Pentecost

You have made known to me the paths of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence.'  Acts 2:28




My wife and I set the date of her return to be a month out.  By chance or by grand design, the official day of her return was the day of Pentecost, about 3 months after she had left.  Before that day we spent precious time together and she even spent the night on occasion.  She bought us tickets to a Kenny Chesney concert at Van Andel Arena.  She even bought me a companion book for my Bible entitled "The Historical Atlas of the Bible."  I explained to her that she did not need to shower me with gifts; she was trying to earn something already won:  my forgiveness for the affair and abandonment.  However, the theological gift held great significance because it displayed her acceptance of me and who I was.  She admitted that while I had not persecuted her for her theology, she had not paid me the same respect.  While out for dinner before the concert she noticed a family saying grace over their meal.  She pointed it out to me with a smile.  She was still an atheist, but she accepted my faith in me.  She even wanted Pastor Josh to renew our vows in the near future.

I should also note that John no longer worked in the same building with her at Notions Marketing, which allowed her to keep that job and me.

In the month prior to my wife's return, I had spent a weekend day on a wine tour with some friends from Church.  We headed south and even hit up the Casino.  At the Casino, I won $100 playing 3 Card Poker (my favorite table game).  $100 represented the down payment needed to secure a spot on the trip to Israel.  During our Church's spring cleaning day I ran into Pastor Josh.  I shared with him my updated testimony.  I also gave him the $100 bill I had won; now that my wife was coming home I could travel to Israel on my birthday in 2014.  Josh asked me if I would be willing to share my story in an upcoming series at Church called "My Story."  I agreed to do it.  I knew this testimony had been given to me to help other people.

I let everyone on Facebook know that my wife was returning via a video I posted called "By Your Side."  Here it is:

Enter the Password: 33


It should have been a red flag, but she kept in contact with John right up until she moved back in.  For 2 weeks things were amazing.  After 2 weeks, my wife's wall came up.  Luckily we were seeing a counselor (we had started seeing her before she moved back in).  The counselor gave me the strength to stand up to my wife on the sexual front.  My wife felt that we should look at porn to learn new things to do.  However, our counselor explained that porn is destructive for marriages.  The counselor let us know that some of the things she was having me do to her were unsafe.  Not to mention, they were things John had done to her.  Sex became very confusing and negative to me.  Pornography gets into your mind like a poison.  It can replace your spouse, and be a gateway to an affair.  After John and my wife were found out they stopped sleeping together, even though I was separated from her, because "it was no longer exciting."  That's the thing with pornography, too:  it will never be enough; you'll always want something more.  At least, that's what the counselor explained.  Eventually my wife promised in counseling not to look at it.  Before all this mess I had had no idea she even liked it.  She was more open about it now; she had even mentioned watching a porno on Facebook.

My wife had always controlled the when, how, and what of intimacy.  I was rejected 90% of the time.  During the affair, I didn't even notice that we were hardly having sex - it wasn't something I requested - it was something she told me it was time for.  The rejection was too much.  I remember one time in our marriage I had told her "no" for once.  I did it to prove a point.  I remember she cried about it.  I stood my ground.  Things improved for a short time after that, but pretty soon she was back to being controlling.  She has always been very controlling, but the counselor and my pastor helped me stand up to her.  No porn.  No threesomes.  No open marriage.  No doing what John did to her.  Of course, that meant my wife said no to sex... period.

There were a couple of times when she saw things around the house.  Once, she saw a figure crawling across the ceiling outside our room at night.  On inspection I found nothing.  Another time she saw a figure pass between her and the window at night in our room.  I missed it.  I have no idea what these things were but I always knew that this was a spiritual battle.

We still have our issues to work out.  She had yet to forgive me for all my failings in the marriage.  And she had not yet forgiven herself.  I had to forgive her for the money that had been wasted due to the affair (in total something well over $6000).  Forgiveness is hard, even when it is a core value in your faith.  I did forgive her, though.  The Lord will provide.

The definition of Grace is as follows:

grace  

/grās/
noun

simple elegance or refinement of movement.
"she moved through the water with effortless grace"
synonyms:  elegance, poise, gracefulness, finesse; suppleness, agility, nimbleness, light-footedness
"the grace of a ballerina"

The definition really doesn't do credit to the Christian meaning of the word.  I had prayed for my wife to see God's grace back before any of the mud hit the fan.  Little did I know I still had to learn what grace meant myself.  Grace does not just mean forgiveness.  It also means speaking kindly about my wife to others, even when asking them for their advice concerning negative things that she does.  It's massaging her feet even if she's done wrong to me that day.  It's ignoring the triggers in her personality that bring everything she's done crashing back into my mind.  It's recognizing my role in her mistakes and making changes in myself even if she makes improvements to herself at a slower pace.  It's to love her on days that her love seems so far away.  It's wearing my wedding ring even though she doesn't wear hers.

It's easy to get angry under these circumstances.  I found that if my actions were for myself or for my wife, I would be angry at how out of control the muddy mess was.  But, when I did things for our marriage knowing that they were ultimately for God and His bigger picture, a peace came over me.

When we pray for grace, does God give us grace like an automaton?  Or does God give us the opportunity to be graceful?  I had started reading and performing the book "Love Dare," a 40 day challenge to heal hurting marriages.  Even though a lot of it didn't apply because my wife is not a fellow believer, it was still helpful.  But, to be completely honest, I was doing most of the dares in the book already.  Still, it kept me focused.

My wife had returned.  From time to time she would do something that I would perceive as a wrong directed at me.  I would call my circle of advisers and get their advice.  In the way I asked for that advice I spoke badly of her.  But the Spirit convicted me.  I challenged myself to go an entire week without saying anything bad about her.  The week culminated in our 6 year wedding anniversary.  To be honest, the challenge wasn't even hard; it was beautiful.

God's not finished with me yet.