I came home from the Winter Walk very excited because a cross necklace I had ordered from Israel had arrived. The necklace was made of olive wood from the holy land and was assembled in Bethlehem. Not long after obtaining this item, I posted this picture on Facebook:
Valentine’s Day. Oddly, my wife ignored the card I put out for her this morning and set off to work without it. I thought perhaps she had not seen it, despite the fact that it was taped to the mirror she used in the bathroom. No matter, I was excited to give her Chinese food for dinner that night.
When she got home from work I got into her car to pick up the food. Her car smelled like cigarette smoke. I am angry. My wife didn’t smoke (or so I naively think). She confessed that she did smoke, with her co-worker John, in her car that day. I was so upset that I canceled dinner.
The more I thought about it, the more I grew suspicious. She had recently switched over to her parents' cell phone company because she was going over the text message limit on our plan. The day after Valentine's Day I began checking the phone records online. Sure enough, out of 500 text messages, 400 were to a number I didn't recognize. My heart filled with dread. When she got home from work, I checked her phone’s contact list to see whose number she had been texting so frequently. It is John's phone number. All the text messages had been deleted off of her phone.
At first, I rationalized that they had an emotional relationship. Although inappropriate, we could deal with that. My mind reeled and I couldn’t wait to confront her. She sat feeding our baby who was buckled into his highchair, "Do you have anything you want to tell me?" She said no. I tell her that I knew how much she was texting John. She lied and said that they are just friends. I told her that it is inappropriate for a married woman to have a male friend like that.
I bluffed and told her that I could go back and read the deleted text messages online. I told her, "If you messed up, I get the kids." I gave her one last chance to come clean. She admitted that she slept with him. I crumbled to the floor. I sob, "How could you do this to the kids?" and "You've ruined everything. There is not any part of our life that is not ruined by this." She told me it was only once, that it happened a of couple weeks ago. Over time the truth would come out. It happened 6 times, in addition to sexual text messaging. The first time was 2 days after I met him. The last time occurred on Valentine's Day. I asked her if she even wanted to be with me. She shrugged. She told me that she was sorry and that she never wanted to hurt me.
She asked me, "Do you want to hit me?"
"No," I replied, surprised and disgusted by her question. I have never shown any violence toward women, and I wasn't going to start. She wanted me to do it, I think. That was a trap, a way to play the victim, to blame-shift. She was on the hunt for justification for her actions, but I wasn't a monster.
I left the house. I went to HomeFront first. Pastor Josh met me there. I was crying. I told him that I had an out: Jesus himself spoke of sexual immorality as a way out of marriage. Pastor Josh talked me down from divorce. "But she doesn't even want to be with me." He explained that that was not what she had said. After much prayer I thank Josh and went to leave. I turned to him and said, "I feel like Job." What I meant by that wasn't that my situation was the same as Job's. The first tragedy that happened in my life occurred when I was running the race at my fastest. Or, was I running the race fast because a tragedy was coming? I would never curse the Lord but instead come to realize that the trial I walked served a purpose.
Next, I went to be with my mom. After several hours away from the house I went back home. I don't remember much about the days that followed. I remember realizing that God had given me the opportunity to show my wife the grace that I had prayed for. So, I forgave her. I remember she moved in with her parents. I remember I got custody of the kids. I remember quitting all of my hobbies and things I was doing. I quit everything except my job (I worked from home). I was just going to take care of the kids and work.
I quit so many things. What else could have happened that would have made me quit my life? I had prayed for more time to make disciples and now all the idols in my life were gone. I'm not saying God made my wife have an affair; God doesn't make us sin, our own free will is the culprit (James 1:13). However, if our free will is a fish, God is the water in which we swim. He can use our evil deeds to bring about good.
All my extracurricular activities had served as a trophy case to my pride: my poker league, dungeons and dragons, my military service, hockey (both watching and playing), my elected office, and on and on... The Lord reminded me who I was. The world looked different to me now. I had gone through life up to that point with no tragedy. Now, I had empathy that was not faked or forced. I could see The Fall in the faces of everyone. My story was theirs with a different plot twist.
Coincidentally, within a week of this revelation in my marriage I officially became a member of HomeFront Church. I recall standing in front of everyone during the ceremony with several other new members. I was an emotional wreck, and I can only imagine what I must have looked like standing up there. I needed that, though. I needed a Church family to help me through that mess. Membership had great meaning to me. It came at the right time.
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