other without living in a gray void.
I choose to live life in vibrant color, taking the good with the bad,
So I cherish all the good times, even though today they make me unbearably sad.

My Wife

This is the poem that I framed and gave to my wife as part of reason #1 of 40 that we should be together.  On the back of the frame it read, "Reason #1... to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part."

She's a tattoo on her leg,
Another two on her back.
Her sandals are spread through-out the house,
I think she loses track.
She's I want a frosty from Wendy's,
Hurry they close at midnight.
She's I can't find a thing to wear,
She always leaves on the light.

She's a Chevy Cobalt driver,
Her road rage gets her mad.
She's the hand I love holdin',
While we're watching "Breaking Bad."
She's a great conversation,
She's a hug that's always tight.
Her patience with me is amazing,
Even when she knows she's right.

She's everything I always wanted,
But never thought I'd find.
She's perfect for me in every way,
She's one of a kind.

She's a Saturday night at the house,
Hangin' with her girls.
You'll catch her playing the music channels,
Helping her daughters dance and twirl.
She shares her food with the kids,
Unless it's pumpkin pie then she hides.
She's a half-beer drinker,
Before her inhibitions start to slide.

She's the free spirit I wish I could be,
When I'm busy she likes to hover.
She's the voice of my encouragement,
My unborn child's mother.
She's the best at doing research,
The designer of great vacations.
She's a half-tank of gas,
Better start looking for gas stations.

She tells me all the time,
How she'll one day out live me.
She's a fun game of scrabble,
Even though she'll never beat me.
She's stuck with me for 5 years,
Even more if you count our dating.
Quite frankly I'm amazed,
She's still loving and not hating.

You're everything I ever wanted,
You're perfect for me.
Happy anniversary, babe,
You make me the best that I can be.

As I read this poem, I find it strangely prophetic.  I acknowledged that I was too busy doing too many things:  “When I’m busy she likes to hover” and “Quite frankly I’m amazed, She’s still loving and not hating.”  It seems I knew a problem existed, but did not act fast enough to fix it.  For every two hobbies I gave up I picked up one more.  I was walking away from being too busy instead of running away.  When it comes to sin, we are never told to walk away.  We are told to flee.

Do what is good and run from evil so that you may live! Then the LORD God of Heaven’s Armies will be your helper, just as you have claimed.  - Amos 5:14

But you, man of God, flee from all this, and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance and gentleness.  - 1 Timothy 6:11

Flee the evil desires of youth and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart.  - 2 Timothy 2:22

In this poem I claim that my wife is perfect for me:  “She’s perfect for me in every way.”  How can this be true?  Is anyone perfect for someone else?  Let’s look at this through the eyes of Christ (the bridegroom) toward his Church (the bride).

It is not that my wife is everything I want her to be; that would be an unrealistic and impossible expectation to put on someone.  Rather, she is perfect for me in spite of her shortcomings.  My love for her transcends any mistakes that she might make.  Love causes me to desire her despite her imperfections.  Love fills in the gaps and makes us a perfect fit.  Are there other women out there that would be better for me?  Absolutely.  But because of love, I choose her, and she is perfect for me through love.

For by one sacrifice he has made perfect forever those who are being made holy.  – Hebrews 10:14

Don’t misquote me, there are things that couples should and need to work on to improve their relationships.  The same applies to our relationship with God.  There are sins we need to give up to have better communion with Him.  However, that does not change that love (Jesus) has made us perfect for Him.  In this way, my wife was perfect for me.  Even though she isn’t perfect, she is perfect for me – because of love.

But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.  - Romans 5:8

She is perfect for me by my own choice.  In the Greek, this is referred to as Agape love, and it is the most powerful kind of love there is.  Unfortunately, she did not think I was perfect for her.

Divorce

I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.  - Matthew 19:9

My relationship with my wife was very complex.  I loved her very much and wanted her to come home.  Yet, she made it clear she had no intention of coming home.  I also would experience anger when I thought about the abandonment.  I would get sad when I envisioned the affair and how I thought it may have played out.  I hurt.  Yet, I longed to see her on the days she visited the kids.  I was worn by this inner conflict of emotion.  I had no control.  She was in the driver's seat.

One day, I was so angry with her abandonment, and more specifically her inability to acknowledge the abandonment, that I took to Facebook.  Up until this point, not too many people knew that she had had an affair.  People knew that we were having problems and that we were separated but they didn't know why.  I had not yet "thrown her under the bus."  Finally, I caved.  Waves of people offered me advice and condolences.  Many offered to babysit.  It helped.  It also made my wife cry - and her mom.  I deleted the post by the end of the day but the damage was done.  My wife lost several Facebook friends that day.

That night she told me that she no longer held out any hope for us.  She said that she had deep down been considering coming back, but not now.  Not after this.  She wanted a divorce.  I remember driving home from a bowling alley after she had told me this.  The number 40 came to mind.  I would give her 40 days before filing for divorce.  Each day I would send her 1 reason why we should be together.  As I started to concoct this plan I looked over and saw a speed limit sign that read "40."  It was more than just a sign, it was a sign.  I would like to note that I drove through this same stretch of road several months later to find speed limit signs that read 30 and 35, but none that said 40.

That night I wrote 3 letters.  I wrote 1 to my wife and 1 to each of her parents.  They were apology letters.  The next morning I showed up at their house with donuts and the letters.  I apologized to each of them for what I had posted on Facebook and gave them the letters.  Her parents hugged me.  My wife cried.  It was the first time I had seen her cry.  She often said that she felt no emotion and that she didn't understand why.  She didn't get sad about any of this mess.  It was a big deal to see her cry.  She was crying in shame.  Now even her grandparents knew, along with all of our friends and family.

I gave her the first of the 40 reasons.  It was a poem that I had written to her on our 5th wedding anniversary.  I framed it with a picture of our wedding day on the beach.  I saw a flash in her eyes.  I would see that flash now and again.  It gave me hope.  That flash revealed a longing to come home, and I knew it.

Nevertheless, a couple days later I asked her for advice about my 40 day thing.  Her advice was for me to stop doing it.  So I did.  I think I only made it to day 3.  I should have stayed the course but I didn't.  The spirit was willing but the flesh was weak.  I couldn't handle 40 days of suffering - I wanted closure.  I would pay for it, literally, in the form of a divorce payment.

Not soon after that I filed for divorce.  I wanted to reconcile but she did not.  It is so hard to write your children's names on a legal document as if they are property.  I would get the kids, I did not even have to fight for them.  It would be 6 months until the divorce would be finalized.

In the meantime I started to try and distance myself from her.  I would not linger when I dropped off the kids.  I would barely look at her.  At one point I explained my behavior.  I let her know that the door for her to come home was still open and would be until the divorce paperwork was signed.  However, for my own personal healing, I needed distance to try and get over her.

I found myself walking with people through their mud like only someone in the mud themselves can do.  Empathy, true empathy, comes from personal experience.  Before going out on the weekends, I would pray about what I was about to do.  I wanted God's light to shine through me for others.  I found myself going to party situations and turning the conversation over to the Lord.  I took joy in helping people with their trials and offering encouragement.  I walked away from those nights feeling good about what I had done instead of tired and intoxicated.

I had the most Psalm-worthy and heartfelt prayers during these times that ended with me face down on the ground sobbing.  I absolutely threw myself onto the Lord.  I wanted His will to be done.  I didn't know what He planned for my wife.  I didn't know if she was supposed to stay away or come home.  I didn't want it to be my choice.  I didn't want it to be her choice.  I wanted His will to be done.  There's an incredible peace that comes from casting such a heavy burden onto God.  In addition to my prayers, we had an army of people praying for us.

Abandoned

Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.  Deuteronomy 31:6

My life looked a lot different now.  I woke up around 7 AM with the kids.  I watched them until 8:30 PM at which time they all went to bed.  I then worked from my office in the basement until midnight.  I went to sleep, waking up twice with the baby.  Then I awoke at 7 AM and started it all over again.

My wife had the kids on Saturday, which helped.  I dropped them off Friday night and picked them up Sunday morning for Church.  Also, my wife's mom came over on Wednesdays and watched them during the day so that I could work.  My mom came over on Mondays so that I could do the grocery shopping.  That was weird - grocery shopping.  My wife had always done that.  She was good at it.

I felt abandoned.  I had forgiven my wife for the affair but now I had to find it in my heart to forgive her the abandonment and let go of my anger.  She would come over a couple times during the week to visit the kids.  In her mind and her parents', she did not abandon us.  To me, my family, and the rest of the world, we were abandoned.  You don't have to leave the state to abandon your family.  Her midweek visits were to me no different than going to see animals at the zoo.  She was looking into a glass case.  She wasn't with us in the mud.  I was raising these kids.  She, to this day, disputes me on that point, but that's what it felt like.

The mortgage fell to me.  All the bills.  She paid child support, but it was below what the courts were going to assign her to pay.

When my wife and I were still together, I had always felt anxiety when the kids spent the night away from the house.  But this was a whole new ball game.  I recall the first night away from my kids.  I remember it was a Friday night.  I had been working downstairs in my office.  I went upstairs for something and found the house dark.  There had been daylight when I went down to work.  All the windows were still open.  The house was quiet.  My family was gone.  It was dark.  I had a family not too long ago...  my family was now gone...  Wow.  I hope everyone reading this never has to experience what I am trying to describe.

I needed to get out of the house.  I couldn't stay there.  I texted someone.  Even though I was separated from my wife, it was someone I should not have texted given I was still married.  That night I did not have sex with another woman, but I wasn't faithful to my wife either.  Nothing came of that relationship.

I found that I needed to have plans ready for Friday and Saturday night.  I needed to get out of that house.  I could not stand to be alone there.  In fact, if I didn't have plans for the coming weekend by Monday or Tuesday I became anxious and had mini panic attacks.  I had to be put on Xanax just so I could keep my focus and work at night.  I had dropped 30 pounds to 195 (Hey, at least something good came of it!).

Each weekend night I seemed to be hanging out with completely different groups of people.  I was meeting a ton of new people and also renewing neglected relationships.  I was also living a lifestyle that was very unhealthy.  I found myself wearing my cross necklace less and less.  I found myself getting little sleep on those nights.  I was still seeing my counselor on Wednesdays while my wife's mom watched the kids.  I began using this as an opportunity to improve myself.  I began keeping a list of things I wanted to improve about myself in 4 categories:  Physically, Spiritually, Personality, and Productivity.  Each weekend my mistakes had me adding more and more to the list.  But, I was working at it.  I threw myself onto the Lord.  I began having prayerful conversations with Him, even more meaningful than when I was running the race before.  With His help, I began winning small battles.  The wins began to outnumber the losses.

However, I had to come to peace with the fact that I would not be able to go to Israel for my 33rd birthday.  The trip would cost around $3500 and I had to focus on keeping the house for the sake of my kids.

It took a long time but I found that I was okay if I didn't have plans on the weekend.  I began to settle into my new life.  Friends began to emerge.  People helped me.  My Church held me together.  God walked with me.

I wrote this to describe my transition:

Having conquered the world, I now gave it back with a sigh, for in so conquering I let myself die. One by one the world went into my glass case; with each captured piece I forgot how to taste. And when the glass was full, it shattered all at once, releasing its contents like a kick to my gut. Severed away leaving a pain that was at first so unbearable, I found that having been severed was not all that terrible. For what remained was the me that was Me, encased in vibrant living simplicity. I walk alive over the glass on the ground, for my taste buds once forgotten have now been found.

God shattered my glass case of affirmation because that was not the path to my salvation.  My false identity had to be removed and replaced with my true self.

For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will save it. What good is it for someone to gain the whole world, and yet lose or forfeit their very self?  -Luke 9:24-25