Forgiven

"There is nothing more Christ-like on the face of planet earth than forgiveness. Nothing."  -Chuck Swindoll

Today we dress in long pants, not because it's cold, but because we will be visiting several holy sites (we aren't allowed to show our knees).  We will walk the path of Jesus from the Last Supper to Golgotha ("Place of the Skull").  I make the decision to take fewer pictures today and be more reserved.  Jesus suffered greatly on the path I'm about to walk.  He was the same age as I, 33.

Today is also the Shabbat, which started at nightfall yesterday and lasts until nightfall today.  Since no work is allowed on the Shabbat, and apparently pushing elevator buttons is considered work, there is a Shabbat Elevator in the hotel.  The elevator automatically stops at each floor back and forth.  Thankfully I did not accidentally ride this elevator because our building is very tall.  Another culture shock was that wine was served at breakfast.

The Last Supper

Pastor Flick teaches outside the traditional location of the Upper Room.

Our first stop on the path is the Upper Room where Jesus and his disciples had the Last Supper.  This is a traditional location that was actually built by the crusaders.  When we arrive we are told that we cannot enter.  I wasn't clear why, but it had something to do with a debate about the keys between Jewish sects.  So, we instead gather just outside the Upper Room and Pastor Flick delivers a message.  Flick has us imagine that we are with the ones we love, having a last supper.  Our loved ones have no idea that this is the last meal that we will have together.  I imagine Jen and I sitting at a table with my three kids.  Oh, what joy I would have at that meal, savoring every tiny moment, but at the same time what sorrow, knowing I would have to go.

By now I am deep into my trip overseas and I am missing my loved ones immensely.  I miss Josie and her drive to have everything in the correct spot.  I miss Brynn and the sweet love she shows to everyone.  I miss James and how he tells me, "No!" when he needs a diaper change.  And I miss Jen and her little quirks, like the way she holds her hand at her forehead when she's trying to remember something.

I love them, but I had been able to love anyone that God put in front of me.  Oh, how I miss being able to love others fully.  Recall that when I first met John, before I knew anything, I had loved him.  But a wall has been up ever since I woke up to the truth about my then wife.  The wall prevents me from showing that kind of love anymore.  When Jesus was on earth He modeled life by serving out of love.  God is love.  He washed his disciple's feet in the Upper Room (John 13:1-17).  Oh, to be able to love like Jesus was able to love others.  Not long ago I wanted to show my love to Jen so I washed her feet.  I think it meant a lot to her.  I desire to live a life of love and to love life.

When Pastor Flick finishes delivering his message we receive news that the doors to the Upper Room have been unlocked.  Our group files upstairs and spends a short while here.  This isn't the true Upper Room; I consider the meaning behind the place rather than the place.  This day is more than just about visiting historical sites.

This is the only picture I took in the Upper Room.  I took very few pictures on this day so that I could focus spiritually on the path of Christ.

An excavation is happening nearby.  The search continues to find the true Upper Room.

Just before leaving the Upper Room, Jesus prayed for the disciples, but He also prayed for me, and for all believers (John 17:20-26).

The House of Caiaphas

 

As we make the trek to the house of the High Priest Caiaphas we pass by several "graves" (see below) of High Priests.  I imagine Jesus walking passed these giant tombs, under arrest by soldiers.  Jesus spent much of His ministry fighting the religious establishment.  As Jesus walked to His death He would have been reminded by these tombs that the High Priests considered themselves to be like pharaohs.

A High Priest's Tomb

Outside the House of Caiaphas is the courtyard where Peter warmed himself.

After a little while, those standing near said to Peter, “Surely you are one of them, for you are a Galilean.”

He began to call down curses, and he swore to them, “I don’t know this man you’re talking about.”

Immediately the rooster crowed the second time. Then Peter remembered the word Jesus had spoken to him: “Before the rooster crows twice you will disown me three times.” And he broke down and wept.

-Mark 14:70b-72

We arrive at the House of Caiaphas.  Juda makes it a point to express that this truly is the real House of Caiaphas.  Since Juda has done a great job up until now of pointing out the untrue locations I consider his opinion to be credible.  One reason Juda is convinced is because the cistern in the house has been turned into a holding cell.  Juda points to the Broken Cistern Prophesy in Jeremiah.

"My people have committed two sins: They have forsaken me, the spring of living water, and have dug their own cisterns, broken cisterns that cannot hold water.  -Jeremiah 2:13

By this point in the Walk of Christ, his friends have abandoned him.  Peter has denied him.  Jesus is mocked, spit on and beaten.  What a long night it would have been in this place for Jesus.  Jesus knows what's coming - his crucifixion and bearing the wrath of God.  While Jesus is thinking about these things he is not sitting comfortably in a cell, rather, his hands and feet are bound and he is hung in a standing position.  It is in this place that we solemnly read Psalm 88.


Lord, you are the God who saves me;
    day and night I cry out to you.
May my prayer come before you;
    turn your ear to my cry.

I am overwhelmed with troubles
    and my life draws near to death.
I am counted among those who go down to the pit;
    I am like one without strength.
I am set apart with the dead,
    like the slain who lie in the grave,
whom you remember no more,
    who are cut off from your care.

You have put me in the lowest pit,
    in the darkest depths.
Your wrath lies heavily on me;
    you have overwhelmed me with all your waves.
You have taken from me my closest friends
    and have made me repulsive to them.
I am confined and cannot escape;
    my eyes are dim with grief.

I call to you, Lord, every day;
    I spread out my hands to you.
Do you show your wonders to the dead?
    Do their spirits rise up and praise you?
Is your love declared in the grave,
    your faithfulness in Destruction?
Are your wonders known in the place of darkness,
    or your righteous deeds in the land of oblivion?

But I cry to you for help, Lord;
    in the morning my prayer comes before you.
Why, Lord, do you reject me
    and hide your face from me?

From my youth I have suffered and been close to death;
    I have borne your terrors and am in despair.
Your wrath has swept over me;
    your terrors have destroyed me.
All day long they surround me like a flood;
    they have completely engulfed me.
You have taken from me friend and neighbor—
    darkness is my closest friend.

-Psalm 88

In the silence that follows the reading of this Psalm I think of all that God has done for me.  If he had only done what he did here and on the cross that would have been enough.  His grace is enough.  But God keeps raining down His blessings on me.  I remember the voice of my daughter Josie, "Daddy, when is God going to fix your heart?"  God is healing my heart on this trip.  His timing is perfect.  His will is sovereign.  Why does He heal me?  What love is this that you give and give and give some more?  I think about how loudly I will praise his Name one day amongst the angels.

As we are leaving the House of Caiaphas we pass by another group that has just arrived.  I notice that my former co-worker Diane is amongst the group.  I knew she was in Israel but I didn't think I'd actually run into her.  It was a fun moment to share, running into her here.  I think of Jen in this moment because we often play a game when we go out somewhere:  the first person who runs into someone they know wins.  Well, how do you top running into someone you know in the House of Caiaphas?

The Praetorium

After leaving the House of Caiaphas, the hand crafted jewelry merchant several of us had ordered from returns to us with the items he has been working on the last couple of days.  I receive my ring with the Hebrew inscription "Where you go I will follow."  How fitting that I receive this item while on the Path of Christ.  Where you go I will follow, and I'm following your path.  The day before I laid my wedding ring in the Wailing Wall, and today I have a new ring to wear.  Once again God is using symbolism to speak to me because he knows that is what my heart responds to.  Sometimes I'm overwhelmed by all that God is and does that I can't even handle it.

This is the prison where Pilate had Jesus held.  To the right is a "King Game" carved in the floor.

We enter the prison where Pilate had Jesus held.  Inside, Juda teaches us that Roman soldiers played a cruel game with their prisoners called "King Game."  This game used carved paving stone on the floor as spaces.  A soldier played against a prisoner using dice.  The goal of the soldier was to move the king piece to the tower so as to execute him.  If the prisoner won, they got to live another day.  If the soldier won, it was time for the prisoner to die.  It is quite possible that Jesus was forced to play this game - and intentionally lost.  Jesus was in control the whole time.

Via Dolorosa

 

The Via Dolorosa is the route believed to have been taken by Jesus through Jerusalem to Calvary.  This is where my savior carried his cross.  I cannot even begin to know what he suffered.

Arch of Antonia	We pass various stations along the path that the Catholic Church has instated.
Continuing along the Via Dolorosa	Jesus carried the cross through this gate.

In Isaiah 53 Christ's rejection, suffering, and intercession was prophesied.  That scroll was found in Qumran and was likely written before Jesus walked the earth as a man.  As I walk this path I think about why God is telling such an intricate story.  This story is not so much about the What and the Where as it is about the Why.  So then Why?  Why did he bare the cross?  It's been 2000 years, I'm probably walking 33 feet above the Whats and the Wheres anyway.  God has brought me in on His story - by unveiling Israel to me - that's how intricate His story is.  As Christians, we are all a part of the body of Christ and we each have our role (1 Corinthians 12:12-31).  God has a plan for me and my family.  What's the Why?  I'm the Why!  He bore the cross because I am the joy set before him.  You are the Why!  Don't get me wrong, seeing these locations has been amazing.  But, if I miss the Why I've missed everything.  Jesus did this for us because he loves us.  He wants us to have life in abundance - eternal life.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.  -Hebrews 12:1-3

The Garden Tomb

They came to a place called Golgotha (which means "the place of the skull"). There they offered Jesus wine to drink, mixed with gall; but after tasting it, he refused to drink it. When they had crucified him, they divided up his clothes by casting lots. And sitting down, they kept watch over him there.  -Matthew 27:33-36

This has been God's plan all along - the cross.

And I will put enmity between you and the woman, and between your offspring and hers; he will crush your head, and you will strike his heel."  -Genesis 3:15

This was God's plan for me all along.  What seems like a long time ago I had rededicated my life and prayed for 2 things:  more time to make disciples and for my then wife to experience the grace of God.  To answer these prayers He has to led me to the cross.  So here I stand in the Garden Tomb next to the Place of the Skull where Jesus was crucified.  Our group sits together in the garden near Jesus' tomb and Pastor Mike begins to teach.  His message is on forgiveness.  Pastor Mike stresses that forgiveness is NOT free.  It's not free - but we do not have to pay the price.  Jesus paid our ransom.  Pastor Mike speaks about how perhaps we may have been severely wronged and today we sit buried under the weight of that wrong.  It is as if he is speaking directly to me.  "Perhaps you think 'I can't forgive you, it hurts too much'," Pastor Mike speaks into my heart.

It is time to be honest with myself.  I had told my ex-wife that I forgave her - for the affair, for the financial loss, for the abandonment, for the effect on the kids.  But had I really?  I had meant what I said when I said it.  "I forgive you," I had told her many times.  I wasn't lying.  I want it to be true.  But then what is this bitterness I have in my heart?  Why do I want to see her suffer and hurt like me?  Why do I want John to cheat on her?  Why do I want her life to tumble into a miserable pile of defeat under the weight of what she did?  Because even though I want to forgive her I have not yet done so.  How many times have I prayed to God over the last year and a half, "Lord, please take away this bitterness.  Please clear my mind of these thoughts that roll around in my head.  I can't get rid of them without you!  I hate them.  Please take away my burden."  But my prayers were not answered.  The bitterness sits there like an anchor caught in the mud.  If it was a switch I could just turn off I would.  Bitterness is such a burdensome emotion.  It prevents one from loving and laughing and living.

I lean over to Kenric who is sitting next to me, tears pouring down my face, "Kenric, I haven't forgiven her."  Communion is brought out and set before our group.  "Now's the time," I tell him.

I walk up and pick up the elements, including a little olive wood chalice filled with juice.  We have already been told that we get to keep the cup to take home with us.  We all return to our seats.

God has surprised me with this one.  I knew I was going to get baptized in the Jordan.  I knew I was going to place my wedding ring in the Wailing Wall.  But I did not see this coming.  Just yesterday I had prayed for God to take away my burden.  I had written the prayer on a note and wrapped it around my wedding ring and placed the prayer inside the Wailing Wall.  It is a prayer I have prayed many, many times.  God's timing is perfect.  It is time for that prayer to at long last be answered.  The time to release my ex-wife from her debt is here.

As I take the bread I think of Jesus' beaten body and his great suffering for me.  I don't deserve to be forgiven by God, but He went to great lengths to make me right with Him.  He forgave me.  My ex-wife does not deserve my forgiveness.  What she did was far too unimaginably awful.  But I am going to forgive her anyway.  As I drink from the chalice I think of the blood of Christ that washes me clean as if I have never sinned.  I likewise think of my forgiveness for my ex-wife, and also for John.  I drink in my forgiveness for both of them.

I feel light, like I could float away.  The burden washes away.  At long last it washes away!  I don't realize how heavy the burden truly is until it is gone.  Whatever these shoulders were carrying, it is gone.  I love my ex-wife.  And I also love John - again.  My heart drowns in love as I forgive both of them.  The last time I felt this way, this much love, was before I knew about the affair, at the Winter Walk, when I was full of the Spirit and loving everyone God put in front of me.  At the Winter Walk we sang the song "10,000 Reasons" when it was time to gather together.  And now, right after communion, Pastor Flick leads us all in singing "10,000 Reasons."  Hello God.

As a group we stand and begin walking toward the Place of the Skull.  Kenric asks, "Did you forgive her?"

I smile, "Yes."

"Can I pray for you?"  he asks.

"Of course," I smile.

As we walk, he places his arm around me and prays.  When we get to the place where our tour guide is going to speak next, I can't sit down.  Everyone is sitting but I am standing.  I am so light and free.  The Holy Spirit moves in me and tells me what I am to do:  I am to give the wooden chalice, which I had drank the forgiveness from, to John.  Yes, to the man who ruined my family, took my wife and left me broken.  To him I would give this cup.  The revelation surprises me and also fills me with great joy.  What forgiveness is this that I am able to do such a thing?  I love John and I want him to have it.



Next, the group walks through the garden to the tomb that once held Christ's body.  We take turns going in.  Mark and I go in together.  Nope, Christ isn't in there.  Hallelujah, he's is not in there!

I exit the Garden Tomb.  In my right hand I'm holding the olive wood chalice.

At the place where Jesus was crucified, there was a garden, and in the garden a new tomb, in which no one had ever been laid.  Because it was the Jewish day of Preparation and since the tomb was nearby, they laid Jesus there.  -John 19:41-42

When I come out of the tomb I find Pastor Josh, "Hey, can I talk to you back at the hotel?  I want to tell you what's been happening."

As the buses leave, some of our group decides to travel to the Old City to do some shopping while others go back to the hotel.  I am ready to go home.

As I talk to Josh back at the hotel he tells me, "Some people have come on this trip because they want to See.  But it's never been that for you, not even in the beginning.  This has been more than turning your Bible into a comic book.  As we've gone to locations, people will go check it out for themselves, but then they'll come up to me and ask, 'How is Mike doing / what is he feeling / experiencing?'"

"I hope one day I can be as encouraging to my Church family as they have been to me through this trial," I tell him.

Josh shakes his head, "I can tell you that it's been the other way around."

This night will be our last in a hotel room.  After tomorrow's exploration, we will hop on a plane and heading home.  So, we gather as a group in one of the hotel's conference rooms.  We discuss the plans and details about tomorrow, our last day in Israel.  We learn that we get to sleep in tomorrow morning.

Mark, who is sitting next to me, says, "I have to tell you something up in the room.  It's for selective ears."  I am intrigued.

The group has a chance to share testimonies.  A few of us speak, including me.  As briefly as I can I explain what God had done for me the last two days, both at the Wailing Wall and at the Garden Tomb.  When I tell everyone that my burden is gone, they applauded their praise to God.

Pastor Flick gets up in front of the group.  I have never told him anything about the loss of my ability to love everyone put in front of me.  Yet, the words that come out of his mouth are, "I want us to go around the group, and just give each other a hug, and tell them you love them."  Hello God.

With joy in my heart, I walk the room.  Going up to people, some I know, some I don't, I look them straight in the eyes and truthfully say, "I love you."  Then, I fold my arms around them.  Bitterness no longer defines my feelings; the love of Christ does.  Thank you, God.

As I embrace someone I don't know, she tells me, "Your story has really inspired someone here."

"Really?"  I smile.  I have no idea who.

On our last night in Israel, we took a picture of our team.  From left to right:  Mark, Myself, Christine, Jordan, Pastor Flick & Pastor Josh.

The sun has set and the Shabbat is over.  Mark and I head up to our room.

"So what is this top secret thing you have to tell me?"  I ask him.

"Flick and Josh are going to try to get up onto the Temple Mount tomorrow morning," he explains.  "Do you want to go?"

"The Muslim controlled Temple Mount?" I ask him.  "Yes.  How?"

So much for sleeping in.

Lay Your Burden Down

Hezekiah's Tunnel

It was Hezekiah who blocked the upper outlet of the Gihon spring and channeled the water down to the west side of the City of David. He succeeded in everything he undertook.  -2 Chronicles 32:30

Mark and I had a choice to make.  We could take Joab's dry tunnel, or Hezekiah's 1500 feet long underground wet tunnel.  Of course we decide to take the wet tunnel.  Hezekiah's tunnel isn't always open for exploration because the water is often too high, but since Israel is experiencing a drought the levels are low enough for traversing.  This trip has been very heavy and emotional for me at times.  I think that's why God made sure to room me with Mark.  This adventure is rich with meaning, AND it has had a lighter side.  I'm having fun gallivanting across Israel.




At the end of Hezekiah's tunnel lies the Pool of Siloam.

When He had said this, He spat on the ground, and made clay of the spittle, and applied the clay to his eyes, and said to him, “Go, wash in the pool of Siloam” (which is translated, Sent). So he went away and washed, and came back seeing. Therefore the neighbors, and those who previously saw him as a beggar, were saying, “Is not this the one who used to sit and beg?” Others were saying, “This is he,” still others were saying, “No, but he is like him.” He kept saying, “I am the one.” So they were saying to him, “How then were your eyes opened?” He answered, “The man who is called Jesus made clay, and anointed my eyes, and said to me, ‘Go to Siloam and wash’; so I went away and washed, and I received sight.” They said to him, “Where is He?” He said, “I do not know.”  -John 9:6-12

Notice in Scripture that Jesus heals different people in different ways.  He heals by touch (Matthew 8:3).  He heals from a distance (Luke 17:11-14).  He even heals when not in the presence of the one He's healing (Luke 7:1-10).  God chooses to heal us as He wills.  Different people require different healing methods.  God is healing my heart in a very special way.  Tomorrow I will find out to what extent God is willing to go to bring me healing; He sometimes heals us in ways we do not see coming.  God can heal you, too, in just the right way.

Shenanigans

I realized at some point in my spiritual walk that God relates differently to different people.  Some of us feel close to God while head banging to rock music while others prefer a gospel choir.  The human race is a diverse bunch and we have a God that is big enough to relate to each of us uniquely.  For instance, God gets through to me many times through symbolism and ceremony.  Thus, the baptism really resonated with me, as will the placing of my wedding ring inside the Wailing Wall.  God also knows that amid all the drama and pain of the last year and a half that I need a good adventure - and a good laugh.

My roommate Mark and I have a lot in common.  Born a generation apart, we have both suffered the heart ache of a cheating spouse, divorce, and the raising of our kids as a single parent.  Mark's wisdom has helped me cope and get through hard times.  He, like me, appreciates a good adventure, and a good laugh.

To Jerusalem!

Which way is Jerusalem?

Check out our spacious balcony.

Where is Samson when you need him?

Mark bet me $1 to ride the baggage return.

Christian dressed as a Jew in the Muslim Quarter.

Mark and I take a Selfie from inside Jesus' tomb.

While staying in the Royal Hotel on the Dead Sea we overheard familiar voices coming from the adjoining room - the Reiffers.  They had not yet discovered that Mark and I were roomed next to them.  Mustering our best Arabic shouting we began banging loudly on the door between the rooms.  In broken English we demanded that they, "Open door!  Open door now!"

"No!" we heard from the other side of the door.  "You've got the wrong room!"

Laughing hysterically we reply, "Are you sure?  It's Mike and Mark."

Thus we had the reputation of being the most likely to get arrested while in Israel.  God knows me well.  He knows that right now I need to laugh and live.  There was once a time I could love, too; I could love anyone put in front of me.  I miss that.

The Jewish Quarter

While in the Jewish Quarter I take the opportunity to buy a kippah (Jewish hat) and a tallit (Jewish prayer shawl).  The tallit has many strands that hang off from it, including 4 longer strands that represent the 4 corners of the earth.  I plan to wear these garments while at the Wailing Wall.

This wall was built by the crusaders in 1099.

The wall is riddled with bullets. The Jewish Quarter of Jerusalem was lost in 1948 and liberated in 1967.

This is the Broad Wall, built somewhere between 536 & 516 B.C.
Uzziel son of Harhaiah, one of the goldsmiths, repaired the next section; and Hananiah, one of the perfume-makers, made repairs next to that. They restored Jerusalem as far as the Broad Wall.  -Nehemiah 3:8

On our way to the Wailing (Western) Wall we encounter some other walls with interesting stories to tell.  But it is the Wailing Wall that I am most interested in.  Because the Temple Mount is under Muslim control, the closest that the Jewish people can get to the holiest of holies to pray is the Wailing Wall.  The holiest of holies was the room containing the Ark of the Covenant where sat the presence of God between the Cherubim.  Jews come to this wall to pray and stuff prayer requests, written on paper, into the cracks of the wall.  Before reaching the outside Western Wall we visit the portion of the wall that lies underground.  It is here that I write my prayer in my journal.  It reads, "Lord, please accept my sacrifice.  Lord, please take away my burden."  I rip the prayer out of my journal and wrap it around my wedding band.

My camera is pointed straight down. So much has been built over top of everything. If you were back in Jesus' day the bottom of this ladder would have been ground level.

Archaeologists are perplexed at this long rock located in the Western Wall (and now underground). It is 39 feet long, 18 feet wide and weighs 570 tons. How was this lifted into place exactly?

***

Nicole, "Mike, let's pretend that Jesus is here.  He's going to build you your perfect wife.  You can have anyone you want.  What do you tell him?"

I break down, "My wife before the affair.  But she doesn't exist.  She's dead.  I look at old photos and think to myself, 'Where did that person go?'"

"When did you first notice a change in your wife?"  Nicole asks.

"About a month, month and a half before I found out about the affair," I explain.  "It's like a switch was flipped.  I remember I started doing devotionals to improve our marriage.  I remember right before the change in her we had gone on a date night and everything was normal."

"You will most likely always have feelings for her," Nicole tells me.  "You were made in the image of God and He didn't cast off His feelings for us.  If your wife had died, no one would say that, Mike, you should be over her by now.  You are mourning someone that you still have to encounter.  This is why you can't be in the same room with her."

"It's not fair to Jen that I still have feelings for her," I go on.

"It's okay to still have feelings for her," Ryan interjects.  "You come alive when you talk about her.  That's okay.  We want to embrace your alive-ness.  We want to help you cope with it correctly."

"Thank you for telling me that it's okay," I sigh.  "I needed to hear that."

***

Above ground now, our group approaches the Wailing Wall.  Kenric comes up to me and asks if he can take pictures.  I thank him and tell him yes.  I don't know it at the time but Pastor Josh is taking video with his phone.  I'm looking for a spot along the wall, somewhere with a deep crevice.  I find a spot, set down my back pack, and with my ring in my right hand I lean against the wall.

I wasn't sure how I was going to feel at this moment, but the weight of it hits me as my head leans against the wall.  I feel very broken and small.  I pray, "Lord please take away my burden" three times followed by "Lord please accept my sacrifice" three times.  Of all the reasons my ex-wife gave me for leaving, my faith stands out as the biggest one.  I would choose the Lord every time over her.

I move my arm deep into the crevice.  I feel other prayer notes against my hand.  I go deeper, feeling the crack angling upward and narrowing.  I find a spot.  It is time to let go.  It is time to drop the symbol of my marriage.  But something unexpected happens.  I freeze.  I can't let go.  Finally I force the ring deeper still.  Now only the tip of my finger touches the ring.  Still I can't let go.  I push it away even further.  I can feel it but just barely now.  This moment is too final.  And then it dawns on me; THIS is my burden, that I have been unable to LET GO.  I've been living between two lives.  This has been my problem the whole time.  Living in the "in between" is a place of depression and anxiety.  A moment of courage comes and I let go, pulling my arm out of the crevice.  Peace washes over me.  I take a breath and feel the relief.  I want to bask in this relief so I lean my head against the stone and rest for a while.  If my baptism marked the symbolic beginning of my new life, this was the symbolic leaving behind of my old life.

I also have to let go of the lies.  My ex-wife told me that I was "controlling."  I've wasted days of my life running circles in my mind trying to recall an occasion in which I was "controlling."  I always come up with nothing except examples in which she controlled me through manipulation.  I've asked her many times to give me an example of how I have "controlled" her.  She has none.  I'm letting go of wasting time trying to fix something that is not broken.  The domestic life "controlled" my ex-wife, not me.  She was controlled by the life she chose for herself and convinced me to give her only to abandon it immediately after having a 3rd child.  Placing the blame on me justified her actions.  I need to STOP believing the lies once and for all.  I need to let go and leave them at the wall with my ring.  I've allowed her to make me feel small long enough.

Finally, I step away from the wall and retrieve my back pack.  Mark walks up to me and I tell him, "It's gone."  Next, I find a bench on the other side of the court and sit, taking in the beauty of the Wailing Wall.  I sit there alone and mourn.  The prayer that I placed in the wall is one that I have prayed many times over the last year and a half.  "Lord, please take away my burden."  But, the burden always remained, dominating my thoughts.  Little did I know that today I was 1 day away from my prayer being answered at long last.  God would do something amazing tomorrow.

“Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened.  -Matthew 7:7-8

PASSWORD:  33

The Church of the Holy Sepulchre

For our next stop, The Church of the Holy Sepulchre, we cut through the Muslim Quarter to get into the Christian Quarter.  While beautiful, I take this Church with a grain of salt.  The Church of the Holy Sepulchre claims to be built over several meaningful spots including where Jesus was nailed to the cross, where he was crucified, and where he was buried.  The difference between a place like this and places like Hezekiah's Tunnel and the Western (Wailing) Wall is that The Church of the Holy Sepulchre is all conjecture.  We know that Hezekiah's Tunnel is Hezekiah's Tunnel.  Likewise, it's pretty difficult to get the Western Wall of the Temple Mount wrong.  The Church of the Holy Sepulchre seems very forced to me.



The positive about being faced with the dilemma of authenticity is that it forces you to examine your motives.  Am I in Israel trying to turn my Bible into a comic book, because I want to SEE.  Or, am I here to grow in my spiritual walk and know my creator better?  Don't get me wrong, there's no doubt in my mind that God holds Israel, the Promise Land, in high esteem.  It's important to Him.  I could give in and believe that this Church is genuine, or I can seek a more authentic experience, like the story God is unveiling to me personally.  This trip has meant far more to me than just visiting historic sights.

While touring the Church, Juda points out a rock on which Jesus was prepared for burial.  It was here that Jesus' blood, sweat and dirt was wiped away.  That's odd, though, since Juda tells us that the stone was placed there 200 years ago.  However, that doesn't stop folks from kneeling next to it and touching it like it's sacred.  In fact, when the crusaders were here, they found 3 crosses buried on the spot they would then claim was the location of Jesus' crucifixion.  But in 70 A.D. the Romans were crucifying at a rate of 500 people per day.  Who knows who that center cross belonged to.  Never the less the crusaders kept the cross and held it as sacred for 1000 years in this Church until it was destroyed by conquering Muslims who dragged the cross behind a horse through the streets.  In a way I'm glad that the cross was destroyed.  I think back to the Venerating of the Cross ceremony that I witnessed.  We have to be very careful about what we worship, and whether it's a good idea to bow down to a rock here or a cross there.  The important thing is what Jesus did for us on the cross, not the cross itself.

I have to apply this mindset to the Wailing Wall and my own cross that I wear around my neck.  It's more important what God did for me at the Wailing Wall than the wall itself.  Also, I wear my cross necklace not to worship it, but as a testimony for those who see it on me, letting them know that I belong to Him.

This is a traditional location where Jesus was nailed to the cross.

This is a traditional location where Jesus was crucified.

“Kill him! Kill him!” they yelled. “Nail him to a cross!”

“So you want me to nail your king to a cross?” Pilate asked.

The chief priests replied, “The Emperor is our king!” Then Pilate handed Jesus over to be nailed to a cross.

-John 19:15-16


Jesus' mother stood beside his cross with her sister and Mary the wife of Clopas. Mary Magdalene was standing there too. When Jesus saw his mother and his favorite disciple with her, he said to his mother, “This man is now your son.” Then he said to the disciple, “She is now your mother.” From then on, that disciple took her into his own home.

-John 19:25-27

See that ladder under the window? Pastor Josh told me a possible explanation for it. That ladder was there during his trip in 1995. The Church of the Holy Sepulchre (located in the Christian Quarter) is run by 5 different Christian sects. The Law of Status Quo was signed in 1852 which made it so that any changes made to the Church had to be approved by all 5 branches. Folklore has it that someone was cleaning that window when the law was signed. 

Shepherds' Field

Know that the Lord, he is God! It is he who made us, and we are his; we are his people, and the sheep of his pasture. -Psalm 100:3

Our group files back onto the bus.  We have one more stop for the day:  Shepherds' Field.  This field overlooks the City of Bethlehem.  I recall how the cross that I wear around my neck was made in Bethlehem out of olive wood.  My necklace, which I ordered online, has made a return journey to its place of origin!

And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.”

Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying,

“Glory to God in the highest heaven,
    and on earth peace to those on whom his favor rests.”

When the angels had left them and gone into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, “Let’s go to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about.”

-Luke 2:8-15

This location reminds me that Jesus is my shepherd, my guide.  On a day in which I relinquished my wedding ring I find myself eager to get my new, hand-crafted ring that I ordered, which reads, "Where you go I will follow."  My attitude is so much better when I am intentionally following Christ's leading.  Tomorrow we will walk on the path of Christ, from his last supper to his tomb.  It stands to be the most solemn day of the trip.

“Very truly I tell you Pharisees, anyone who does not enter the sheep pen by the gate, but climbs in by some other way, is a thief and a robber. The one who enters by the gate is the shepherd of the sheep. The gatekeeper opens the gate for him, and the sheep listen to his voice. He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. When he has brought out all his own, he goes on ahead of them, and his sheep follow him because they know his voice. But they will never follow a stranger; in fact, they will run away from him because they do not recognize a stranger’s voice.”  -John 10:1-5

These sheep seek the shade of an olive tree while their shepherd stands with them.

We end our day of exploring earlier than usual because night fall marks the beginning of the Shabbat.  Mark and I once again leave our hotel window open as we sleep.  Being that it's the Shabbat, Jerusalem is quiet this night.  For the first night in many my ex-wife does not haunt my dreams.

Jerusalem

As the mountains surround Jerusalem, so the Lord surrounds his people, from this time forth and forevermore.  -Psalm 125:2

As I sleep next to the Dead Sea my dreams are less vivid, but they come none the less.  My ex-wife haunts my dreams of late.  No matter how vivid the dreams are, I still cannot fully remember or grasp them when I awaken.  I recall bits and pieces.  In the dreams I am angry and she is crying.  In my dreams I am getting things off my chest.  I'm telling her things that need to be said, things that are hurtful to her, things I can't say to her in person.  These dreams are wracked with emotion mixed with a dash of closure.

We only stay on the Dead Sea one night.  Our group gathers our belongings and continues the journey.  Our pilgrimage is taking us to Zion, the Holy City, Jerusalem.

Masada

Before Jerusalem we make a stop at the fortress of Masada.  Herod the Great built Masada between 37 and 31 B.C.  You'll remember Herod the Great as the one in charge when Jesus was born.  Herod ordered Masada built as a back-up plan in case anyone turned against him, the "king of the Jews."  Masada rests a full 1500 feet above the Dead Sea.  It was completely self-sustained with gardens, store houses of food and weapons, and a system of aqueducts and cisterns for water.  The funny thing is that historians don't think Herod had ever been to Masada!  It was built as a "just in case."  It was manned by only 100 soldiers.

Cable Cars take you to the top of Masada, 1500 feet above the Dead Sea.

The ride is not for the claustrophobic or those scared of heights.

Can you see the cars on the road down below?

The Holy Land is intense.  I feel it in my stomach, especially at this height.  Israel seems to have very little flat land; we always seem to be walking up or walking down.  Sometimes in life we feel on top of the world!  Things are going great and the pigeons are singing.  Other times we are in the Valley of Megiddo fighting some battle.  For what seems like forever (but in reality has been a year and a half) I have been living in between two lives.  Since my baptism represented a fresh start, I must fully let go now.  And I will.  I brought something to Israel to help with that.

Like I mentioned before, there is something that I carry with me.  It's been in my back pack the whole time.  It's something that will not be going home with me.  This item is making the pilgrimage to Jerusalem, and there it will stay, inside the Wailing Wall.  I can no longer bare to have it.  I know He can bare it.

Give your burdens to the LORD, and he will take care of you. He will not permit the godly to slip and fall.  -Psalm 55:22

What is below the black line is original architecture and what is above is restored.	This is a miniature model of the Bath House of Masada. We had also seen a Bath House in Biet She'an.	Check out the original tapestry behind the Mikveh inside the bath house.
This sauna reminds me of the one we saw in Biet She'an.  Herod spared no expense.	This wall was once painted white to send a glare down to anyone who tried to spy up to the fortress.	In Masada's Synagogue a Jewish Scribe makes hand written copies of the Torah.

After Herod's death and during the Jewish Revolt, the Jews managed to sneak into Masada and kill off the 100 Roman guardians 1 or 2 at a time in stealth-like fashion.  Roman forces sought to take back Masada.  To do so, they built a ramp leading up to the fortress.  The process takes three years.

This is what is left of the Roman ramp up to Masada.

This is a miniature model of the ramp that the Romans built in its full glory.

When the Jews realize that the siege would soon end in their defeat they did something unthinkable.  To prevent their wives from being abused by Roman soldiers (who had not seen a woman in 3 years) they kill their wives.  They also kill their own children to prevent them from becoming slaves.  They then cast lots to kill each other, and the last warrior falls on his own sword.  These are freedom fighters; it's freedom or death.  Only 2 women and 2 children remain to tell the tale.

They do something else I find interesting: they hide their biblical scrolls in a secret place in the fortress.  However, they leave the scroll of Ezekiel in the Synagogue.  The Temple in Jerusalem has been destroyed, Masada is defeated, and their families are dead.  Yet, they held onto their faith.  I've been in some low places, but nothing like that.  To the very end they held true to the Lord.

Then he said to me: “Son of man, these bones are the people of Israel. They say, ‘Our bones are dried up and our hope is gone; we are cut off.’ Therefore prophesy and say to them: ‘This is what the Sovereign Lord says: My people, I am going to open your graves and bring you up from them; I will bring you back to the land of Israel. Then you, my people, will know that I am the Lord, when I open your graves and bring you up from them. I will put my Spirit in you and you will live, and I will settle you in your own land. Then you will know that I the Lord have spoken, and I have done it, declares the Lord.’”  -Ezekiel 37:11-14

When it comes time to leave Masada, several of us want to take the Snake Path instead of riding the cable car back down.  The Snake Path is a 2.5 mile hike that snakes down the mountain along a thin path.  However, our guides do not let us hike it because of the heat.  Humph.  Next time...

Ein Gedi

This is the location where David spared Saul's life in 1 Samuel 24:1-22.  David could have killed Saul but he remained loyal to the Lord's anointed.

We are nearly to Jerusalem when we make a very short stop at Ein Gedi (Spring of the Young Goat).  Getting to see these places will forever change how I read my Bible.  Thank you God for unveiling these sights to me!

Ein Gedi means "Spring of the Young Goat."  Up on the hill we happened to spot a mother with her baby.

A spring of water pours down in front of the entrance to the cave where David "cut off a corner of Saul’s robe."

Before entering Jerusalem, our guide Juda introduces us to an Israeli merchant whom he allows onto the bus.  He is selling hand crafted jewelry.  I had been thinking about getting a new ring to replace my wedding band and had even looked at a couple back in the United States.  But, I had never settled on one.  I made the decision to buy a sterling silver ring with the Hebrew inscription "Where you go I will follow."  This will serve as a reminder for me to stay on God's path.  I will have to wait a couple of days for the ring to be made.

Your word is a lamp for my feet,
    a light on my path.    -Psalm 119:105

The Mount of Olives

Our bus bursts out of the tunnel and there sits Jerusalem to our left.  Wow.  I can't believe I'm in Jerusalem.  I can't help but think of Jesus' entrance into Jerusalem on Palm Sunday (Matthew 21:1-11).  Everyone on the bus is straining to see out of the windows.  This is the city where King David reigned over all Israel for 33 years.

Our bus parks and we get out and take a group photo with the cityscape in the background.  We are standing on the Mount of Olives.  I think most people think about the past when they think about the Mount of Olives.  I tend to lean toward thinking about the future.  One day, Jesus will return and step down on this mountain, splitting it in half.  Perhaps I'm thinking more about the future these days in general.

And in that day His feet will stand on the Mount of Olives,
Which faces Jerusalem on the east.
And the Mount of Olives shall be split in two,
From east to west,
Making a very large valley;
Half of the mountain shall move toward the north
And half of it toward the south.

-Zechariah 14:4

The view of the East Wall of the Temple Mount as seen from the Mount of Olives.

The Garden of Gethsemane

Our group walks from the Mount of Olives to the Garden where Jesus was arrested.


He withdrew about a stone’s throw beyond them, knelt down and prayed, “Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.” An angel from heaven appeared to him and strengthened him. And being in anguish, he prayed more earnestly, and his sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground. When he rose from prayer and went back to the disciples, he found them asleep, exhausted from sorrow. “Why are you sleeping?” he asked them. “Get up and pray so that you will not fall into temptation.”  -Luke 22:41-46

Our guide speaks about the history of this place and Pastor Mike gives a teaching moment.  After that, we have some time to ourselves to walk the garden.  I find an olive tree and sit under it.  I have time to myself just like Jesus did when he prayed to the Father from this place.  Can I ever truly grasp the extent of Jesus' suffering?  But he suffered it, and made me right with God.  Am I living up to that calling?  Sometimes instead of prayer I find it easier to write letters to God.  I did this in the garden under the olive tree.  Below is what I wrote.

Where do I stand with you, Father?  Has your grace fully found me?  Love like this I've never known.  I know you prefer obedience over sacrifice, but I brought something with me to Jerusalem, something to lay at your feet.  Tomorrow I will lay it down and never again will I hold it.  It's not only a sacrifice to you but a burden I have been carrying for a long while.  I pray that you may accept my sacrifice at the Wailing Wall, and please, take my burden with it.  You are mighty to carry it.  I, on the other hand, am tired of bearing it.  Thank you for your grace my Lord.  Where you go I will follow.

When I finish the letter I'm shaking and in tears.  This has been such an emotional trip.  Jesus bore a burden far greater than mine.  I praise Him for taking on our burdens and healing our hearts!  Tomorrow I will lay my burden at His feet; tomorrow I will leave my wedding ring in the Wailing Wall.

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”  -Matthew 11:28-30

King Solomon Hotel

We check into the King Solomon hotel.  That night, several of us meet a friend of Kenric's in the hotel lobby.  His name is Yossi, a Jewish man who lives in Jerusalem.  Yossi had been very excited ever since he found out that Kenric was coming to his city.  Yossi proves to be a wealth of knowledge about the history and political situation in Israel.  He also speaks lovingly of his children, including two sons that are serving in the Israeli Defense Force (IDF) and his daughter who is a medic.  His sons are specially trained to work with dogs with cameras strapped to their heads to make sure that buildings and spaces are clear before anyone enters.  Sadly, I'm too exhausted to stay the whole time with Yossi and quietly slip away for a quick bite to eat followed by crashing into my pillow.

Mark and I both agree that the window should be open as we get some sleep.  The sounds of Jerusalem drift loudly into our 11th floor room.  It's awesome.

As I fall asleep the sounds of Jerusalem meld into my dream, guiding it.  I'm in my house.  It's night and the lights are off.  I hear rain falling on the roof.  My ex-wife is in the house somewhere.  The house is dark and I can't find her.  I reach for a light switch and my hand gets wet from something on the wall.  In the dim light I see water pouring down the wall and over my hand.  The rain is leaking into the house.  The light switch does not work; the water must have caused a short.  My wife is somewhere in the house, but I can't find her.  The water washes over me.  I awaken.  It's not raining in Jerusalem, the pulse of sound through the window had in my mind become drops of rain.  I go back to sleep and I have no more dreams this night.

Tomorrow I will give God my wedding ring at the Wailing Wall.

I never want to forget this view of Jerusalem from our hotel room window.