The Noble Woman

She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.  She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue.  She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness.  Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Honor her for all that her hands have done, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.  -Proverbs 31:25-27, 30-31

Jen and I snow boarding

It's beautiful how God uses people to help people.  Jen and I met awhile back at a house warming party.  We did not know each other then but got to know each other better by hanging out on Tuesday nights during my ex-wife's visitation with the kids.  We had mutual friends that got together each Tuesday to do everything from pot luck dinners to movie nights.  I had not considered dating Jen until I received some prodding from the folks within the group, including Natalie.  Imagine if I had never gotten that request to help Natalie and John move?  It amazes me how things are set in motion long before their time.

I decided that I wanted to date Jen well before she decided to take a chance on me.  But, when the decision was made, she was all-in right away.  I remember when we became official I told her, "I can never come before you and God."  I need to approach the relationship the same way myself.

Too soon, right?  Well, the truth is that I've hardly been single since high school.  Some people are like that and I'm one of them.  Besides, this girl is too awesome to pass up.  She's one of the most Christ-centered people I've ever met.  She is into the outdoors including skiing, snowboarding, camping and SCUBA diving.  She uses her talent at skiing to help those with handicaps ski.  She's been on mission trips to places like Nicaragua, Bulgaria, Romania, Kenya and Turkey.  She is great with kids (as my 3 will attest) and even mentors at-risk youth.  She works for Auto Owner's Insurance programming computer interfaces in their actuary department.  She plain and simple treats me better.  She is not the typical girl I have gone after in the past but I have matured since I was last single 9 years ago.  Besides, cute geeks are hard to come by!  What a difference it makes to be in a relationship with someone who treats you well.

Snowshoeing on Christmas Eve

Our first date alone was on Christmas Eve.  We went snowshoeing down Kent Trails.  The weather could not have been more perfect.  The sun was shining yet a fresh coat of snow covered everything.  As we stepped along, I recalled my conversation with the Creator of the Universe that had happened on the same path.  On that day, He had told me to "Slow."  It was worth the wait and the suffering.  I led her off the trail and into the woods.  Putting down a towel on a log I pulled out my Bible.  Together we took turns reading the Christmas story.  I gave her a Christmas present:  a "Tenth Avenue North" CD (she had discovered that she really liked that band while reading this blog) and a gift card to her favorite restaurant.  We attended a candlelit service at HomeFront Church and later that night we went out to eat.  We dined overlooking the restaurant's kitchen.  It's amazing how much free food you get when you sit there!  The night ended with a Midnight Mass (one of our Catholic friends was singing in the choir).  It was a very memorable day to say the least.

Compare this picture of Kent Trails to the one in the post entitled "A Conversation With the Creator of the Universe."
Michigan has such beautiful seasons.

Compare this picture of Buck Creek to the one in the post entitled "The Flood."
It's amazing how things can change into something so different yet in a lot of ways be exactly the same, too.

Jen recently turned 30 and has been single for 8 years.  During that time she prayed good things for me, even though she had never met me.  Before I found out that my wife cheated on me, I was loving everyone put in front of me.  After I found out about the cheating, loving everyone became very hard.  God is using Jen's spiritual gifts (empathy, compassion, trust, faith, honesty) to help me get that feeling back.  I can't be about my Mission, whatever that might be, until my bitterness is gone.  Thank you God!  I'm a blessed man.

Another factor that contributing to getting back to my old self was finally forgiving my ex-wife for the effect her decisions have had on the kids.  This was a hard one.  It is one thing to forgive someone a wrong against yourself, but a wrong against your kids?  One night, when my ex-wife was about to leave my house after visitation, Brynn kept running out of her room crying for mommy to stay.  This always upset me to see Brynn so hurt.  It had always made me mad at my ex-wife.  This time, I remembered grace, and told my ex-wife that I forgave her this last piece, even in the midst of it happening.  My ex-wife rarely cries and has never been moved by Brynn's tears at her leaving.  But, I saw my ex-wife's eyes water when I forgave her.

One of the worst parts about being cheated on are the judges.  "Oh, you're divorced?  What did you do to deserve your wife having sex with another man?  Let's gossip about you behind your back."  These too are opportunities to show grace and love.

I had to ask my ex-wife's forgiveness, too.  God taught me the meaning of grace but that doesn't mean I always showed it.  I wish forgiveness was a switch I could flip.  The grace I did give was extremely hard, extremely real, and extremely happened.  Alas, I did not always choose to show grace to my ex-wife over the last year.  Even if those moments are short, they are remembered.  So, one day, I apologized for that.  I told her I love her, and I pray good things for her every day, and that I'm sorry for those times I did not show grace.  She told me, "It worked out for the best because you have strong convictions in your faith and I don't."  Ugh.  She had many reasons for cheating, but THAT seems to emerge as the biggest reason.  My faith.  My Christianity.  Sometimes I wonder to myself, "What if I had given up Christ to follow her down her path?  Would that have saved my marriage?"  It would not have been a good marriage, not without that firm foundation.  I will choose God every time.  I pray one day she, too, will return to Him.

One thing I love about Jen (and there are many things) is that she does not try to control me.  I'm not used to that.  What I find so absurd is that my ex-wife claims that I tried to control her.  This came up in counseling.  The only problem is that I had specific examples of how she controlled me and she had no examples of how I controlled her.  Yes, I wanted to see why her phone was locked.  But, in 9 years of being with her, I NEVER had an inkling to see her phone, not until I knew, in those last months, that she was once again using it to betray me.  And as it turned out, I was right.  I'm intuitive that way.  She was breaking a promise and feeding an addiction with it.  Jen offered me her cell phone password.  I didn't even want to know it.  It was kind of her to offer, but I'll pass.  When my ex-wife came back the last time, she demanded to see all my Facebook chats with any girls.  I obliged.  I let her look through it.  One time I went into Meijer and she waited in the van with my phone which was charging.  As I walked back to the van I saw her scrolling through and reading my text messages.  Unlike her, though, I had nothing to hide.  Even in the beginning of our relationship she was like this.  I remember her sneaking onto my computer to look through my photo albums at pictures of my old girlfriends.  She hid that activity from me but later admitted to it.

Jen is honest with me, she does not use lies to manipulate me.  She does not give me false promises in an attempt to control my current feelings.  Over the years I had grown to resent my then wife and I never really knew why.  Our counselor helped me realize where the resentment came from.  So many of my then wife's promises had not come true over the years, both big and small, that eventually I came to expect lies more than truth.  Then, anytime she broke a promise, I would lump all the times she ever broke a promise onto that one situation.  It built up and built up until there was a pile of resentment.  This contributed to us drifting apart.  If we had known sooner we could have addressed it.  But, even when it was made clear in counseling, the false promises did not stop.  They still piled up.  To anyone reading this that might say, "Well, that's just the way she is.  That's her personality," I would argue that it is a personality flaw.  It's hurtful and manipulative.  It wrecks relationships over time, even if you're married to the most understanding person in the world.  A lack of follow-through isn't who you are, it is something to overcome, not something to enable.

Jen has said that she doesn't want to be someone that tries to change who I am.  That is so refreshing.  When my ex-wife came back, she said my appearance needed to change.  She took me shopping and picked out clothes for me to buy.  She changed my wardrobe, picked out a new pair of glasses for me to wear, and pointed at a large poster and said, "You should do your facial hair like that guy," and I did what she asked.  I did it all because I wasn't in the right state of mind.  She even made me do things during intimacy that John had done to her.  Don't let anyone control you like this.  It's not healthy, and it will mentally wreck you.  Find someone who accepts you for who you are.  On top of that, she condemned my A-Type personality.  But this is who God made me.  To all my fellow A-Types (which includes my daughter Josie), you are beautiful just the way you are!

My ex-wife even tried forcing her beliefs on me.  Never did I consider putting a Jesus bumper sticker on our vehicles - my wife was not a believer and we shared those vehicles.  However, without consulting me, my then wife ordered an anti-Christianity bumper sticker to put on our car that we both drive.  Our counselor tried to get her to acknowledge that this was wrong to do to me.  But, she is very stubborn.  Never force your significant other to violate their conscience.  Don't settle for someone who wants to change you into something you are not.

I do pray for my ex-wife a lot, it's a great way to turn bitter thoughts into something good and refreshing.  That Day is still coming for my wife, with or without me.  Either she will spend a horrible eternity separated from God or she will be my sister in Christ.  I approach my interactions with her as if one day she will be my sister.  I remember the option God gave me, to choose my own path (I recall how David was given choices in 2 Samuel 24, though much harder ones than I).  God has only spoken to me on a couple of occasions.  Before I even knew who Jen was God had told me there was someone out there full of the Spirit waiting for me.  I had the option to stay with my wife and live in misery or leave and find the one promised.  I think back to that choice and wonder what motivated me.  I confessed to Jen, "I feel so selfish."  She asked me why and I told her, "She [my wife] needed me but I needed you."  After a long pause Jen said, "But a marriage takes two."  I love that Jen talks to me, listens, and is kind.  It's an amazing feeling when you have gone without that communication for so long.

I'm not kidding myself into thinking any future relationship will be perfect; if I believed that I would be setting myself up for failure.  But, having gone through the mud of the last year, I do have a few new items in my tool box:  knowledge of agape love, a better understanding of grace, and a higher regard for a strong moral foundation.

In the past year so many Christian artists have helped me with their music.  I've shared a lot of those songs on my blog.  Jen and I had the pleasure of attending Winter Jam, a Christian Concert at Van Andel Arena.  There were over 10 different artists, including my favorite "Tenth Avenue North."  It was a great night with friends praising the Lord and singing songs like Worn and By Your Side.  While waiting in line, the married couple "Love & the Outcome" walked up to our spot in line and told their story.  They even played their song He is With Us.  Thank God that He is with us.  I don't know how those without Christ get through years like the one I had in 2013.  On New Year's Eve Jen and I bid farewell to this past year and looked forward to the promise of a brand new, unused year.  2013 was easily the worst year of my life, yet also the year I grew most spiritually.  I will continue to trust Him into 2014.

Jen and I waiting in line at Winter Jam.  "Love & the Outcome" tells their story in the background.