This walk can be so hard that we sometimes forget which way is up. A bad counseling session put me even closer to the brink - the brink of being done with my marriage. The coldness is becoming too much. The fact that her phone is password protected and I can't even look at it even if she's present, is becoming too much (especially given her recent history). No other marriage I know of has password protected areas. What is she hiding? Seeing her flirt with other guys right in front of me makes me wonder what she does with them when she is out late at night at the bar. Why have 2 groups of people come forward to warn about the way she hangs out with one of her girlfriends, that same friend she is out late with every week? I really began to question the point of trying anymore. My walls were coming up. My wedding ring came off. I was tired of being the only one who wore their wedding ring in this marriage.
I knew that I needed some time in prayer. A long time. I needed to gather my bearings. What was my purpose in all of this? If I truly believe God brought her back, why did He bring her back? What am I doing right in all of this? What am I doing wrong? I felt convicted to drop everything I was doing and pray. But I didn't. When I finally got around to it later that night I was unfocused and tired. The questions remained.
The next day at HomeFront the sermon was on prayer. It was a great service. It was what I needed to hear. When I got home I made the kids lunch and then put the two littlest ones down for a nap. I asked my wife if it would be okay if I went for a walk alone. She was fine with that. So, I placed my wedding ring in my pocket and took off down Kent Trails.
"God, you already know what I'm going to ask," I began. "I don't even know what I'm going to ask..."
The trail was completely empty. However, not once did I feel alone.
I talked to God in prayer as I walked. I asked Him my questions. I spoke of what bothered me. I needed to know what I could do better. I needed to know how to move forward. I needed to be reminded which way was up.
And after I was done talking, I listened. I cleared my mind, shut my mouth, and I paid attention for the other half of the conversation.
It was an exquisite fall day. The sky was a bit overcast and breezy. The temperature was perfect. Some trees had started to change color. Birds chirped, squirrels and chipmunks scurried about gathering food for the winter. And as I looked at His creation I realized, does God abandoned the trees to the seasons? Do the animals die in the winter and never return? Then how much less should I abandon my wife?
Even the pavement and the fences were set in motion by God, the same as the seed of each plant. You allow it all. You are God. Your ways and thoughts are higher than my ways and thoughts. So now are my ways higher than my wife's, for she rebels against you. I decided to wear my ring for Him not for her. I put it back on. It had been off for 5 days.
I started to return home. I asked the Spirit to convict me of anything that I am doing wrong. I asked this question 3 times and the clouds parted and the sun shone for the rest of my walk. When I got home I immediately began reading my Bible. I didn't care that she saw me. I read until we left to drop the kids off with Natalie and John so that my wife and I could go grab a bite to eat and catch a movie. Usually when my wife and I would go out as a couple like this, she would wear her wedding ring (rare occasions). However, today she did not. No doubt she had noticed that I had not worn my ring for the last 5 days. Perhaps she didn't notice that I had put mine back on. She probably didn't want to be the only one wearing her ring. Sound familiar? I should have shown grace all along.
And before we ate that afternoon I bowed my head and closed my eyes and said grace silently, not caring that she saw me. I will walk this life correctly and I will never walk alone, even if my wife doesn't walk it with me.
I married a Christian yet I teeter toward divorce with an atheist. Our problems began around the same time she rejected Christ. Do I truly believe my prayers will be answered and that she will be healed? If so, it should dramatically affect how I act toward her.
Not long after this, God revealed something to me while I was driving. He gave me a choice. He told me that if I leave my marriage, happiness awaits. Matthew 19:9 was available. There is someone else, someone more perfect for me. Someone far better. Someone kind and full of the Spirit. I knew the choice was mine to make. I also knew somehow that there were no wrong answers in this choice. However, it meant that my wife would be left with little hope. After all my prayers for God to take this decision from me, His will is that I make the choice for myself.
Sometimes God says "No," sometimes He says "Go," this time He said "Slow." I had some more thinking and praying to do. Thanks for the talk.
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