The Traitor

For the mind set on the flesh is death, but the mind set on the Spirit is life and peace, because the mind set on the flesh is hostile toward God; for it does not subject itself to the law of God, for it is not even able to do so, and those who are in the flesh cannot please God.

However, you are not in the flesh but in the Spirit, if indeed the Spirit of God dwells in you. But if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, he does not belong to Him. If Christ is in you, though the body is dead because of sin, yet the spirit is alive because of righteousness. But if the Spirit of Him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, He who raised Christ Jesus from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through His Spirit who dwells in you.  -Romans 8:6-11

I have one more opponent to share.  I've mentioned The Enemy and The Fallen World.  But, I am besieged on 3 sides.  I don't understand why I have 3 opponents, and I wish I had none.  One day it will all be made clear why I am so tested.  This last opponent follows me around like a shadow, always siding with temptation.  He chides me to take the easy way out because he's a poser and a selfish dog.  Passed down from Adam, this opponent actually encompasses me.  Some call it the flesh, but I call him The Traitor.  Yes, I've been given a new heart and a new spirit (Ezekiel 36:26) but they are currently trapped inside a body.  The fight against this opponent is not so much a struggle against sin as it is a fight for my true self.  Dear friends, I urge you, as foreigners and exiles, to abstain from sinful desires, which wage war against your soul.  -1 Peter 2:11  I've started winning battles for my true self and it's made me want him more and more.  Let your true self show up!

Paul struggled with The Traitor, too...
For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.  -Romans 7:19-20

When my wife first came home after the affair I was an emotional wreck.  I felt willing to do anything to please her and keep her home.  My affirmation, which had come from God, once again, I felt, had to come from my wife.  If she was happy, I was happy.  If she was upset, I was upset x10.  It was at this stage that I found out she is a pornographer.  I never knew that.  She had hid it well.  I wasn't into porn, I wasn't oblivious to it, but it wasn't an addiction I struggled with.  She suggested we look at porn to learn new things.  She offered the concept of an open marriage.  She also suggested we participate in threesomes.  I was searching for affirmation from my wife, so I agreed.  I told her that yes, we could look at porn together, and yes, we could do threesomes with another girl.  I thank God that we were seeing a counselor.  The counselor set me straight and helped me stand up to my wife.  The threesome never happened - but the pornography did.

The funny thing about counselors is it seems that they can't tell you not to do something.  They have to get you to tell yourself not to do something.  I could see it on her face when we discussed the porn compromise.  I felt somehow that I needed to learn from pornography in order to make my wife happy.  During intimacy, she asked me to do things to her that John had done to her.  My counselor later explained why those things are unsafe and helped me to stand up to her on that front.  But the pornography continued for a while.  Finally, I stood up to her on this front as well.  We made promises to each other that it would stop.  But, like most of her promises, it didn't come true.  She password protected her phone and used it to replace me with porn.

I remember a conversation with my councilor very clearly.  The councilor told me that, "If I was your mother, I would tell you to leave her."  Notice what the councilor did there.  The councilor could not say to me, "Leave your wife," so she put it in the context of a family member.  The councilor went on to say, "But, I think you may be fighting a larger battle here.  A battle you have been called to fight."  Looking back on that conversation I mourn the fact that I lost that battle.  I could not save her.  But truthfully, the important thing was that, once I put God back as #1, I battled for her, not the idol of her or the idea of her, but her true self.  I could see her true self.  The result is not as important as the fact that I stepped up and fought is.  I rose to the occasion, spilled out my blood, and I lost.  With porn there is no fight for the maiden.

The Traitor does not want you to fight for the woman, he wants the easy way out.  I felt like John knew pornography and I didn't.  John took my wife.  With pornography, you get what the woman offers without having to fight for it - and without really getting the woman.  My wife once confessed to me that what she and John were doing was just sex - nothing more.  In fact, once my wife came back home John asked her friend at work to sleep with him.  This was the same week she came home!  He wanted what these women had to offer, and not the woman.  What a coward.  Even as I write this my ex-wife and John are boyfriend / girlfriend.  I get impatient sometimes waiting for their relationship to fail, to become a statistic.  God's timing is perfect and I need to let this impatience go.

After my wife left for good, The Traitor was more persistent than ever.  The Traitor told me I needed to visit her porn sites to become a man.  The problem is, I could no longer call them her sites.  They were becoming mine.  Having a sinful lifestyle decimates your true self.  I found myself skipping my devotionals, reading Scripture less, and helping others through their mud less, too.  The Traitor labeled me a hypocrite, he told me to run from God because God hates me for what I've done.  The Traitor told me to abandon Jen and seek a hedonistic lifestyle, instead.  The truth is that I needed to run to God.  Not a day later, but right away.  My true self needed to show up, face The Traitor head on, and punch him right between the eyes.  When you face The Traitor, run to God, confess your sin, and pray for His help because you can't face The Traitor alone.  Don't just pray once, pray without ceasing.  One day, after prayers did not seem to be getting through, I wrote this letter to God:

Lord, hold me to your path though I constantly rebel.  By your strength keep me in your grasp for I am wholly depraved without you.  Constantly my mind wonders to dark places and I feel like such a pretender.  How amazing is your grace that I, the worst of sinners, should be saved.  I am (The Traitor) a wretch Absolute, oh the power of the blood!  Your grace is enough yet still I mourn my sin.  No matter what I try I still rebel.  Only you can hold me on the path; please pull me back to it always!  Even simple commands I fail.  Help me!  Oh, how you've established me!  You've given me a spacious place, allowed me to have custody of my kids, and set me up with one full of the Spirit (Jen).  Thank you!  A thousand times thank you!  Don't let me throw Jen away.  How foolish am I?  Save me from myself!  Rescue me from these thoughts that compel me!  I would be destroyed within days if not hours if not for your power alone.  I despise my depravity yet can't escape it.  I seek your peace, yet how can I dare ask for anything more?  You can fix me!  You've shut the mouths of lions, parted the sea and stopped the sun in the sky.  You could roll up Heaven and Earth like a scroll.  What am I?  So I humbly ask, Lord, give me peace.  Help me be less depraved.  Save me from myself.  Help me to appreciate all the good you shower on me.  I am a thorn in your crown and I am sorry!  Somehow I have not left you.  Grab me tight and never let me fall from grace.  I deserve to be among the ranks of the lost.  My spirit is weak.  Save me!  Praise your holy and perfect Name.  I am sweetly broken.  Every day you fix me.  Help me not to resist your difficult teaching.  Focus me to my Mission.  I ask these things to bring you glory!  I want to sing your songs again.  Fill me!  Over, under, inside and in between.  I need you.  You called me onto the water, full of faith.  Why do I now see only the storm?  I pray you won't let go!  How easily I sink.  I am exhausted by my sinking.  Lord please remember my prayer and keep saving me.  What was on that tree that I may know such depravity?  Thank God for the tree Jesus was crucified on, for what hung on that tree was even greater!  Who am I?  Remind me or please tell me for the first time!

Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place,  -Ephesians 6:14

As I write this blog entry I am over 40 days free of those Websites my ex-wife showed me.  I remain on my guard against The Traitor, praying without ceasing.  How did I escape?  God laid out the process and gave me the courage to follow it.  First of all I got an Accountability Partner.  No wait, I hate that expression, I enlisted a soldier to battle The Traitor with me:  Jen.  She checks in on me to see how I'm doing.  I need that.  I need to know she's checking in.  She keeps me girded with the Belt of Truth, she keeps me honest and accountable.  The Belt of Truth keeps my purity sealed, holding everything else that I've armed myself with from falling off.  Like I said before, if I give into a sinful lifestyle I'm less likely to do my devotionals and Scripture readings and even less likely to pray.  The Belt of Truth holds all these things in place.  Who in your life can be your battle partner?  A name just came to your mind.  The Traitor right now is telling you not to contact that person.  It's time to let the The Traitor deal with the full weight of your true self.

Secondly, God let me know in a very tangible way that I do not need The Traitor.  He reminded me I've been given a new heart.  Yes, I'm a soul trapped inside a body.  He's armed me with the Breastplate of Righteousness to protect that heart from arrows aimed at both the front and the back.  He showed me that I don't need The Traitor by, for a while, removing my reliance on the physical and focusing me instead on the spiritual.  The more I focus on the spiritual over the physical the stronger the armor that protects my heart becomes.  The Spirit led me to fast.

"When you fast, do not look somber as the hypocrites do, for they disfigure their faces to show others they are fasting. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full.  -Matthew 6:16

Do you notice that Jesus doesn't say "if" you fast, but rather "when"?  Yet, I had never taken part in a fast until recently.  Jesus assumed fasting as a normal part of spiritual life.  When entering into a time of fasting it is important that your motives are in the right place.  Fasting is NOT a way to gain God's favor.  His grace is a free gift.  Rather, fasting helps us gain a clearer focus on the spiritual over the physical (The Traitor).  It is something to be done in private (see the verse above).  Jen was the only person I really talked about my fast with while it was happening.  King David said, "I humble myself through fasting."  (Psalm 69:10).  By relenting the gifts of God and focusing on the Giver Himself you put into perspective how lost you are without Him.  The truth is that I depend more on God than on food.  I need to call on Him for my strength and patience and he will provide.  I can't even breathe without God allowing it, very humbling indeed.  In a fast we give up control and replace it with confidence.

Remember how the Lord your God led you all the way in the wilderness these forty years, to humble and test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep his commands. He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your ancestors had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord.  -Deuteronomy 8:2-3

Consider the great fasts of the Bible.  After Moses fasted he received the Law.  After Jesus fasted for 40 days in the desert he began his 3 year ministry.  After the early Church fasted in the book of Acts Christianity exploded.  Fasting is setting aside something in order to have more time with the creator of the universe - for a purpose.

My 40 day fast began by setting aside lunch and instead reading the Harmony of the Gospels.  This was in order to answer the question, Who Am I?  I intended all along to ramp it up for Easter, to omit food completely for 3 days and 3 nights, the amount of time Jesus was in the grave.  For as Jonah was three days and three nights in the belly of a huge fish, so the Son of Man will be three days and three nights in the heart of the earth. -Matthew 12:40  I know our culture tends to celebrate Good Friday as the date of Jesus' crucifixion but that would mean Matthew 12:40 is a bunch of bologna.  We know that he rose on the 1st day of the week (a Sunday) from Luke 24:1.  Counting backward from that would make it actually Good Wednesday and NOT Good Friday.  Google it sometime and see how Jesus is actually fulfilling His Feast Days.  It's extremely interesting stuff.

So on Wednesday before Easter, at 6:00 PM (Actually the Hebrew Thursday.  Once again Google it!), I began my 3 day 3 night fast that would end on Saturday at 6:00 PM (the Hebrew Sunday).  During this fast I allowed myself 1 meal:  a Jewish Seder meal at my Church.  It was very educational.  Bitter herbs and horse radish never tasted so good!  The last thing I ate during the meal was Communion with the Cup of Redemption.

The next day, our Church was open from Noon until 8 PM with 13 interactive Prayer Stations.  I went through all of them.  Some I connected with more than others.  I recall at one station we had to consider the modern day idols in our lives.  What did we value greater than our relationship with Jesus?  We had to form that idol out of play dough and "leave it behind."  As I held a piece of unshaped play dough in my hand I searched my heart for anything coming between myself and Jesus.  I could not find anything so I put the play dough back.  I don't say this to boast.  If you looked at my life a year or two ago I would have had to make so many idols there would not have been enough play dough at the table.  The station gave me an opportunity to thank God for crashing down my tower.

Later that night I attended a Catholic Tenebrae service with some of my Catholic friends.  At the end of the service, something called "Venerate the Cross" took place.  Everyone took turns walking up to the cross and either kissing it or bowing to it.  The word "Venerate" has a couple synonyms that stand out in my mind:  worship & exalt.  I did not participate.  It's amazing to me what can become an idol in our lives.  Now, I'm not looking to pick a fight with any Catholics reading this.  You are my brothers and sisters in Christ.  I'm sure some participants were approaching this ritual with a mind set on Christ.  But, I dare say MOST were not.  I was extremely uncomfortable watching people bow to one knee at the Cross, putting their hand on it, kissing it, and venerating it.  The only thing we should be venerating is God.  Even the cross can become an idol.  Consider Moses and the bronze snake:

The Lord said to Moses, “Make a snake and put it up on a pole; anyone who is bitten can look at it and live.”  So Moses made a bronze snake and put it up on a pole. Then when anyone was bitten by a snake and looked at the bronze snake, they lived.  -Numbers 21:8-9

Just as Moses lifted up the snake in the wilderness, so the Son of Man must be lifted up, that everyone who believes may have eternal life in him.”  -John 3:14-15

He removed the high places, smashed the sacred stones and cut down the Asherah poles. He broke into pieces the bronze snake Moses had made, for up to that time the Israelites had been burning incense to it. (It was called Nehushtan.)  -2 Kings 18:4

The Israelites had taken a symbol of Jesus and worshiped it!  The Traitor wanted me to make my wife an idol.  Yes, if even the cross can become an idol, so can your wife.  Because my wife was an idol I valued her definition of right and wrong, concerning the flesh, above God's definition.  When Jen and I first started dating I told her that I cannot come between her and God.  Here was a woman living a righteous life.  She had only had one other boyfriend.  I had to let her know up front that God comes first, not me.  Of course, she already knew this.  But, I had to say it.  And, I have to practice it myself.  I must be careful that Jen never becomes an idol to me.

As my fast comes to an end I reflect on what I've learned.  I now appreciate God's gifts more, but also appreciate the Giver most.  At times during the fast I became absent-minded, forgetful, and had trouble doing simple math.  I learned that all of those things do not come automatically, God provides them.  During the fast, since I could not look forward to my next meal, I instead looked forward to the prayer station, Tenebrae, Easter service at Church, time in Scripture, time in prayer - time with Him.  And it filled me.  The Traitor is obsolete in the face of my true self in Christ.

At one of the prayer stations at Church we were asked to spray a small amount of perfume onto a cotton ball.  As the fragrance filled our nostrils we were reminded of the anointing of Jesus (Matthew 26:6-7).  We then spent "a few moments in prayer asking God to reveal what you have to offer Him toward His purpose and honor."  I received an answer:  God wants me to finish this blog, all 33 posts.  For now, that is my Mission.

I don't understand everything.  I'm just a regular guy fighting 3 opponents same as you.  Because of The Traitor, I came extremely close to following my wife down her path.  Sometimes I look back at my escape from my marriage and it looks like a rescue mission.  God also rescued me from my false self.  One day every knee will bow and every tongue will acknowledge (whether they want to or not) that Jesus Christ is Lord (Philippians 2:9-11).  We will then be given new and perfect bodies, and The Traitor will be in the rear view mirror.  Until then, gird yourself with the Belt of Truth and put on the Breastplate of Righteousness because there's so much more to being a man than what The Traitor wants for you.

We grow weary in our present bodies, and we long for the day when we will put on our heavenly bodies like new clothing. For we will not be spirits without bodies, but we will put on new heavenly bodies. Our dying bodies make us groan and sigh, but it's not that we want to die and have no bodies at all. We want to slip into our new bodies so that these dying bodies will be swallowed up by everlasting life. God himself has prepared us for this, and as a guarantee he has given us his Holy Spirit.  -2 Corinthians 5:2-5

The Courage to Battle

The Fallen World puts such a high priority on looks.  During our 6 years of marriage my then wife brought 3 children into the world.  During that time, let's be honest, she was often fat, pimply and even between kids had a suppressed sex drive because of birth control pills.  But none of that mattered to me.  I loved her and thought she was beautiful.  After having James, she got her tubes tide, got back into shape, stopped taking birth control pills, got her sex drive back, and gave all of it to another man.  Not to me, the one who had been by her side all those years.  Not me, the one who had provided for her and had told her how beautiful she was when she was 9 months pregnant.  And to top it off she told me that, "You let your looks go."  You see, when she got her worldly beauty back, she gave it to the world instead of to her husband.  Someone who works with her noted, "She's changed.  She used to talk about her kids and be all about her family."  Welcome to the next opponent:  The Fallen World and its broken systems.

With John in the picture I have new worries to turn into prayers.  This is the man my ex-wife mere months ago said, "is a bad person."  Not my words, hers.  This is the man she alleged to be a felon.  Not my words, hers.  And now he gets weekly access to my kids.  There's nothing I can do about this arrangement other than prayer.  I had to do some careful introspection to make sure I was not Judging.  As Christians we are not to judge, but Matthew 7:1-5 is also a very abused set of verses.  So many times I have seen Christians use it to actually justify sin.  Take a look at verses 6 of that same chapter:

“Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces.  -Matthew 7:6

Sounds a little "judgey" doesn't it?  We are not to condemn others, or be overly critical.  We are however, as Christians, called to use discernment.

But solid food is for the mature, for those who have their powers of discernment trained by constant practice to distinguish good from evil.  -Hebrews 5:14

I had to make sure my concerns about John were not judgmental.  I had some good conversations with my Small Group and a long talk with Pastor Josh.  They shared my same concerns over my kids being around an alleged felon.  Yes, The Fallen World requires our discernment, especially when it comes to our little ones.  For the tougher questions we face it's great to have a circle of advisers.

It has been suggested to me by a friend that I hire a private investigator to alert the company he allegedly laundered from.  That would get him away for the kids for the 5 year prison sentence if he were convicted.  I'm not going to lie, I thought hard about it.  But, it's really not my style.  I have, however, enlisted my prayer warriors.

One of my prayer warriors is Jen.  It's amazing having a strong Christian woman by my side.  She is a source of encouragement and advice.  I can trust her to give me an honest answer to the questions that ail me.  On a side note, she caught the bouquet at Matt and Holly's wedding.  No, we are not rushing into marriage.  I just thought it was pretty cool.  What was even cooler was having a front row seat to the covenant ceremony between two good friends.  The wedding was at HomeFront Church and was officiated by Pastor Josh.  It was an absolute honor to be one of Matt's groomsmen.  When Holly entered in her wedding dress she was beautiful, but Josh and I stole a glance at Matt's expression.  He was awestruck.  I wish them all the best.  They will need it.  Marriage in this Fallen World is very hard.

Matt and Holly chose verses from Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 for their ceremony:

Two are better than one,

    because they have a good return for their labor:

If either of them falls down,

    one can help the other up.

But pity anyone who falls

    and has no one to help them up.

Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.

    But how can one keep warm alone?

Though one may be overpowered,

    two can defend themselves.

A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

I feel the same way about having Jen's support.  She, I and our God make a pretty powerful cord.  My ex-wife and I had been missing that 3rd strand.  Matt and Holly are a prime example of doing marriage the right way with Christ at the center.  If only more marriages in The Fallen World approached the covenant this way.  Marriage and the family are under attack in The Fallen World.  States seek to redefine the marriage sacrament, but, they truly have no authority over the matter.  God alone can make a man and a woman one flesh.  For that matter, God alone can tear that covenant asunder.

While the exact divorce rate is hard to pinpoint it is far too common.  I would dare say that almost everyone's expectation of marriage and family life is vastly different from what comes true.  WARNING:  if your solution to that is to cheat, you may find yourself living with your parents paying half of your check to child support.  I love how marriages magically "have problems" when a spouse meets another person and the grass looks greener on the other side.  Oh, I'm sure he "understood" her.  Maybe he even "cared" about her marriage.  Reality check:  it's not greener, water your lawn.  Otherwise you can look forward to having a talk with your kids about why you can't live with them anymore.  In addition, it would seem that my ex-wife has lost many of her former friends.

Stats on divorce are hard to get exact but here are some numbers from http://affairadvice.wordpress.com/

1. Depending on which sources I found, it’s estimated that only 1%-10% of married men who have affairs end up leaving their spouses and marrying their affair partners (I haven’t found a stat for married women).  I don’t know the validity of these stats, but they feel like they are probably right.

2. Over 75% who marry partners they were in an affair with eventually divorce. (Of course, this isn’t much higher than the divorce rate for any second marriage. Still, it’s sobering).

3.   80% of those who divorce during an affair regret the decision.

So putting that together, it doesn’t look so good. For every 100 people who have an affair, anywhere from 1-10 of them will marry their Affair Partner. Of those, statistics say that 75% will divorce within 5 years. So that means, MAYBE 1-3 out of 100 live “happily ever after” with their affair partner after leaving their spouse.

Before she started sleeping with John our marriage was not perfect but it wasn't bad either.  I recognized that, despite wanting children, she seemed to resist the domestic lifestyle.  If you think your marriage is better right now than mine was before she fell into lust you may be fooling yourself.  Let me assure you that I was blindsided.  When I rededicated my life to my faith, my wife noticed a change in me.  God became the new #1 in my life, not her.  What she failed to recognize, however, was that by me putting God 1st she herself was actually in a better position.  Let me explain.  Whereas before I came to my then wife for my affirmation, I instead came to her with my affirmation.  She lost an element of control over me that I had handed over to God.  She should have recognized the benefit in this, but alas, we live in The Fallen World.  One thing I have said to Jen is that I do not want to come to her for my strength, but rather, come to her with strength.  She likes the sound of that.

Jen is different in other ways from my ex-wife and I need to accept that.  I'm getting better, but sometimes I am hesitant to let Jen help me around the house, specifically with the kids.  I have a fear that the domestic situation will off-put her like it did my ex-wife.  However, the more I let her help me with the kids the more I realize that I am wrong.  She WANTS the domestic family lifestyle.  She DESIRES to be a mom.

At Matt & Holly's wedding, my sister Mindy asked if I would be willing to say the blessing over the meal at her wedding which was a month away.  I agreed.  It moved me that she would think of me for such a task.  This re-dedication to my faith has brought about persecution, too.  I felt it from my then wife, and I feel it from some I once called close friends.  At times I feel hated by The Fallen World.  Paul warned us about this.  Indeed, all who desire to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted,  -2 Timothy 3:12  But, I am a changed man thanks to the Holy Spirit and it encourages me to know that those around me notice the change.

Jordan's (my now brother-in-law's) bachelor party was an all-day event including pool, dinner, and hopping around to local breweries.  It was fun even though I only knew a few people.  The party's last stop was my house.  We arrived around 10 PM.  The party kept going and going.  I made it a priority to keep people fed, entertained, and mix their drinks at the bar.  As the night wore on I began to wear out.  I snuck away to my room for about 20 minutes.  This must have been around 3 AM.  I spent some time in prayer.  "Lord, what are all these people doing in the house?  Is there something you need me to do?"

Soon after my time of prayer the party began to wind down.  The last of the guys either left or fell asleep in my house, except for myself and one other person.  He noticed the things around my house and conjectured that I was a man of faith.  He opened up to me, sharing questions about his walk with Christ, and telling me about some bad experiences at his Church growing up.  He shared about his long distance relationship with his dad and how he had assumed the role of 'man of the house.'  He had been cheated on by his girl, too, but was now with someone else.  He kept accidentally swearing and then apologizing to me.  I told him that it's all right.  I did appreciate that he recognized my "salt & light" (Matthew 5:13-16).  I wanted to hear about his walk with Christ.

We talked about the story of Abraham and Isaac.  He had a hard time accepting that story.  I took the opportunity to share my feelings about the Old Testament, and that story in particular, and how everything in the Old Testament points toward the cross, and everything after the gospels points back to the cross.  Some Bible scholars think that Jesus was crucified on the same hill Abraham took Isaac.  God had promised to make Abraham's offspring as numerous as the stars in the sky.

The angel of the Lord called to Abraham from heaven a second time and said, “I swear by myself, declares the Lord, that because you have done this and have not withheld your son, your only son, I will surely bless you and make your descendants as numerous as the stars in the sky and as the sand on the seashore. Your descendants will take possession of the cities of their enemies, and through your offspring all nations on earth will be blessed, because you have obeyed me.”  -Genesis 22:15-18

And then what happens?  The Jewish people form a nation out of Abraham's descendants.  And, out of those numerous stars, a single star appears.

When they saw the star, they were overjoyed. On coming to the house, they saw the child with his mother Mary, and they bowed down and worshiped him. Then they opened their treasures and presented him with gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh.  -Matthew 2:10-11

Yes, Abraham thought he would have to sacrifice his only son.  But he didn't.  God provided the offering.

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.  -John 3:16

He had never thought of the story in terms of Jesus and it changed his whole opinion on it.  To make a difference in this Fallen World we must wear our Helmet of Salvation (Ephesians 6:17).  We are saved because of who we know.  Our knowledge of God can help reach others.  We must exercise our spirituality like we would exercise our physical body, in fact more so.

For physical training is of some value, but godliness has value for all things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come.  -1 Timothy 4:8

I did not get to sleep until 6:45 AM that night / morning, but it was worth it.  I appreciate when God gives me assignments.  Don't miss them!

I recall recently being at a funeral.  Someone from Church had a father pass away.  As I was talking to her before the funeral she pointed out her son that she had not seen in years due to a falling out.  Her son had come to the funeral to pay his respects to his fallen grandpa.  Later, after the funeral, he had went outside.  She expressed a desire to go and talk with her son.  I offered, "Do you want me to have your back?"  "Yes," she said very emphatically.  Long story short I was standing in the parking lot next to a mother and her son holding each other in tears.  Don't miss these opportunities.

At my sister Mindy's wedding I felt a slew of emotions that had escaped me during Matt and Holly's wedding.  I'm not sure why, but I felt a sadness.  Sometimes we can't really explain why certain emotions sneak up on us.  My two daughters, Josie and Brynn, were flower girls in the wedding and they were absolutely beautiful.  After the ceremony their mother came and picked them up.  For some reason it was extra hard to see her that day.  At the reception I found myself excusing myself and walking around outside.  I almost missed the wedding party entrance because I was off in prayer.  When it came time to do the blessing over the meal, the microphone was handed to me.  The most experience I had ever had with this type of prayer was over the dinner table, but this prayer was in front of over one hundred people.

After I finished I was surprised by the amount of people that came up and said that they thought the prayer was very well done.  I don't know, maybe that's normal after people give the blessing but I had never experienced it.  I give thanks to the Holy Spirit.  It meant a lot that my sister had asked me to do it.

On the day of my sister's wedding Jen was a bridesmaid in another wedding.  I snuck over to see her.

and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace.  -Ephesians 6:15

If we are to make a difference in this Fallen World, it won't be enough to just wear our Helmet of Salvation.  We must get out and use it.  Fit your feet with the Shoes of Readiness and share the gospel.  This is not an option.  Christ commanded it in the Great Commission (notice it's not called the Great Suggestion).

Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit,  -Matthew 28:19

Not everyone in the Fallen World will want to hear your message.  If they don't want to hear it shake the dust off your sandals and find someone that's ready to accept the good news.  However, never stop praying for those who do not accept it.

So now you know 2 of our 3 opponents.  You have the Sword of the Spirit and the Shield of Faith to stave off The Enemy.  You've added the Helmet of Salvation and the Shoes of Readiness to impact The Fallen World.  Know who the battle is against and fight accordingly and courageously.  You know what I think is one of the most misused Bible verses in Scripture?  Check it out:

But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also.  -Matthew 5:39

Notice that Jesus tells us to offer the other cheek once more and not forever.  Let's reason this.  Is the same God that empowered Samson to kill 1000 men with the jawbone of a donkey (Judges 5:16), who created a whip to straighten out the Temple court (John 2:15), who gave us the green light to strike dead someone breaking into our house at night (Exodus 22:2) - that God, commanding us to be push-overs?  No.  When my then wife returned for 5 months there were times that I stood up to her like never before.  I told her, "Don't talk to me like that," and "You can't say that to me anymore."  It felt right to stand up for myself - finally.  It felt like I had taken back some level of control she had stolen from me.  When you're facing The Fallen World be ready to use discernment, rely on prayer, have a circle of advisers, have a knowledge of Scripture, defend truth, and LOOK FOR OPPORTUNITIES.  During the battle don't forget to get your affirmation from God and not the world.  If you have time read the entirety of Romans Chapter 1 to see what you're up against.  Be courageous because you have Someone inside you who has overcome the world.

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."  -John 16:33

"Courage is being scared to death... and saddling up anyway."
-John Wayne

"Every man dies, not every man really lives."
-William Wallace

"Whatever you do, you need courage. Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising that tempt you to believe your critics are right. To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires some of the same courage that a soldier needs. Peace has its victories, but it takes brave men and women to win them."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Who Am I?

Here I am adventuring out on the frozen surface of Lake Michigan.

I have chosen between two paths: I chose divorce.  God made clear to me that there was no wrong answer in either choice.  The Enemy prowls around like a lion, ready to devour me with his lies.  He'll whisper, "You chose the wrong path!"  The truth is that I'm NOT off the path God has laid before me.  The truth is that I need to embrace this new path!  I need to own it!

When I say The Enemy I am not necessarily speaking of Satan.  Satan is not omnipresent.  It could be Satan that whispers in my ear, but more than likely it is one of his fallen angels.  I'm not speaking of audible voices, but rather a sense of doubt.  I have no doubt there is a spiritual battle being waged behind the scenes in all of our lives.  Lest you think there are no more battles to be fought, think again!  There is an enemy and he looks for opportunities to strike.

Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.  -1 Peter 5:8

Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.  -James 4:7

Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.  -Ephesians 6:11-12

But God sends his good angels to help:
And Elisha prayed, "Open his eyes, LORD, so that he may see." Then the LORD opened the servant's eyes, and he looked and saw the hills full of horses and chariots of fire all around Elisha.  -2 Kings 6:17

What would we see if God opened our eyes to the spiritual battle raging around us?

There are days when negative thoughts dominate my head.  I try many things to defeat them.  I turn to prayer, the Word, to focusing on the beautiful (Philippians 4:8).  The battle rages on.  If there were a switch I could flip to stop all bitterness and sorrow, I would have long since flipped it.  This is my battle.  What is yours?

Whatever it is, know that you are not alone if you built your faith on a firm foundation (Matthew 7:24-27).  We cannot escape life's storms but we must stand firm.  If I had not had a firm foundation when my storm hit I would surely be in a far worse situation; I shudder to think to what extent.

One way I have found to win the battle is to avoid my ex-wife as much as possible.  Now, I say "as much as possible" because we have 3 beautiful kids together.  But, that doesn't mean we need linger when exchanging the kids.  We may have to attend conferences together, for example, but that doesn't mean we are around each other unnecessarily.  Times that I am near my ex-wife are times that I am most vulnerable to The Enemy's whispers.  I forgive her.  That does not mean I want to see her or be around her for any longer than I have to.  I have learned to not make eye contact with her.  This is what "I love you" but "I don't like you" feels like.  It's not pleasant.  But, she started texting me at night, asking how my relationship with Jen is going.  No.  I had to be rude.  We do not text each other unless it has to do with pertinent issues concerning the children.  I can only guess at her intentions in asking such a question.  I need distance to heal.  Forgiveness does not mean we put ourselves in vulnerable positions.  We can still forgive others while protecting ourselves from getting hurt.  Not long after those text messages she officially started dating John.  I have no doubt she is very lonely.

However your new relationship with your ex is defined it is important to never interfere with their relationship with the kids.  It's important to set boundaries for your relationship with your ex, but the kids must be carefully protected to ensure a healthy relationship with both the custodial and non-custodial parent.  In other words:  always be the bigger person.  But please, do not confuse this with having a relationship with no boundaries with your ex.  For example, I had to be firm in defining what were appropriate and unnecessary text messages.  Needless text chatter seriously interferes with the healing process.

I am at a transition in my life.  I had been one flesh with my wife (whether she believes it or not).  Now, by the power of God alone, I am no longer one flesh with her.  It's a great mystery.  In a previous blog post I had shown a picture representing my 3 covenants.  Now, only 1 remains:  my promise in Christ.  I am divorced and honorably discharged from military service.

I began to ask myself, "Who am I?"  So, on Ash Wednesday, I began a 40 day fast.  I gave up lunch each day and used that time instead to begin a Harmony of the Gospels.  A Harmony of the Gospels is a daily reading plan that takes you through the gospels.  Any events that appear in multiple gospels are read on the same day.  Each day before my reading I prayed that the Holy Spirit would guide me through His word and answer the question, "Who am I in Christ?"  After each reading I reflected on this question.

I need to be intentional about answering this question.  I need to be intentional because The Enemy seeks to answer it for me.  "Mike, you're a failure.  You were a bad husband.  There is no God.  There is no justice.  You waste your time.  You're a good looking guy, you should be out sleeping around like she did.  She's right.  She has it figured out."  You see, The Enemy knows my greatest fear:  that my ex-wife is right.  That it's okay to lie and cheat and live a hedonistic lifestyle, that there's no God at all.  How many of us file through life believing the Father of Lies?

I face 3 opponents.  One is the The Enemy and the other 2 I will touch on in my next 2 posts.  I feel lately like I am besieged by these 3 opponents on all sides.  When battling these 3 opponents it helps to realize which one of the 3 I'm up against.  Knowing my opponent helps me battle that opponent with the correct tool.  How did Jesus combat the devil when he was being tempted in the wilderness?  He quoted scripture (Luke 4:1-13).  I must use the Sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God (Ephesians 6:17).

Jen is very helpful in pointing me toward truth about myself from God's word.  From time to time she sends me verses pertaining to who I am in Christ.  If you are a child of Christ, these things apply to YOU, too!  Isn't this amazing?

I am Redeemed to perfect alignment with God.

In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace  -Ephesians 1:7

And through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether on earth or in heaven, making peace by the blood of his cross. And you, who once were alienated and hostile in mind, doing evil deeds, he has now reconciled in his body of flesh by his death, in order to present you holy and blameless and above reproach before him,  -Colossians 1:20-22

I have a reason to be.

But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light.  -1 Peter 2:9

Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.  -Colossians 3:12

I am rooted and grounded in God's love.

For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge--that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.  -Ephesians 3:14-21

I have access to the peace of Christ within me.

Now may the Lord of peace Himself continually grant you peace in every circumstance. The Lord be with you all!  -2 Thessalonians 3:16

"Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives, do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful.  -John 14:27

"These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world."  -John 16:33

When The Enemy whispers his lies I can defeat him with the words above.  In one hand we must hold the Sword of the Spirit, and in the other the Shield of Faith to protect against doubt.  Let The Enemy's lies (flaming arrows) hit the shield instead of your heart.  I don't always see a way out of this brokenness I feel.  Having faith means that I hang onto His Name and trust Him.  The Enemy wants me to doubt God's power and let go of His promises.

In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one.  -Ephesians 6:16

Some of us are called to be evangelists, some teachers, others apostles or pastors.  Some are prophets.  When we think of prophets we sometimes automatically assume people that can see the future.  The prophets in the Bible were chosen to deliver God's message.  Their job isn't always to see the future, but to make us uncomfortable, to deliver a message without sugar coating it.  I think I identify most with the prophets.  The prophets were not popular.  At times they must have felt pretty broken, holding onto their Shield of Faith in the midst of heartache.  Remember Elijah?

while he himself went a day’s journey into the wilderness. He came to a broom bush, sat down under it and prayed that he might die. “I have had enough, Lord,” he said. “Take my life; I am no better than my ancestors.”  -1 Kings 19:4-8

James reminds us in James 5:17 that "Elijah was a human being, even as we are."  God constantly uses flawed, ordinary people just like you and I to accomplish His purposes.

I'm an ordinary man.  I'm flawed.  I've been redeemed.  I'm loved by God.  I have a purpose.  I have a broken heart but it's still beating.  I have access to Christ for everything I need.  I have the promise that one day all my tears will be wiped away.

He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death' or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."  -Revelation 21:4

As for The Enemy...  I've read the last page of the Bible.  He loses.

The Noble Woman

She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.  She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue.  She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness.  Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Honor her for all that her hands have done, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.  -Proverbs 31:25-27, 30-31

Jen and I snow boarding

It's beautiful how God uses people to help people.  Jen and I met awhile back at a house warming party.  We did not know each other then but got to know each other better by hanging out on Tuesday nights during my ex-wife's visitation with the kids.  We had mutual friends that got together each Tuesday to do everything from pot luck dinners to movie nights.  I had not considered dating Jen until I received some prodding from the folks within the group, including Natalie.  Imagine if I had never gotten that request to help Natalie and John move?  It amazes me how things are set in motion long before their time.

I decided that I wanted to date Jen well before she decided to take a chance on me.  But, when the decision was made, she was all-in right away.  I remember when we became official I told her, "I can never come before you and God."  I need to approach the relationship the same way myself.

Too soon, right?  Well, the truth is that I've hardly been single since high school.  Some people are like that and I'm one of them.  Besides, this girl is too awesome to pass up.  She's one of the most Christ-centered people I've ever met.  She is into the outdoors including skiing, snowboarding, camping and SCUBA diving.  She uses her talent at skiing to help those with handicaps ski.  She's been on mission trips to places like Nicaragua, Bulgaria, Romania, Kenya and Turkey.  She is great with kids (as my 3 will attest) and even mentors at-risk youth.  She works for Auto Owner's Insurance programming computer interfaces in their actuary department.  She plain and simple treats me better.  She is not the typical girl I have gone after in the past but I have matured since I was last single 9 years ago.  Besides, cute geeks are hard to come by!  What a difference it makes to be in a relationship with someone who treats you well.

Snowshoeing on Christmas Eve

Our first date alone was on Christmas Eve.  We went snowshoeing down Kent Trails.  The weather could not have been more perfect.  The sun was shining yet a fresh coat of snow covered everything.  As we stepped along, I recalled my conversation with the Creator of the Universe that had happened on the same path.  On that day, He had told me to "Slow."  It was worth the wait and the suffering.  I led her off the trail and into the woods.  Putting down a towel on a log I pulled out my Bible.  Together we took turns reading the Christmas story.  I gave her a Christmas present:  a "Tenth Avenue North" CD (she had discovered that she really liked that band while reading this blog) and a gift card to her favorite restaurant.  We attended a candlelit service at HomeFront Church and later that night we went out to eat.  We dined overlooking the restaurant's kitchen.  It's amazing how much free food you get when you sit there!  The night ended with a Midnight Mass (one of our Catholic friends was singing in the choir).  It was a very memorable day to say the least.

Compare this picture of Kent Trails to the one in the post entitled "A Conversation With the Creator of the Universe."
Michigan has such beautiful seasons.

Compare this picture of Buck Creek to the one in the post entitled "The Flood."
It's amazing how things can change into something so different yet in a lot of ways be exactly the same, too.

Jen recently turned 30 and has been single for 8 years.  During that time she prayed good things for me, even though she had never met me.  Before I found out that my wife cheated on me, I was loving everyone put in front of me.  After I found out about the cheating, loving everyone became very hard.  God is using Jen's spiritual gifts (empathy, compassion, trust, faith, honesty) to help me get that feeling back.  I can't be about my Mission, whatever that might be, until my bitterness is gone.  Thank you God!  I'm a blessed man.

Another factor that contributing to getting back to my old self was finally forgiving my ex-wife for the effect her decisions have had on the kids.  This was a hard one.  It is one thing to forgive someone a wrong against yourself, but a wrong against your kids?  One night, when my ex-wife was about to leave my house after visitation, Brynn kept running out of her room crying for mommy to stay.  This always upset me to see Brynn so hurt.  It had always made me mad at my ex-wife.  This time, I remembered grace, and told my ex-wife that I forgave her this last piece, even in the midst of it happening.  My ex-wife rarely cries and has never been moved by Brynn's tears at her leaving.  But, I saw my ex-wife's eyes water when I forgave her.

One of the worst parts about being cheated on are the judges.  "Oh, you're divorced?  What did you do to deserve your wife having sex with another man?  Let's gossip about you behind your back."  These too are opportunities to show grace and love.

I had to ask my ex-wife's forgiveness, too.  God taught me the meaning of grace but that doesn't mean I always showed it.  I wish forgiveness was a switch I could flip.  The grace I did give was extremely hard, extremely real, and extremely happened.  Alas, I did not always choose to show grace to my ex-wife over the last year.  Even if those moments are short, they are remembered.  So, one day, I apologized for that.  I told her I love her, and I pray good things for her every day, and that I'm sorry for those times I did not show grace.  She told me, "It worked out for the best because you have strong convictions in your faith and I don't."  Ugh.  She had many reasons for cheating, but THAT seems to emerge as the biggest reason.  My faith.  My Christianity.  Sometimes I wonder to myself, "What if I had given up Christ to follow her down her path?  Would that have saved my marriage?"  It would not have been a good marriage, not without that firm foundation.  I will choose God every time.  I pray one day she, too, will return to Him.

One thing I love about Jen (and there are many things) is that she does not try to control me.  I'm not used to that.  What I find so absurd is that my ex-wife claims that I tried to control her.  This came up in counseling.  The only problem is that I had specific examples of how she controlled me and she had no examples of how I controlled her.  Yes, I wanted to see why her phone was locked.  But, in 9 years of being with her, I NEVER had an inkling to see her phone, not until I knew, in those last months, that she was once again using it to betray me.  And as it turned out, I was right.  I'm intuitive that way.  She was breaking a promise and feeding an addiction with it.  Jen offered me her cell phone password.  I didn't even want to know it.  It was kind of her to offer, but I'll pass.  When my ex-wife came back the last time, she demanded to see all my Facebook chats with any girls.  I obliged.  I let her look through it.  One time I went into Meijer and she waited in the van with my phone which was charging.  As I walked back to the van I saw her scrolling through and reading my text messages.  Unlike her, though, I had nothing to hide.  Even in the beginning of our relationship she was like this.  I remember her sneaking onto my computer to look through my photo albums at pictures of my old girlfriends.  She hid that activity from me but later admitted to it.

Jen is honest with me, she does not use lies to manipulate me.  She does not give me false promises in an attempt to control my current feelings.  Over the years I had grown to resent my then wife and I never really knew why.  Our counselor helped me realize where the resentment came from.  So many of my then wife's promises had not come true over the years, both big and small, that eventually I came to expect lies more than truth.  Then, anytime she broke a promise, I would lump all the times she ever broke a promise onto that one situation.  It built up and built up until there was a pile of resentment.  This contributed to us drifting apart.  If we had known sooner we could have addressed it.  But, even when it was made clear in counseling, the false promises did not stop.  They still piled up.  To anyone reading this that might say, "Well, that's just the way she is.  That's her personality," I would argue that it is a personality flaw.  It's hurtful and manipulative.  It wrecks relationships over time, even if you're married to the most understanding person in the world.  A lack of follow-through isn't who you are, it is something to overcome, not something to enable.

Jen has said that she doesn't want to be someone that tries to change who I am.  That is so refreshing.  When my ex-wife came back, she said my appearance needed to change.  She took me shopping and picked out clothes for me to buy.  She changed my wardrobe, picked out a new pair of glasses for me to wear, and pointed at a large poster and said, "You should do your facial hair like that guy," and I did what she asked.  I did it all because I wasn't in the right state of mind.  She even made me do things during intimacy that John had done to her.  Don't let anyone control you like this.  It's not healthy, and it will mentally wreck you.  Find someone who accepts you for who you are.  On top of that, she condemned my A-Type personality.  But this is who God made me.  To all my fellow A-Types (which includes my daughter Josie), you are beautiful just the way you are!

My ex-wife even tried forcing her beliefs on me.  Never did I consider putting a Jesus bumper sticker on our vehicles - my wife was not a believer and we shared those vehicles.  However, without consulting me, my then wife ordered an anti-Christianity bumper sticker to put on our car that we both drive.  Our counselor tried to get her to acknowledge that this was wrong to do to me.  But, she is very stubborn.  Never force your significant other to violate their conscience.  Don't settle for someone who wants to change you into something you are not.

I do pray for my ex-wife a lot, it's a great way to turn bitter thoughts into something good and refreshing.  That Day is still coming for my wife, with or without me.  Either she will spend a horrible eternity separated from God or she will be my sister in Christ.  I approach my interactions with her as if one day she will be my sister.  I remember the option God gave me, to choose my own path (I recall how David was given choices in 2 Samuel 24, though much harder ones than I).  God has only spoken to me on a couple of occasions.  Before I even knew who Jen was God had told me there was someone out there full of the Spirit waiting for me.  I had the option to stay with my wife and live in misery or leave and find the one promised.  I think back to that choice and wonder what motivated me.  I confessed to Jen, "I feel so selfish."  She asked me why and I told her, "She [my wife] needed me but I needed you."  After a long pause Jen said, "But a marriage takes two."  I love that Jen talks to me, listens, and is kind.  It's an amazing feeling when you have gone without that communication for so long.

I'm not kidding myself into thinking any future relationship will be perfect; if I believed that I would be setting myself up for failure.  But, having gone through the mud of the last year, I do have a few new items in my tool box:  knowledge of agape love, a better understanding of grace, and a higher regard for a strong moral foundation.

In the past year so many Christian artists have helped me with their music.  I've shared a lot of those songs on my blog.  Jen and I had the pleasure of attending Winter Jam, a Christian Concert at Van Andel Arena.  There were over 10 different artists, including my favorite "Tenth Avenue North."  It was a great night with friends praising the Lord and singing songs like Worn and By Your Side.  While waiting in line, the married couple "Love & the Outcome" walked up to our spot in line and told their story.  They even played their song He is With Us.  Thank God that He is with us.  I don't know how those without Christ get through years like the one I had in 2013.  On New Year's Eve Jen and I bid farewell to this past year and looked forward to the promise of a brand new, unused year.  2013 was easily the worst year of my life, yet also the year I grew most spiritually.  I will continue to trust Him into 2014.

Jen and I waiting in line at Winter Jam.  "Love & the Outcome" tells their story in the background.

It's All For Him

And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or wife or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life.  -Matthew 19:29

My new life is starting, the life where my ex-wife is not one flesh with me.  I truly gave up my wife to be closer to Him.  In her Match.com profile she says she is looking for an atheist.  She tells me I need to find a Christian woman, someone that won't scoff at my lifestyle.  She's right, and if I had the choice between being the hurter or the hurtee, I would choose the hurtee every time.

Due to some complications with the divorce (The court dismissed my case saying that she was never served divorce papers.  However, she was served.  The court lost the documents.). I had to appear before a judge to have the case reinstated.  So, at 8:30 AM I sat down in a court room with many others and waited to appear before the judge.  Those with lawyers went before those without (since lawyers charge by the hour).  I watched case after dysfunctional case.  My case was one of the last to be heard since I represented myself.  I had a front row seat to our broken world.  As the noon hour came and went, I think most people would have complained to themselves at having to waste their whole morning.  But, it gave me perspective.  I have the best baby daddy situation I've ever heard of.  I got the kids, the house, most of the possessions, the child support.  My ex-wife just walked away and things are mostly civil.  I didn't even need to pay a lawyer.  I have no doubt in my mind that my heavenly Father is watching out for me; He has given me a spacious place.  My case was at last called and I whispered a silent prayer as I stood, "God, hold me."  I approached the judge.  I won my case and the divorce was put back on track.

How abundant are the good things
    that you have stored up for those who fear you,
that you bestow in the sight of all,
    on those who take refuge in you.
    -Psalm 31:19

Sometimes I have trouble saying "Your will be done," when I pray because of what those types of prayers have done to my life.  I'm such a fool when I think this way.  Even now He gives me glimpses of what He prepares for me.  Each tear shed along the journey will have been worth it.  Times I have doubted "His will be done" will be hilarious.  I will look back at my suffering with a wide smile, I have no doubt.  It's just that it can be hard when you're in the moment and your world seems chaotic.

Money is tight, even with child support.  I turned my worry into prayer.  Isn't God amazing?  Why is He so good to me?

Meanwhile, my ex-wife was involved in a car accident.  She is fine but her car has about $4000 worth of damage to it.  One of the ways I hold out hope that she would come to Christ is through crisis (or through her kids leading her).  She has not hit rock bottom yet, but knowing what I know about the choices she continues to make, I think she is heading for it rapidly.  We make choices in life and those choices make us.  We make our bed and we have to sleep in it.  How she acted those first 2 weeks after she came back, that was how it was supposed to be.  I didn't give up on that version of "us"; she did.  I can't be held responsible for what she has become instead.  Pray for her.

If I'm not careful I can dwell too much on her mistakes.  Bitterness can make you miss moments in life.  I took an hour break in my hot tub and at the end of the hour I realized I had been absent the whole time, a prisoner to thoughts that were no longer my problem.  I had about 1 minute total, at the end, where I heard and felt the cool rain drops that night.  I have since figured out a way NOT to dwell on her mistakes.  Instead, I refocus my thoughts on myself and how I can avoid falling into the same sin.  What can I learn and how can I apply this to my own life?  I can't change her I can only change myself.

I came home one night and felt a little down. My ex-wife was at the house putting the kids to bed (she has visitation on Tuesdays & Thursdays). I was in the kitchen and Brynn, my 3 year old, came running up to me, "Daddy, God loves you." I knelt down and told her that God loves her, too. She went back to her room and a little while later she ran back up to me, "Daddy, God is always with you." This is something that she was taught in our new children's ministry at HomeFront and a concept we are focusing on at home. My ex-wife watched all of this. Brynn walked up to her and said, "Mommy, God loves you." What a smart kid, I thought to myself. I found out later that Brynn had also asked mommy to pray with her. Apparently my 3 year old took my ex-wife by the hand and the 3 year old did the praying. I wish I could have listened to it because I have never heard Brynn pray before. I don't know what kind of effect this has on my ex-wife, or if one day it will change her heart, but I know that my Brynn gave me hope that anything is possible.

I mentioned that I had dedicated my house to God with my small group.  All these things that I keep in the divorce, they are all on loan.  They are not mine, they are His.  Even my children.  The time approached to dedicate to raising the kids in a Christ-centered home.  I had previously signed up to have the kids dedicated at Church, but the week before the ceremony I found out that my then wife had rejected Christ for atheism.  I did not feel right dedicating them at that time because a house divided cannot stand.  Now, she is gone.

Sometimes I will secretly watch one of the kids playing.  They are so innocent and sweet.  I wonder what kind of effect the divorce will have on them.  I get really sad knowing that they have already had a taste of hardship.  My ex-wife's decisions have had a negative effect on the kids.  I have forgiven her the affair, I have forgiven her the abandonment, I have forgiven her the financial waste.  I need to forgive her for what she has done to the three children.  This is a hard one.  I never thought I'd be a single dad raising a 5, 3, and 1 year old.  I don't think anyone would deny I have been dealt an awful hand.  My test will be how I play that hand.

It's a massive responsibility to live my life in such a way that my kids choose Christ instead of the morally relative ways of their mother.  So many in the world today shape God into their own image rather than acknowledge the truth that they were made in His image.  Even "Christians" can be guilty of doing this, rejecting certain portions of the scripture because they don't agree with His ways.  But His ways are higher than mine, and my children must understand this, too.  I've heard it said that a child's understanding of God comes from the personality of their father.  I'm not sure how much truth to put into that theory, but just in case I must guard my every action and word.

As the child dedication approached, I sat down with Pastor Josh to go over the details.  We were to go up on stage before our Church family where Josh would read a letter that I had written to the kids.  I would then declare that I had accepted Jesus Christ as my savior and declare that I would raise the kids in a Christ-centered home.  The Church family would then declare their support and Josh would pray over us.  Josh told me he had no reservations about this dedication.  He told me that I have more faith than many families with two parents.  I needed to hear that.  Sometimes this walk can be so hard and we constantly wonder if we are walking it as we should.

Below is the video of the Child Dedication.  The kids seemed to have a good time up on stage.


Moving ahead in my new life, I sometimes find myself worrying.  The Bible gives us many instances of sound theology about how and why we are not to worry.  That's all well and good when we have our Bibles open listening to a sermon in Church.  But what about when your wife, the mother of your three children, cheats on you?  What then?  What about when you pour your heart into reconciliation, but she does not?  What then?  I would like to think I have that all figured out but the truth is that God is still working on me.  I'm seeking first His Kingdom and I must trust that everything else will be added to me.  There is only one type of person that need worry in this life:  a person without Christ.

On the day of my divorce, worry reared its ugly head when I seemingly lost the paper work hours before I was to appear in court.  I remembered the end of Matthew chapter 6 as I scrambled around the house.  I was a parabola of worry and faith.  First would enter into my head thoughts like, "How could I be so stupid?" followed by thoughts of "God is in control.  Lord, I place this problem in your hands." followed by "Why isn't it where it's supposed to be?!" followed by "It's okay.  Even if the divorce doesn't happen today, His will be done."  Suddenly, the location of the paperwork sprang into my mind and I retrieved it.

The day of my divorce felt like my anti-wedding.  The gravity of the situation set in.  It felt dark.  What had started with a priest would end with a judge.  Once again I prayed, "God, hold me."

At the court house I sat waiting outside the judge's courtroom.  Time passed and more people began showing up and waiting.  In fact, things seemed to be running behind.  The court room was 20 minutes late from opening.  Like a flash of lightning I stood up, realizing something was wrong.  I asked the other folks if they were waiting for the same courtroom to open.  They were not.  I left the 6th flood and went down the elevator to the 1st flood to consult the map and find out where the clerk was located.  The clerk was on the 2nd floor so I went there next.  She explained that my case was being refereed on the 4th floor.  I went there and entered the courtroom just as the last case was being heard.  I checked in.  If I had been 3 minutes later the courtroom would have adjourned and I would have had to reschedule.  But that didn't happen.  God held me.  He guided me and would not let me screw it up.

From there, the divorce was finalized.  I am unyoked.  My new life is all for Him.

The Folly of the Fool

The wisest of women builds her house, but folly with her own hands tears it down.  -Proverbs 14:1

I recently listened to a devotional by Chuck Swindoll that spoke directly to me.  'Fool' is a term we do not use much these days.  However, the Bible has a lot to say about the fool.  A whole lot.  The Bible shoots straight with its truth, calling a spade a spade.  Please, take a listen to a small portion of what scripture says about the fool and see if it can be applied to fools in your own life, or maybe, if you're open to being challenged, even to yourself.





I have been called a fool - by my own wife - because of my belief in Christianity.  How ironic that the Bible tends to associate the word 'fool' with the non-believer.  The fool says in his heart, “There is no God.” They are corrupt, doing abominable iniquity; there is none who does good.  -Psalm 53:1

To quote the great theologian Mr. T, "I pity the fool."  A fool has to live with who they are.  That is why I think Chuck was right in his interpretation when he suggests that isolation is the best medicine for the fool.  The fool harms many people in their wake, none more so than themselves.  But let's not underscore the hurt caused to others by the fool.  One person's selfish decisions can ruin so many lives so deeply.  If you currently reside in the wake of a fool, perhaps you spend your nights wondering when they will come home and what they are out doing and with whom.  Maybe you wonder why you are kept from going along with them.  Isolate the fool and those nights are no longer your problem.  Leave the presence of a fool, for there you do not meet words of knowledge.  -Proverbs 14:7

To free yourself from the inner prison of the fool, you must forgive them.  Forgiveness does not mean you keep being the victim.  Fools will try to convince you that you are playing the victim when in fact you are the victim of their folly.  Forgiveness means you let go of bitterness, you pray for them, you accept their repentance (if it ever comes), and you don't count their mistakes against them.  Forgiveness does not mean trusting future behavior.  If the fool continues to live a life of hurtful folly, forgive them 7 times 70 times, but isolate them.  Unyoke and be free of the fool.  They cannot be reasoned with.  Your wise words mean nothing to the fool.  The wise lay up knowledge, but the mouth of a fool brings ruin near.  -Proverbs 10:14

I feel like a fool for putting up with the folly for so long.  I remember how 2 different groups of friends warned me that my then wife's relationship with one of her girl friends seemed inappropriate.  I should have listened to them.  Her friend was one of the first people she publicly made out with after I got myself out of the situation for good.  Who knows what went on when they hung out so late each week?  It's not worth wondering.  Just let it go.  hand this man over to Satan for the destruction of the flesh, so that his spirit may be saved on the day of the Lord.  -1 Corinthians 5:5

Fools bring folly down on themselves, digging themselves deeper and deeper into the pit.  What have the fools in your life done to themselves?  Perhaps they have lost just about everything.  The Play Boy lifestyle that the fool seeks suddenly becomes impossible due to their own bad decisions, for the ways of the world promise freedom but true freedom can only come through Christ Jesus.  Calamity plagues them.  Let the story of the fool be a cautionary tale.  But, sometimes hitting rock bottom may be the best thing for a fool, for only then will they consider calling out to God to be placed instead on a firm foundation.  He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.  -Psalm 40:2-3

Beware the mouth of a fool.  Out of it comes all sorts of profanity and nonsense.  Protect your little ones from the tongue of the fool, lest they use those words in their vocabulary.  The tongue of the wise commends knowledge, but the mouths of fools pour out folly.  -Proverbs 15:2  Watch out, criticisms of how children are treated are counted against you by the fool; the fool will tell you that you're too critical and will seek retribution.  Compare the fool to the non fool and you will see a contrast in character.  The fool's profanity is not limited to swearing, but also to sexually immoral innuendos.  As Christians we must be careful what we stand for and stand by.  Unbelievers are watching us, waiting to call us hypocrites.  If I stand for sin, I pray my Christian brothers and sisters will correct me in all meekness that my life will bear fruit for my kids so that they may know Christ.

The fool admires them self in the mirror, thinking how much fun it would be to abandon the domestic lifestyle of the family, to instead put this worldly beauty on display to be chased.  "I'm so hot," they think.  Sadly, the world will swallow them up and spit them out.  Like a gold ring in a pig's snout is a beautiful woman who shows no discretion.  -Proverbs 11:22

In this I have full confidence:  that over time, with the passing of years, it will go better for them that live in the freedom of the Word than for those who say in their heart there is no God.  To the person who pleases him, God gives wisdom, knowledge and happiness, but to the sinner he gives the task of gathering and storing up wealth to hand it over to the one who pleases God.  This too is meaningless, chasing after wind.  - Ecclesiastes 2:26

Pray for the fools in your life, they need it the most.  Just because their folly hurts us doesn't mean we stop loving them.  Those hitting rock bottom sometimes have the best chance to come to Christ.  Besides, haven't we all played the fool at one time or another?