Abandoned

Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.  Deuteronomy 31:6

My life looked a lot different now.  I woke up around 7 AM with the kids.  I watched them until 8:30 PM at which time they all went to bed.  I then worked from my office in the basement until midnight.  I went to sleep, waking up twice with the baby.  Then I awoke at 7 AM and started it all over again.

My wife had the kids on Saturday, which helped.  I dropped them off Friday night and picked them up Sunday morning for Church.  Also, my wife's mom came over on Wednesdays and watched them during the day so that I could work.  My mom came over on Mondays so that I could do the grocery shopping.  That was weird - grocery shopping.  My wife had always done that.  She was good at it.

I felt abandoned.  I had forgiven my wife for the affair but now I had to find it in my heart to forgive her the abandonment and let go of my anger.  She would come over a couple times during the week to visit the kids.  In her mind and her parents', she did not abandon us.  To me, my family, and the rest of the world, we were abandoned.  You don't have to leave the state to abandon your family.  Her midweek visits were to me no different than going to see animals at the zoo.  She was looking into a glass case.  She wasn't with us in the mud.  I was raising these kids.  She, to this day, disputes me on that point, but that's what it felt like.

The mortgage fell to me.  All the bills.  She paid child support, but it was below what the courts were going to assign her to pay.

When my wife and I were still together, I had always felt anxiety when the kids spent the night away from the house.  But this was a whole new ball game.  I recall the first night away from my kids.  I remember it was a Friday night.  I had been working downstairs in my office.  I went upstairs for something and found the house dark.  There had been daylight when I went down to work.  All the windows were still open.  The house was quiet.  My family was gone.  It was dark.  I had a family not too long ago...  my family was now gone...  Wow.  I hope everyone reading this never has to experience what I am trying to describe.

I needed to get out of the house.  I couldn't stay there.  I texted someone.  Even though I was separated from my wife, it was someone I should not have texted given I was still married.  That night I did not have sex with another woman, but I wasn't faithful to my wife either.  Nothing came of that relationship.

I found that I needed to have plans ready for Friday and Saturday night.  I needed to get out of that house.  I could not stand to be alone there.  In fact, if I didn't have plans for the coming weekend by Monday or Tuesday I became anxious and had mini panic attacks.  I had to be put on Xanax just so I could keep my focus and work at night.  I had dropped 30 pounds to 195 (Hey, at least something good came of it!).

Each weekend night I seemed to be hanging out with completely different groups of people.  I was meeting a ton of new people and also renewing neglected relationships.  I was also living a lifestyle that was very unhealthy.  I found myself wearing my cross necklace less and less.  I found myself getting little sleep on those nights.  I was still seeing my counselor on Wednesdays while my wife's mom watched the kids.  I began using this as an opportunity to improve myself.  I began keeping a list of things I wanted to improve about myself in 4 categories:  Physically, Spiritually, Personality, and Productivity.  Each weekend my mistakes had me adding more and more to the list.  But, I was working at it.  I threw myself onto the Lord.  I began having prayerful conversations with Him, even more meaningful than when I was running the race before.  With His help, I began winning small battles.  The wins began to outnumber the losses.

However, I had to come to peace with the fact that I would not be able to go to Israel for my 33rd birthday.  The trip would cost around $3500 and I had to focus on keeping the house for the sake of my kids.

It took a long time but I found that I was okay if I didn't have plans on the weekend.  I began to settle into my new life.  Friends began to emerge.  People helped me.  My Church held me together.  God walked with me.

I wrote this to describe my transition:

Having conquered the world, I now gave it back with a sigh, for in so conquering I let myself die. One by one the world went into my glass case; with each captured piece I forgot how to taste. And when the glass was full, it shattered all at once, releasing its contents like a kick to my gut. Severed away leaving a pain that was at first so unbearable, I found that having been severed was not all that terrible. For what remained was the me that was Me, encased in vibrant living simplicity. I walk alive over the glass on the ground, for my taste buds once forgotten have now been found.

God shattered my glass case of affirmation because that was not the path to my salvation.  My false identity had to be removed and replaced with my true self.

For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will save it. What good is it for someone to gain the whole world, and yet lose or forfeit their very self?  -Luke 9:24-25