Pentecost

You have made known to me the paths of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence.'  Acts 2:28




My wife and I set the date of her return to be a month out.  By chance or by grand design, the official day of her return was the day of Pentecost, about 3 months after she had left.  Before that day we spent precious time together and she even spent the night on occasion.  She bought us tickets to a Kenny Chesney concert at Van Andel Arena.  She even bought me a companion book for my Bible entitled, "The Historical Atlas of the Bible."  I explained to her that she did not need to shower me with gifts; she was trying to earn something already won:  my forgiveness for the affair and abandonment.  However, the theological gift held great significance because it displayed her acceptance of me and who I was.  She admitted that while I had not persecuted her for her theology, she had not paid me the same respect.  While out for dinner before the concert she noticed a family saying grace over their meal.  She pointed it out to me with a smile.  She was still an atheist, but she accepted my faith in me.  She even wanted Pastor Josh to renew our vows in the near future.

I should also note that John no longer worked in the same building with her at Notions Marketing, which allowed her to keep that job and me.

In the month prior to my wife's return, I had spent a weekend day on a wine tour with some friends from Church.  We headed south and even hit up the Casino.  At the Casino, I won $100 playing 3 Card Poker (my favorite table game).  $100 represented the down payment needed to secure a spot on the trip to Israel.  During our Church's spring cleaning day I ran into Pastor Josh.  I shared with him my updated testimony.  I also gave him the $100 bill I had won; now that my wife was coming home I could travel to Israel on my birthday in 2014.  Josh asked me if I would be willing to share my story in an upcoming series at Church called "My Story."  I agreed to do it.  I knew this testimony had been given to me to help other people.

I let everyone on Facebook know that my wife was returning via a video I posted called "By Your Side."  Here it is:

Enter the Password: 33


It should have been a red flag, but she kept in contact with John right up until she moved back in.  For 2 weeks things were amazing.  After 2 weeks, my wife's wall came up.  Luckily we were seeing a counselor (we had started seeing her before she moved back in).  The counselor gave me the strength to stand up to my wife on the sexual front.  My wife felt that we should look at porn to learn new things to do.  However, our counselor explained that porn is destructive for marriages.  The counselor let us know that some of the things she was having me do to her were unsafe.  Not to mention, they were things John had done to her.  Sex became very confusing and negative to me.  Pornography gets into your mind like a poison.  It can replace your spouse and be a gateway to an affair.  After John and my wife were found out they stopped sleeping together, even though I was separated from her, because "it was no longer exciting."  That's the thing with pornography, too:  it will never be enough; you'll always want something more.  At least, that's what the counselor explained.  Eventually my wife promised in counseling not to look at it.  Before all this mess I had had no idea she even liked it.  She was more open about it now; she had even mentioned watching a porno in Facebook post.

My wife had always controlled the when, how, and what of intimacy.  I was rejected 90% of the time.  During the affair, I didn't even notice that we were hardly having sex - it wasn't something I requested - it was something she told me it was time for.  The rejection was too much.  I remember one time in our marriage I had told her "no" for once.  I did it to prove a point.  I remember she cried about it.  I stood my ground.  Things improved for a short time after that, but pretty soon she was back to being controlling.  She had always been very controlling, but the counselor and my pastor helped me stand up to her.  No porn.  No threesomes.  No open marriage.  No doing what John did to her.  Of course, that meant my wife said no to sex... period.

There were a couple of times when she saw strange things around our house.  Once, she saw a figure crawling across the ceiling outside our room at night.  On inspection I found nothing.  Another time she saw a figure pass between her and the window at night in our room.  I missed it.  I have no idea what these things were, but I always knew that this was a spiritual battle.

We still had our issues to work out.  She had yet to forgive me for all my failings in the marriage.  And she had not yet forgiven herself.  I had to forgive her for the money that had been wasted due to the affair (in total something well over $6000).  Forgiveness is hard, even when it is a core value in your faith.  I did forgive her, though.  The Lord will provide.

The definition of Grace is as follows:

grace  

/grās/
noun

simple elegance or refinement of movement.
"she moved through the water with effortless grace"
synonyms:  elegance, poise, gracefulness, finesse; suppleness, agility, nimbleness, light-footedness
"the grace of a ballerina"

The definition really doesn't do credit to the Christian meaning of the word.  I had prayed for my wife to see God's grace back before any of the mud hit the fan.  Little did I know I still had to learn what grace meant myself.  Grace does not just mean forgiveness.  It also means speaking kindly about my wife to others, even when asking them for their advice concerning negative things that she does.  It's massaging her feet even if she's done wrong to me that day.  It's ignoring the triggers in her personality that bring everything she's done crashing back into my mind.  It's recognizing my role in her mistakes and making changes in myself even if she makes improvements to herself at a slower pace.  It's to love her on days that her love seems so far away.  It's wearing my wedding ring even though she doesn't wear hers.

It's easy to get angry under these circumstances.  I found that if my actions were for myself or for my wife, I would be angry at how out of control the muddy mess was.  But, when I did things for our marriage knowing that they were ultimately for God and His bigger picture, a peace came over me.

When we pray for grace, does God give us grace like an automaton?  Or does God give us the opportunity to be graceful?  I had started reading and performing the book "Love Dare," a 40 day challenge to heal hurting marriages.  Even though a lot of it didn't apply because my wife was not a fellow believer, it was still helpful.  But, to be completely honest, I was doing most of the dares in the book already.  Still, it kept me focused.

My wife had returned.  From time to time she would do something that I would perceive as a wrong directed at me.  I would call my circle of advisers and get their advice.  In the way I asked for that advice I spoke badly of her.  But the Spirit convicted me.  I challenged myself to go an entire week without saying anything bad about her.  The week culminated in our 6 year wedding anniversary.  To be honest, the challenge wasn't even hard; it was beautiful.

God's not finished with me yet.

The Flood

Save me, O God; for the waters are come in unto my soul.

I sink in deep mire, where there is no standing: I am come into deep waters, where the floods overflow me.

I am weary of my crying: my throat is dried: mine eyes fail while I wait for my God.

Psalm 69:1-3

"Lord, remember your servant!" I had prayed shortly before the flood.  "What ever your will is with my wife, I trust you.  Which ever path you would have me walk, I will walk it.  Just please walk it with us.  Thank you Lord!  Your will be done, your will be done, your will be done!"

I wasn't the only one praying.  Matt and Natalie and Tom were praying.  I had an army of people praying for us at Church.  Pastor Josh was praying for us along with the whole leadership board.

The rain had been coming for a week, maybe 2.  On April 18th, 2013, the lakes, streams, creeks and ponds in West Michigan had had enough.  Water spilled out into yards and streets, flooding basements, blocking roads, and closing businesses.  My house was spared.  It was just high enough, although my neighbor's basement flooded.

This was one of the days that my wife came over to see the kids.  I texted her that my street was marked as closed but to just drive around the barrier because my house had avoided the destruction.  I was nervous, though, about the rising deluge.  I kept checking on the water level and every time I checked I found it a little higher.  I prayed for protection from the flood and for the homes of my neighbors.

"our street"

My wife was quite surprised by what she saw.  When I had told her the road was flooded she was not expecting to find several people kayaking through the streets.  She seemed mesmerized by it.  The rain had slowed to a light sprinkle yet the water seemed to keep pouring in from somewhere.  She wanted to go explore the neighborhood.  She asked me if I wanted to go.  I almost didn't.  I had work to do.  I'm glad I went with her.  We took the 3 kids and went on an adventure.

Josie (left) and Brynn (right)

The kids loved it.  My wife was having fun.  I forgot my troubles.  For a short bit, I forgot that we were no longer a family.  I think my wife did, too.  I say that because she posted a picture on Facebook and called it "our street."  She later corrected herself by answering a question in the comments of the photo by saying "Mike's house."  But, the slip was made.

We returned home and my wife offered to buy pizza from Hungry Howies.  That was where John worked his 2nd job.  Suddenly I remembered we were no longer a family.  I explained that I would never order pizza from there and it hurt me that she would even suggest it.

It was also on this night that my wife admitted to withdrawing her 401k.  We had worked hard to get it up to $8000.  In withdrawing it, she had thrown $3000 straight into the trash to get $5000.  This upset me.  Even though it was her 401k, I had helped earned that $3000 that was now gone.  She said that she needed the money.  I told her that I would come after part of the $5000 during the prosecution.  She became angry with me.  I became angry with the disproportionate amount of money she got out of the split compared to me and the kids.

What had been a great day between the 2 of us was spiraling quickly.  Grace came over me.  I just wanted things to be good.  I wanted her to be happy.  Sobbing, I came up behind her and grabbed her in a hug.  "Let go of me," she ordered.

"You can keep the money," I cried, still holding her.  "I won't come after it.  Are we good?"

"Are we?" she asked back, calmed.

"Yes," I told her.  If I had to pinpoint a moment in which I forgave her the abandonment I felt, I believe it to be right then.

She left that night after we put the kids to bed, like she always did.  I went back to work down in my office.

That night I received a text message from my wife, "Does your family hate me?"

"No," I texted her.  "You gave them 3 beautiful kids."

The texting didn't stop there.  It went on.  As the conversation progressed, it became very clear to me that my wife was missing me.  She wanted to come home.  She felt what I had felt earlier in the day.  I asked if I could call her instead of texting but she wanted to text.  It gave her time to think about her responses.  She was very afraid about making the wrong choice about big decisions.  She told me that she still loved me, that she had never stopped.

She let me know that one of the reasons for the affair, "Was our beautiful beautiful kids."

She texted me, "You are probably wondering what changed."

"Yes," I answered.  "I was waiting for the right moment to ask."

"It's like a fog has been lifted," she answered.

I fell to the ground and worshiped God.  I sang His praises that night.  I had forgotten what happiness felt like.  My wife and I had been separated for 2 months.  I was consumed with joy.  I often wonder what the fog was.  The easy answer would be postpartum depression, however, she had virtually none of the symptoms and even displayed their exact opposite.  She refused to be tested for it.  If I had to guess as to why she refused, I think it's because she feared that she would not be diagnosed with postpartum, and would lose that illness as an excuse for her actions.

"What if I wake up in the morning and I don't feel like this anymore?" she asked me.  "I would hurt you all over again."

"How do I say this -" I answered.  "To have the chance to raise my kids with my wife at my side, to grow old together, to show everyone that we made it through this trial to the other side... that's a chance I'm willing to take."

The next day I awoke to find the water had completely receded.  The flood just up and vanished overnight.  I'm happy to report that when I dropped the kids off to her the next night (a Friday), the fog was still lifted.

Buck Creek became Buck Sea

Run With Me

Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work:  If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!  Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

II found myself wondering, "Did God really answer my prayer for more Time?"  Yeah, I had quit all of my hobbies, but I spent all my new time watching the kids and working - other than Friday & Saturday nights.  This didn't feel like more time to make disciples.  Then it dawned on me:  the kids.  I spent more time with my kids than ever before.  Under our current living arrangement we could pray before every meal and before bedtime and pray whenever the Spirit compelled us.  We could blast Christian music and sing and dance together.  There are certain songs my girls love to hear.  They know the words and always join in when songs come on like The Great I Am and 10,000 Reasons and Revelation Song, to name a few.

Other discipleship was afoot as well.  My Friday and Saturday nights were spent interacting with a variety of different people.  Through these interactions, two friendships emerged that stand out.

Matt

Matt & Holly

Matt was originally introduced to me through my wife's circle of friends many years ago.  We saw each other at the annual Halloween Party, and were Facebook friends, but beyond that we were better classified as acquaintances.

Matt's Church performed a play entitled Shadows.  Matt had several tickets and felt compelled by the Spirit to invite me.  The phone call from Matt seemed out of the blue.  I remember him telling me that he had prayed over the tickets to decide who he should give the last one to.  My name was given to him.  It just so happened that my Friday night was free and I agreed to go with him, his girlfriend Holly, and a couple of his roommates.

The play struck a chord in me.  The theme of the play was grace.  It was about a wife who sacrificed her own life to save her non-believing, cheating husband, who would later accept Christ into his heart.  The story jumped back and forth between the 1950's and the time of Christ.  I spent many moments of the play trying to mask my tears as the story unfolded.  In many ways it was my story.  After the play Matt asked me what I thought of it.  I told Matt that I wanted to share my testimony with him.  That night we went back to his place with everyone.  Some other folks came over as well.  A party scene began to emerge.  But, the conversation turned to the Lord and to the play and to some degree, my wife and I.

I did not have my private conversation with Matt that night.  I came back to his place the next night as well.  This was rare for me.  I usually spent each night with a completely new group of people, even week to week.  This time, Matt and I went downstairs and I shared my testimony with him.  I explained how God had moved in my life, how God had answered my prayers to show my wife grace.  Matt was moved.  He told me his story, and how he was walking closer with God now, and how he needed more fellow believers in his life to motivate him.  He would later share my story with Holly's family as well.

From that encounter came several dinners together and the creation of a Small Group that met on Saturdays.  The Small Group included my friend Tom who had originally led me to God when I was in my early teens.

Matt and Holly now attend HomeFront Church.  A few months after this all went down, Matt asked Holly's dad for permission to marry her.  I am to be a groomsman in their wedding.

Natalie

Natalie was also introduced to me through my wife's circle of friends many years ago (the same circle that included Matt).  She had joined the military several years back and had moved away.  But we were Facebook friends, so I was able to see how she was doing.  She had married John, who she met while in the service.  She had two kids and one more on the way.

To set the stage I want to go back in time prior to me finding out about the affair, but after attending HomeFront Church.  Somewhere in the middle there, when I was running high in the Spirit, Natalie began posting on Facebook that she was having doubts about her belief in God.  However, she was coming back from her apostate and posting on Facebook that she was starting to believe again.  Many of her atheist friends were coming after her pretty hard with their posts.

I posted something along the lines of, "It's not a bad thing to have doubts.  I had doubts, too.  Through research and soul searching my faith came out stronger than ever before."

It was a post of light in the midst of many posts of darkness.

Fast forward to May 2013.  Natalie and her husband John are moving back into the neighborhood.  I am sitting in my office working that weekend when I get a Facebook message.  It's from Natalie asking if I could help her and John move stuff from the U Haul Truck up to their apartment.  Like Matt's phone call, this seemed out of the blue.  After so many people had helped me through my mud I get a lot of pleasure in randomly helping other people.  I said yes and came over.

I was the only person helping them move.  Natalie asked me where my wife was.  She had no idea that she had left me.  After moving (and during) I gave Natalie and John my testimony.  They needed a new church to attend now that they had moved.  So, I invited them to HomeFront.

During the first service with Natalie, the guest pastor taught us about Claim Your Campus.  The purpose of this organization reads as follows:  Our organization & strategy is focused on unleashing a generation of young people to bring about a spiritual awakening in America so that we are NEVER THE SAME.

We learned about an upcoming Mud Run 5K.  The money raised would go to Claim Your Campus.  I had never run in a 5K before but I saw it as a chance to contribute to making disciples.  Also, the run through the mud served as a metaphor for my life at the moment and my current "running the race" (1 Corinthians 9:24-27).  I began to train using a program called Couch to 5K.

John and Natalie and our kids taking a walk down Kent Trails

As I run the race of life I praise God for the other believers he has racing alongside me.  Why do I still praise God even though my kids and I are going through a really rough time? I was not put on earth to be happy. I was put on earth to praise God. I could spend my time seeking happiness through sin and maybe find it from time to time. Or, I could spend my time seeking holiness and Christian fellowship.  Then, true joy will come as a byproduct. It's easy to praise God when the sky is blue and the birds are chirping. But, my reason for existing is to exalt Him, no matter what the situation is.  And no matter what that situation may be, God has blessed us with other believers so we do not have to run alone.

Rejecting the Gray

I wrote this for my wife after starting the divorce proceedings...  It's called "Rejecting the Gray"

Would I do anything to remove this pain?
Erase all the good memories of you from my brain...
Slay this anguish that hurts so deep,
Forget all the times next to you I fell asleep.
I could get rid of the loneliness I feel inside,
If I no longer remembered the companionship of you as my bride.
Without your years of loyalty,
There would exist no betrayal.
Without our personal intimacy,
Visuals of you with him would not haunt me to no avail.
Perhaps depression & anxiety would let me be,
If on that day with Pippin I didn't ask you to marry me.
I wonder if your unwillingness to reconcile would matter,
If three children we brought home from Metro didn't pitter-patter.
No pills would be needed to fight back the panic,
If our wedding in the Bahamas had been less romantic.
Perhaps this loss would feel less like a death in the family,
If I hadn't grown to love yours so happily.
If only we hadn't made plans to live in the country and grow old,
Then maybe today my heart wouldn't be this ice cold.
But I stand here today and gladly experience all of this pain,
Knowing we had a chance to share a name.
Life is full of pain, but only because we know of joy,
You can't have one without the other without living in a gray void.
I choose to live life in vibrant color, taking the good with the bad,
So I cherish all the good times, even though today they make me unbearably sad.

My Wife

This is the poem that I framed and gave to my wife as part of reason #1 of 40 that we should be together.  On the back of the frame it read, "Reason #1... to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part."


 

She's a tattoo on her leg,
Another two on her back.
Her sandals are spread through-out the house,
I think she loses track.
She's I want a frosty from Wendy's,
Hurry they close at midnight.
She's I can't find a thing to wear,
She always leaves on the light.

She's a Chevy Cobalt driver,
Her road rage gets her mad.
She's the hand I love holdin',
While we're watching "Breaking Bad."
She's a great conversation,
She's a hug that's always tight.
Her patience with me is amazing,
Even when she knows she's right.

She's everything I always wanted,
But never thought I'd find.
She's perfect for me in every way,
She's one of a kind.

She's a Saturday night at the house,
Hangin' with her girls.
You'll catch her playing the music channels,
Helping her daughters dance and twirl.
She shares her food with the kids,
Unless it's pumpkin pie then she hides.
She's a half-beer drinker,
Before her inhibitions start to slide.

She's the free spirit I wish I could be,
When I'm busy she likes to hover.
She's the voice of my encouragement,
My unborn child's mother.
She's the best at doing research,
The designer of great vacations.
She's a half-tank of gas,
Better start looking for gas stations.

She tells me all the time,
How she'll one day out live me.
She's a fun game of scrabble,
Even though she'll never beat me.
She's stuck with me for 5 years,
Even more if you count our dating.
Quite frankly I'm amazed,
She's still loving and not hating.

You're everything I ever wanted,
You're perfect for me.
Happy anniversary, babe,
You make me the best that I can be.

As I read this poem, I find it strangely prophetic.  I acknowledged that I was too busy doing too many things:  “When I’m busy she likes to hover” and “Quite frankly I’m amazed, She’s still loving and not hating.”  It seems I knew a problem existed, but did not act fast enough to fix it.  For every two hobbies I gave up I picked up one more.  I was walking away from being too busy instead of running away.  When it comes to sin, we are never told to walk away.  We are told to flee.

Do what is good and run from evil so that you may live! Then the LORD God of Heaven’s Armies will be your helper, just as you have claimed.  - Amos 5:14

But you, man of God, flee from all this, and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance and gentleness.  - 1 Timothy 6:11

Flee the evil desires of youth and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart.  - 2 Timothy 2:22

In this poem I claim that my wife is perfect for me:  “She’s perfect for me in every way.”  How can this be true?  Is anyone perfect for someone else?  Let’s look at this through the eyes of Christ (the bridegroom) toward his Church (the bride).

It is not that my wife is everything I want her to be; that would be an unrealistic and impossible expectation to put on someone.  Rather, she is perfect for me in spite of her shortcomings.  My love for her transcends any mistakes that she might make.  Love causes me to desire her despite her imperfections.  Love fills in the gaps and makes us a perfect fit.  Are there other women out there that would be better for me?  Absolutely.  But because of love, I choose her, and she is perfect for me through love.

For by one sacrifice he has made perfect forever those who are being made holy.  – Hebrews 10:14

Don’t misquote me, there are things that couples should and need to work on to improve their relationships.  The same applies to our relationship with God.  There are sins we need to give up to have better communion with Him.  However, that does not change that love (Jesus) has made us perfect for Him.  In this way, my wife was perfect for me.  Even though she isn’t perfect, she is perfect for me – because of love.

But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.  - Romans 5:8

She is perfect for me by my own choice.  In the Greek, this is referred to as Agape love, and it is the most powerful kind of love there is.  Unfortunately, she did not think I was perfect for her.

Divorce

I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.  - Matthew 19:9

My relationship with my wife was very complex.  I loved her very much and wanted her to come home.  Yet, she made it clear she had no intention of coming home.  I also would experience anger when I thought about the abandonment.  I would get sad when I envisioned the affair and how I thought it may have played out.  I hurt.  Yet, I longed to see her on the days she visited the kids.  I was worn by this inner conflict of emotion.  I had no control.  She was in the driver's seat.

One day, I was so angry with her abandonment, and more specifically her inability to acknowledge the abandonment, that I took to Facebook.  Up until this point, not too many people knew that she had had an affair.  People knew that we were having problems and that we were separated but they didn't know why.  I had not yet "thrown her under the bus."  Finally, I caved.  Waves of people offered me advice and condolences.  Many offered to babysit.  It helped.  It also made my wife cry - and her mom.  I deleted the post by the end of the day but the damage was done.  My wife lost several Facebook friends that day.

That night she told me that she no longer held out any hope for us.  She said that she had deep down been considering coming back, but not now.  Not after this.  She wanted a divorce.  I remember driving home from a bowling alley after she had told me this.  The number 40 came to mind.  I would give her 40 days before filing for divorce.  Each day I would send her 1 reason why we should be together.  As I started to concoct this plan I looked over and saw a speed limit sign that read "40."  It was more than just a sign, it was a sign.  I would like to note that I drove through this same stretch of road several months later to find speed limit signs that read 30 and 35, but none that said 40.

That night I wrote 3 letters.  I wrote 1 to my wife and 1 to each of her parents.  They were apology letters.  The next morning I showed up at their house with donuts and the letters.  I apologized to each of them for what I had posted on Facebook and gave them the letters.  Her parents hugged me.  My wife cried.  It was the first time I had seen her cry.  She often said that she felt no emotion and that she didn't understand why.  She didn't get sad about any of this mess.  It was a big deal to see her cry.  She was crying in shame.  Now even her grandparents knew, along with all of our friends and family.

I gave her the first of the 40 reasons.  It was a poem that I had written to her on our 5th wedding anniversary.  I framed it with a picture of our wedding day on the beach.  I saw a flash in her eyes.  I would see that flash now and again.  It gave me hope.  That flash revealed a longing to come home, and I knew it.

Nevertheless, a couple days later I asked her for advice about my 40 day thing.  Her advice was for me to stop doing it.  So I did.  I think I only made it to day 3.  I should have stayed the course but I didn't.  The spirit was willing but the flesh was weak.  I couldn't handle 40 days of suffering - I wanted closure.  I would pay for it, literally, in the form of a divorce payment.

Not soon after that I filed for divorce.  I wanted to reconcile but she did not.  It is so hard to write your children's names on a legal document as if they are property.  I would get the kids, I did not even have to fight for them.  It would be 6 months until the divorce would be finalized.

In the meantime I started to try and distance myself from her.  I would not linger when I dropped off the kids.  I would barely look at her.  At one point I explained my behavior.  I let her know that the door for her to come home was still open and would be until the divorce paperwork was signed.  However, for my own personal healing, I needed distance to try and get over her.

I found myself walking with people through their mud like only someone in the mud themselves can do.  Empathy, true empathy, comes from personal experience.  Before going out on the weekends, I would pray about what I was about to do.  I wanted God's light to shine through me for others.  I found myself going to party situations and turning the conversation over to the Lord.  I took joy in helping people with their trials and offering encouragement.  I walked away from those nights feeling good about what I had done instead of tired and intoxicated.

I had the most Psalm-worthy and heartfelt prayers during these times that ended with me face down on the ground sobbing.  I absolutely threw myself onto the Lord.  I wanted His will to be done.  I didn't know what He planned for my wife.  I didn't know if she was supposed to stay away or come home.  I didn't want it to be my choice.  I didn't want it to be her choice.  I wanted His will to be done.  There's an incredible peace that comes from casting such a heavy burden onto God.  In addition to my prayers, we had an army of people praying for us.

Abandoned

Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.  Deuteronomy 31:6

My life looked a lot different now.  I woke up around 7 AM with the kids.  I watched them until 8:30 PM at which time they all went to bed.  I then worked from my office in the basement until midnight.  I went to sleep, waking up twice with the baby.  Then I awoke at 7 AM and started it all over again.

My wife had the kids on Saturday, which helped.  I dropped them off Friday night and picked them up Sunday morning for Church.  Also, my wife's mom came over on Wednesdays and watched them during the day so that I could work.  My mom came over on Mondays so that I could do the grocery shopping.  That was weird - grocery shopping.  My wife had always done that.  She was good at it.

I felt abandoned.  I had forgiven my wife for the affair but now I had to find it in my heart to forgive her the abandonment and let go of my anger.  She would come over a couple times during the week to visit the kids.  In her mind and her parents', she did not abandon us.  To me, my family, and the rest of the world, we were abandoned.  You don't have to leave the state to abandon your family.  Her midweek visits were to me no different than going to see animals at the zoo.  She was looking into a glass case.  She wasn't with us in the mud.  I was raising these kids.  She, to this day, disputes me on that point, but that's what it felt like.

The mortgage fell to me.  All the bills.  She paid child support, but it was below what the courts were going to assign her to pay.

When my wife and I were still together, I had always felt anxiety when the kids spent the night away from the house.  But this was a whole new ball game.  I recall the first night away from my kids.  I remember it was a Friday night.  I had been working downstairs in my office.  I went upstairs for something and found the house dark.  There had been daylight when I went down to work.  All the windows were still open.  The house was quiet.  My family was gone.  It was dark.  I had a family not too long ago...  my family was now gone...  Wow.  I hope everyone reading this never has to experience what I am trying to describe.

I needed to get out of the house.  I couldn't stay there.  I texted someone.  Even though I was separated from my wife, it was someone I should not have texted given I was still married.  That night I did not have sex with another woman, but I wasn't faithful to my wife either.  Nothing came of that relationship.

I found that I needed to have plans ready for Friday and Saturday night.  I needed to get out of that house.  I could not stand to be alone there.  In fact, if I didn't have plans for the coming weekend by Monday or Tuesday I became anxious and had mini panic attacks.  I had to be put on Xanax just so I could keep my focus and work at night.  I had dropped 30 pounds to 195 (Hey, at least something good came of it!).

Each weekend night I seemed to be hanging out with completely different groups of people.  I was meeting a ton of new people and also renewing neglected relationships.  I was also living a lifestyle that was very unhealthy.  I found myself wearing my cross necklace less and less.  I found myself getting little sleep on those nights.  I was still seeing my counselor on Wednesdays while my wife's mom watched the kids.  I began using this as an opportunity to improve myself.  I began keeping a list of things I wanted to improve about myself in 4 categories:  Physically, Spiritually, Personality, and Productivity.  Each weekend my mistakes had me adding more and more to the list.  But, I was working at it.  I threw myself onto the Lord.  I began having prayerful conversations with Him, even more meaningful than when I was running the race before.  With His help, I began winning small battles.  The wins began to outnumber the losses.

However, I had to come to peace with the fact that I would not be able to go to Israel for my 33rd birthday.  The trip would cost around $3500 and I had to focus on keeping the house for the sake of my kids.

It took a long time but I found that I was okay if I didn't have plans on the weekend.  I began to settle into my new life.  Friends began to emerge.  People helped me.  My Church held me together.  God walked with me.

I wrote this to describe my transition:

Having conquered the world, I now gave it back with a sigh, for in so conquering I let myself die. One by one the world went into my glass case; with each captured piece I forgot how to taste. And when the glass was full, it shattered all at once, releasing its contents like a kick to my gut. Severed away leaving a pain that was at first so unbearable, I found that having been severed was not all that terrible. For what remained was the me that was Me, encased in vibrant living simplicity. I walk alive over the glass on the ground, for my taste buds once forgotten have now been found.

God shattered my glass case of affirmation because that was not the path to my salvation.  My false identity had to be removed and replaced with my true self.

For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will save it. What good is it for someone to gain the whole world, and yet lose or forfeit their very self?  -Luke 9:24-25