Rejecting the Gray

I wrote this for my wife after starting the divorce proceedings...  It's called "Rejecting the Gray"

Would I do anything to remove this pain?
Erase all the good memories of you from my brain...
Slay this anguish that hurts so deep,
Forget all the times next to you I fell asleep.
I could get rid of the loneliness I feel inside,
If I no longer remembered the companionship of you as my bride.
Without your years of loyalty,
There would exist no betrayal.
Without our personal intimacy,
Visuals of you with him would not haunt me to no avail.
Perhaps depression & anxiety would let me be,
If on that day with Pippin I didn't ask you to marry me.
I wonder if your unwillingness to reconcile would matter,
If three children we brought home from Metro didn't pitter-patter.
No pills would be needed to fight back the panic,
If our wedding in the Bahamas had been less romantic.
Perhaps this loss would feel less like a death in the family,
If I hadn't grown to love yours so happily.
If only we hadn't made plans to live in the country and grow old,
Then maybe today my heart wouldn't be this ice cold.
But I stand here today and gladly experience all of this pain,
Knowing we had a chance to share a name.
Life is full of pain, but only because we know of joy,
You can't have one without the other without living in a gray void.
I choose to live life in vibrant color, taking the good with the bad,
So I cherish all the good times, even though today they make me unbearably sad.

My Wife

This is the poem that I framed and gave to my wife as part of reason #1 of 40 that we should be together.  On the back of the frame it read, "Reason #1... to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part."

She's a tattoo on her leg,
Another two on her back.
Her sandals are spread through-out the house,
I think she loses track.
She's I want a frosty from Wendy's,
Hurry they close at midnight.
She's I can't find a thing to wear,
She always leaves on the light.

She's a Chevy Cobalt driver,
Her road rage gets her mad.
She's the hand I love holdin',
While we're watching "Breaking Bad."
She's a great conversation,
She's a hug that's always tight.
Her patience with me is amazing,
Even when she knows she's right.

She's everything I always wanted,
But never thought I'd find.
She's perfect for me in every way,
She's one of a kind.

She's a Saturday night at the house,
Hangin' with her girls.
You'll catch her playing the music channels,
Helping her daughters dance and twirl.
She shares her food with the kids,
Unless it's pumpkin pie then she hides.
She's a half-beer drinker,
Before her inhibitions start to slide.

She's the free spirit I wish I could be,
When I'm busy she likes to hover.
She's the voice of my encouragement,
My unborn child's mother.
She's the best at doing research,
The designer of great vacations.
She's a half-tank of gas,
Better start looking for gas stations.

She tells me all the time,
How she'll one day out live me.
She's a fun game of scrabble,
Even though she'll never beat me.
She's stuck with me for 5 years,
Even more if you count our dating.
Quite frankly I'm amazed,
She's still loving and not hating.

You're everything I ever wanted,
You're perfect for me.
Happy anniversary, babe,
You make me the best that I can be.

As I read this poem, I find it strangely prophetic.  I acknowledged that I was too busy doing too many things:  “When I’m busy she likes to hover” and “Quite frankly I’m amazed, She’s still loving and not hating.”  It seems I knew a problem existed, but did not act fast enough to fix it.  For every two hobbies I gave up I picked up one more.  I was walking away from being too busy instead of running away.  When it comes to sin, we are never told to walk away.  We are told to flee.

Do what is good and run from evil so that you may live! Then the LORD God of Heaven’s Armies will be your helper, just as you have claimed.  - Amos 5:14

But you, man of God, flee from all this, and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance and gentleness.  - 1 Timothy 6:11

Flee the evil desires of youth and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart.  - 2 Timothy 2:22

In this poem I claim that my wife is perfect for me:  “She’s perfect for me in every way.”  How can this be true?  Is anyone perfect for someone else?  Let’s look at this through the eyes of Christ (the bridegroom) toward his Church (the bride).

It is not that my wife is everything I want her to be; that would be an unrealistic and impossible expectation to put on someone.  Rather, she is perfect for me in spite of her shortcomings.  My love for her transcends any mistakes that she might make.  Love causes me to desire her despite her imperfections.  Love fills in the gaps and makes us a perfect fit.  Are there other women out there that would be better for me?  Absolutely.  But because of love, I choose her, and she is perfect for me through love.

For by one sacrifice he has made perfect forever those who are being made holy.  – Hebrews 10:14

Don’t misquote me, there are things that couples should and need to work on to improve their relationships.  The same applies to our relationship with God.  There are sins we need to give up to have better communion with Him.  However, that does not change that love (Jesus) has made us perfect for Him.  In this way, my wife was perfect for me.  Even though she isn’t perfect, she is perfect for me – because of love.

But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.  - Romans 5:8

She is perfect for me by my own choice.  In the Greek, this is referred to as Agape love, and it is the most powerful kind of love there is.  Unfortunately, she did not think I was perfect for her.

Divorce

I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.  - Matthew 19:9

My relationship with my wife was very complex.  I loved her very much and wanted her to come home.  Yet, she made it clear she had no intention of coming home.  I also would experience anger when I thought about the abandonment.  I would get sad when I envisioned the affair and how I thought it may have played out.  I hurt.  Yet, I longed to see her on the days she visited the kids.  I was worn by this inner conflict of emotion.  I had no control.  She was in the driver's seat.

One day, I was so angry with her abandonment, and more specifically her inability to acknowledge the abandonment, that I took to Facebook.  Up until this point, not too many people knew that she had had an affair.  People knew that we were having problems and that we were separated but they didn't know why.  I had not yet "thrown her under the bus."  Finally, I caved.  Waves of people offered me advice and condolences.  Many offered to babysit.  It helped.  It also made my wife cry - and her mom.  I deleted the post by the end of the day but the damage was done.  My wife lost several Facebook friends that day.

That night she told me that she no longer held out any hope for us.  She said that she had deep down been considering coming back, but not now.  Not after this.  She wanted a divorce.  I remember driving home from a bowling alley after she had told me this.  The number 40 came to mind.  I would give her 40 days before filing for divorce.  Each day I would send her 1 reason why we should be together.  As I started to concoct this plan I looked over and saw a speed limit sign that read "40."  It was more than just a sign, it was a sign.  I would like to note that I drove through this same stretch of road several months later to find speed limit signs that read 30 and 35, but none that said 40.

That night I wrote 3 letters.  I wrote 1 to my wife and 1 to each of her parents.  They were apology letters.  The next morning I showed up at their house with donuts and the letters.  I apologized to each of them for what I had posted on Facebook and gave them the letters.  Her parents hugged me.  My wife cried.  It was the first time I had seen her cry.  She often said that she felt no emotion and that she didn't understand why.  She didn't get sad about any of this mess.  It was a big deal to see her cry.  She was crying in shame.  Now even her grandparents knew, along with all of our friends and family.

I gave her the first of the 40 reasons.  It was a poem that I had written to her on our 5th wedding anniversary.  I framed it with a picture of our wedding day on the beach.  I saw a flash in her eyes.  I would see that flash now and again.  It gave me hope.  That flash revealed a longing to come home, and I knew it.

Nevertheless, a couple days later I asked her for advice about my 40 day thing.  Her advice was for me to stop doing it.  So I did.  I think I only made it to day 3.  I should have stayed the course but I didn't.  The spirit was willing but the flesh was weak.  I couldn't handle 40 days of suffering - I wanted closure.  I would pay for it, literally, in the form of a divorce payment.

Not soon after that I filed for divorce.  I wanted to reconcile but she did not.  It is so hard to write your children's names on a legal document as if they are property.  I would get the kids, I did not even have to fight for them.  It would be 6 months until the divorce would be finalized.

In the meantime I started to try and distance myself from her.  I would not linger when I dropped off the kids.  I would barely look at her.  At one point I explained my behavior.  I let her know that the door for her to come home was still open and would be until the divorce paperwork was signed.  However, for my own personal healing, I needed distance to try and get over her.

I found myself walking with people through their mud like only someone in the mud themselves can do.  Empathy, true empathy, comes from personal experience.  Before going out on the weekends, I would pray about what I was about to do.  I wanted God's light to shine through me for others.  I found myself going to party situations and turning the conversation over to the Lord.  I took joy in helping people with their trials and offering encouragement.  I walked away from those nights feeling good about what I had done instead of tired and intoxicated.

I had the most Psalm-worthy and heartfelt prayers during these times that ended with me face down on the ground sobbing.  I absolutely threw myself onto the Lord.  I wanted His will to be done.  I didn't know what He planned for my wife.  I didn't know if she was supposed to stay away or come home.  I didn't want it to be my choice.  I didn't want it to be her choice.  I wanted His will to be done.  There's an incredible peace that comes from casting such a heavy burden onto God.  In addition to my prayers, we had an army of people praying for us.

Abandoned

Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.  Deuteronomy 31:6

My life looked a lot different now.  I woke up around 7 AM with the kids.  I watched them until 8:30 PM at which time they all went to bed.  I then worked from my office in the basement until midnight.  I went to sleep, waking up twice with the baby.  Then I awoke at 7 AM and started it all over again.

My wife had the kids on Saturday, which helped.  I dropped them off Friday night and picked them up Sunday morning for Church.  Also, my wife's mom came over on Wednesdays and watched them during the day so that I could work.  My mom came over on Mondays so that I could do the grocery shopping.  That was weird - grocery shopping.  My wife had always done that.  She was good at it.

I felt abandoned.  I had forgiven my wife for the affair but now I had to find it in my heart to forgive her the abandonment and let go of my anger.  She would come over a couple times during the week to visit the kids.  In her mind and her parents', she did not abandon us.  To me, my family, and the rest of the world, we were abandoned.  You don't have to leave the state to abandon your family.  Her midweek visits were to me no different than going to see animals at the zoo.  She was looking into a glass case.  She wasn't with us in the mud.  I was raising these kids.  She, to this day, disputes me on that point, but that's what it felt like.

The mortgage fell to me.  All the bills.  She paid child support, but it was below what the courts were going to assign her to pay.

When my wife and I were still together, I had always felt anxiety when the kids spent the night away from the house.  But this was a whole new ball game.  I recall the first night away from my kids.  I remember it was a Friday night.  I had been working downstairs in my office.  I went upstairs for something and found the house dark.  There had been daylight when I went down to work.  All the windows were still open.  The house was quiet.  My family was gone.  It was dark.  I had a family not too long ago...  my family was now gone...  Wow.  I hope everyone reading this never has to experience what I am trying to describe.

I needed to get out of the house.  I couldn't stay there.  I texted someone.  Even though I was separated from my wife, it was someone I should not have texted given I was still married.  That night I did not have sex with another woman, but I wasn't faithful to my wife either.  Nothing came of that relationship.

I found that I needed to have plans ready for Friday and Saturday night.  I needed to get out of that house.  I could not stand to be alone there.  In fact, if I didn't have plans for the coming weekend by Monday or Tuesday I became anxious and had mini panic attacks.  I had to be put on Xanax just so I could keep my focus and work at night.  I had dropped 30 pounds to 195 (Hey, at least something good came of it!).

Each weekend night I seemed to be hanging out with completely different groups of people.  I was meeting a ton of new people and also renewing neglected relationships.  I was also living a lifestyle that was very unhealthy.  I found myself wearing my cross necklace less and less.  I found myself getting little sleep on those nights.  I was still seeing my counselor on Wednesdays while my wife's mom watched the kids.  I began using this as an opportunity to improve myself.  I began keeping a list of things I wanted to improve about myself in 4 categories:  Physically, Spiritually, Personality, and Productivity.  Each weekend my mistakes had me adding more and more to the list.  But, I was working at it.  I threw myself onto the Lord.  I began having prayerful conversations with Him, even more meaningful than when I was running the race before.  With His help, I began winning small battles.  The wins began to outnumber the losses.

However, I had to come to peace with the fact that I would not be able to go to Israel for my 33rd birthday.  The trip would cost around $3500 and I had to focus on keeping the house for the sake of my kids.

It took a long time but I found that I was okay if I didn't have plans on the weekend.  I began to settle into my new life.  Friends began to emerge.  People helped me.  My Church held me together.  God walked with me.

I wrote this to describe my transition:

Having conquered the world, I now gave it back with a sigh, for in so conquering I let myself die. One by one the world went into my glass case; with each captured piece I forgot how to taste. And when the glass was full, it shattered all at once, releasing its contents like a kick to my gut. Severed away leaving a pain that was at first so unbearable, I found that having been severed was not all that terrible. For what remained was the me that was Me, encased in vibrant living simplicity. I walk alive over the glass on the ground, for my taste buds once forgotten have now been found.

God shattered my glass case of affirmation because that was not the path to my salvation.  My false identity had to be removed and replaced with my true self.

For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will save it. What good is it for someone to gain the whole world, and yet lose or forfeit their very self?  -Luke 9:24-25

A Brief Return

For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.  But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.  Matthew 6:14-15

My wife moved out of our home and in with her parents.  Life changed in the blink of an eye.  I wanted her home.  I pleaded my case.  I forgave her.  I told her all she had to do was WANT to be forgiven (Luke 17:3).  And, she would have to quit her job.  Notions Marketing was not her career.  It would be unfair for me to know that each day she would go off and see Marty.  I made it very clear that she would have to choose me over Notions Marketing.  One night she confessed the gritty details of their relationship (via text) and I gave her an ultimatum:  If she punched into Notions Marketing the next morning, we were done; I would start the divorce paperwork.

I spent hardly any of that night asleep.  I sent her text message pictures of us together.  Apparently, I sent her so many that her phone battery died over night and her alarm did not go off in the morning.  She was an hour late for work.  But, she did go to work and punch in.

There is a certain peace that comes over you when something so heavy is no longer hanging up in the air.  I was sad, but I could move on.  Little did I know she was struggling at work.  She didn't feel like she was supposed to be there.  She punched out on break and did not return.  She told Marty that she didn't feel right at Notions Marketing and she had to go home.  He told her that he wished that he still had a family to go back to; for you see, Marty's wife had recently cheated on him and left.  He had perpetuated the cycle.

My wife drove home to me and the kids.  She told me later that she was driving so fast the thought crossed her mind that she may die in a traffic accident and I would never know that she was coming home.  I remember the sound of her keys jingling as she entered the house.  I rushed to meet her at the door and she asked, "Will you forgive me?"

I hugged her, "Yes.  I forgive you."

Some hard truths came to light when she returned.  She had had unprotected sex with him, and then unprotected sex with me, exposing me to any diseases he may have.  Thankfully, her STD tests came back clean.  I learned that Marty was a criminal; my wife alleged that he had laundered $20,000 from his previous employer without getting caught.  He was also an alcoholic who had been ordered to attend AA.  I began to wonder who my wife had become...

Within days of my wife coming back to me, Marty asked one of my wife's work friends to sleep with him.  My wife's friend declined the offer.

My wife made me change my wardrobe.  We went shopping and I had to buy new clothes.  She convinced me to buy different glasses that she picked out.  She also told me how to do my facial hair from now on.  I was in a messed-up state of mind so I let her control all of these things.  She was surprised I had not slept with anyone during our brief time apart.  She said to me, "I would have had sex with the first person I could find."

For two days things were really great - sort of.  She made me do things sexually to her that Marty had done to her.  This was very hard for me and sex became very confusing.  Down the road some of these things would come up in counseling as unsafe sexual acts.

She started missing him.  That was hard for me to bare.  When we drove places we couldn't drive the same route that she had taken to his house.  Looking at our wedding photos helped her.  She made me take away her phone and lock it up.  We changed her phone number.  I blocked him on Facebook for her (she asked me to).  For two days it was good.  But for two days after that it was hell on earth.  My wife became a brick wall.  She did not want to talk.  When she did talk she told me that she wanted an open marriage and to engage in threesomes.

She admitted that she had been looking at pornography for a while now.  This blew me away; I had no idea.  Sadly, I think this addiction is partially to blame for her cheating.  She was comfortable in a situation she wasn't supposed to be in because she had already filled her mind with those situations via the internet.  She didn't see anything wrong with looking at porn.

Secretly, she opened her own bank account and transferred $1000 to it.  She also got her job back at Notions Marketing.  She then moved back in with her parents.

The day after she moved out we were to meet with a counselor.   Instead, I showed up alone.

The kids and I were alone in the house once again.

A Fallen World

Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, love for the Father is not in them.  1 John 2:15

I came home from the Winter Walk very excited because a cross necklace I had ordered from Israel had arrived.  The necklace was made of olive wood from the holy land and was assembled in Bethlehem.  Not long after obtaining this item, I posted this picture on Facebook:

The caption read:  “Love this picture because it symbolizes my 3 covenants. At any given moment I'm probably carrying each one. The coin represents service to the MiVDF 5th battalion; we are ever ready to serve. The ring, a symbol of the Agape love in my marriage to [my wife] and by extension our 3 kids. The crucifix lets others know I belong to Him and is a symbol of his saving grace. It is made from Olive Wood from Israel and was constructed in Bethlehem. We have been doing a series at Church called Believe, Become, Belong. Now you know what I believe, how I became, and I know where I belong.”

Valentine’s Day.  Oddly, my wife ignored the card I put out for her this morning and set off to work without it.  I thought perhaps she had not seen it, despite the fact that it was taped to the mirror she used in the bathroom.  No matter, I was excited to give her Chinese food for dinner that night.

When she got home from work I got into her car to pick up the food.  Her car smelled like cigarette smoke.  I am angry.  My wife didn’t smoke (or so I naively think).  She confessed that she did smoke, with her co-worker John, in her car that day.  I was so upset that I canceled dinner.

The more I thought about it, the more I grew suspicious.  She had recently switched over to her parents' cell phone company because she was going over the text message limit on our plan.  The day after Valentine's Day I began checking the phone records online.  Sure enough, out of 500 text messages, 400 were to a number I didn't recognize.  My heart filled with dread.  When she got home from work, I checked her phone’s contact list to see whose number she had been texting so frequently.  It is John's phone number.  All the text messages had been deleted off of her phone.

At first, I rationalized that they had an emotional relationship.  Although inappropriate, we could deal with that.  My mind reeled and I couldn’t wait to confront her.  She sat feeding our baby who was buckled into his highchair, "Do you have anything you want to tell me?"  She said no.  I tell her that I knew how much she was texting John.  She lied and said that they are just friends.  I told her that it is inappropriate for a married woman to have a male friend like that.

I bluffed and told her that I could go back and read the deleted text messages online.  I told her, "If you messed up, I get the kids."  I gave her one last chance to come clean.  She admitted that she slept with him.  I crumbled to the floor.  I sob, "How could you do this to the kids?" and "You've ruined everything.  There is not any part of our life that is not ruined by this."  She told me it was only once, that it happened a of couple weeks ago.  Over time the truth would come out.  It happened 6 times, in addition to sexual text messaging.  The first time was 2 days after I met him.  The last time occurred on Valentine's Day.  I asked her if she even wanted to be with me.  She shrugged.  She told me that she was sorry and that she never wanted to hurt me.

She asked me, "Do you want to hit me?"

"No," I replied, surprised and disgusted by her question.  I have never shown any violence toward women, and I wasn't going to start.  She wanted me to do it, I think.  That was a trap, a way to play the victim, to blame-shift.  She was on the hunt for justification for her actions, but I wasn't a monster.

I left the house.  I went to HomeFront first.  Pastor Josh met me there.  I was crying.  I told him that I had an out: Jesus himself spoke of sexual immorality as a way out of marriage.  Pastor Josh talked me down from divorce.  "But she doesn't even want to be with me."  He explained that that was not what she had said.  After much prayer I thank Josh and went to leave.  I turned to him and said, "I feel like Job."  What I meant by that wasn't that my situation was the same as Job's.  The first tragedy that happened in my life occurred when I was running the race at my fastest.  Or, was I running the race fast because a tragedy was coming?  I would never curse the Lord but instead come to realize that the trial I walked served a purpose.

Next, I went to be with my mom.  After several hours away from the house I went back home.  I don't remember much about the days that followed.  I remember realizing that God had given me the opportunity to show my wife the grace that I had prayed for.  So, I forgave her.  I remember she moved in with her parents.  I remember I got custody of the kids.  I remember quitting all of my hobbies and things I was doing.  I quit everything except my job (I worked from home).  I was just going to take care of the kids and work.

I quit so many things.  What else could have happened that would have made me quit my life?  I had prayed for more time to make disciples and now all the idols in my life were gone.  I'm not saying God made my wife have an affair; God doesn't make us sin, our own free will is the culprit (James 1:13).  However, if our free will is a fish, God is the water in which we swim.  He can use our evil deeds to bring about good.

All my extracurricular activities had served as a trophy case to my pride:  my poker league, dungeons and dragons, my military service, hockey (both watching and playing), my elected office, and on and on...   The Lord reminded me who I was.  The world looked different to me now.  I had gone through life up to that point with no tragedy.  Now, I had empathy that was not faked or forced.  I could see The Fall in the faces of everyone.  My story was theirs with a different plot twist.

Coincidentally, within a week of this revelation in my marriage I officially became a member of HomeFront Church.  I recall standing in front of everyone during the ceremony with several other new members.  I was an emotional wreck, and I can only imagine what I must have looked like standing up there.  I needed that, though.  I needed a Church family to help me through that mess.  Membership had great meaning to me.  It came at the right time.