Come to the River

Then Jesus came from Galilee to the Jordan to be baptized by John. But John tried to deter him, saying, “I need to be baptized by you, and do you come to me?”

Jesus replied, “Let it be so now; it is proper for us to do this to fulfill all righteousness.” Then John consented.

As soon as Jesus was baptized, he went up out of the water. At that moment heaven was opened, and he saw the Spirit of God descending like a dove and alighting on him. And a voice from heaven said, “This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased.”

-Matthew 3:13-17

I lay down to sleep at 11:30 PM.  The dreams come again, powerful and jarring.  After what seems like hours I awaken and check the clock.  It is 12:08 AM.  The dreams continue through the night.  However, this is the first night in many that I get enough sleep.

Artists have written more songs about the Jordan than any other river in the world.  This morning I will enter these waters for my first time and receive a believer's baptism.  As I get ready for another day in Israel I receive several personal messages.  Pastor Flick writes me a note.  My Church family sends me messages of encouragement on social media.  Jen, also, sends me this message:

I pray that tomorrow as you get baptized, God's Spirit would pour out on you WAY more than you've ever experienced before! May you know his Love, Truth and Being more fully than you yet understood. May you be overwhelmed by God, by your belonging and forever citizenship in Christ. May you know your true position in this world and in God's eyes. May you feel the newness that you are everyday. May you know where your merit comes from. May you feel empowered to serve God and share his gospel. May God excite you so much, you can hardly stand still. You can hardly stand silent.  May you be renewed in his truth and light. May you rise from baptism radically and forever changed. May all anxiety and apprehension drip fully away from you in light of your foundation in Christ. Much peace, Mike!  You've already attained these things. May you live up to them. (Phil 3:16).  Although these things are already yours, God gives us special times and festivals to celebrate them. You've already been baptized into God's spirit. Tomorrow you get to be baptized with water as well. This is special. I pray BIG things for you, because I can. God has given us these things, these special promises.  You're his, and I'm definitely grateful.

Is there any doubt why I love this girl, the girl that God Himself told me about?  I miss her.  I find myself talking about her to other people more and more often as the trip goes on.  As I move through buffet lines, I try to imagine what food she would choose.  She is not an idol in my life, rather, she is someone who encourages me in Christ and is always pointing me toward Him.

The Jordan River is the first stop of the day.  One of the first things that I do is fill a bottle full of water from the Jordan to add to my bottle from the Sea of Galilee.  I only need 1 more bottle.  The 33 of us getting baptized (plus 4 more that were late additions) change into white robes and sit on the bank of the river.  Once we are assembled, Pastor Mike from Banner of Christ addresses us, as does Pastor Flick from Everyday Life.  Both do a great job helping us understand the magnitude of what's about to happen.  After the pastors are done speaking, we are invited to tell why we are getting baptized today.  Folks stand up at random, give their name, their church, and why they are here.  The Spirit gives me the courage to stand.

"My name is Mike Endres.  I attend HomeFront Church.  I remember talking with Josh about this day in January 2013.  It was then I made the decision to travel to Israel and be baptized here."  At this moment I pause.  No one to this point has broken down while professing.  After several moments I continue, my voice ringing with pain, "Just after that decision I learned that my wife, the mother of my three young children, was having an affair."  I pause again.  "God allowed my tower to come down," I continue.  "Between the decision to be baptized and now, I have gone through a divorce."  I'm crying now, "But God didn't leave me nor forsake me.  He rebuilt my tower with His will."  Emphatically I end, "This is why I came!"

As I sit down, I realize something has changed among the group.  Everyone claps to express encouragement.  I'm utterly moved by the entire situation and build up to this moment in time.  Now others stand up, confessing with tears the burden they bare.  It's as if it's okay to cry now.  It's okay to be weak, to be broken.  More than ever the importance of baptism is sinking in.

HomeFront Church lines up in the Jordan River first.  Pastor Josh and Pastor Flick will be performing the baptisms for our Church.  I'm somewhere in the middle / end of the line.  My roommate on the trip, Mark, is ahead of me in line.  After each baptism, all of our group erupts in applause and cheering.  As I stand waist deep in the river I feel little fish "kissing" my feet, we'll say.  I wonder if Jesus had fish kissing His feet.

It's now my turn.  I wade toward Josh and Flick.  I hear Josh whisper to Flick that he wants to say a few words to me.  As I stand between the two, taking in the moment, Josh begins to speak privately to me.  I say nothing and just listen to the words of my Pastor.  I'm reminded that, when I first found out my wife was cheating on me, Josh was the very first person I came to.  Since then I have been living in between two lives.  The "in between" is not a fun place to be.  It's a place of depression and anxiety and grief.

Josh tells me that he can't imagine how important this moment is for me.  As he talks I can tell that he's trying to hold himself together, too.  He reminds me that many have been inspired by my story.  He tells me that this is an honor for him to be baptizing me.  He tries to explain how I hold him accountable as a Pastor, and that he's amazed at the rate I pursue my faith.  He tells me that he cannot express how proud he is.  All the while I listen and I'm so thankful that God got a hold of me and set this path in front of me, and gave me the ability to walk it.  All praise goes to the Spirit that gives me strength.  It is my hope to one day be able to encourage people the way my Church family encourages me.  For some (like Josh) it is a spiritual gift.

Flick begins addressing the crowd.  The moment is coming.  My story is shifting.  This is the symbolic beginning of the new me.  This is the FULL acceptance of my new life in Christ and His path for my life.  My path for myself is being left behind and erased.  It's been quite a journey to this moment.

Password:  33


I exit the water, overwhelmed that the moment has come and passed.  But the story goes on.  I'm more excited than ever for those that have yet to be baptized.  So, I find a high perch, and watch them one after the other.  This is not a situation where we wanted to move quickly, to be done with this so we can go on to the next site.  No, we cheer, along with the angels in Heaven, for every last person.  I well with joy for each and every one of them.  After we finish several of us take a brief swim to the other side of the Jordan and back.  Everyone is joyful and full of the Spirit.

Cheryl Reiffer tells me, "You may not know this but you're an inspiration to a lot of people."  I'm thankful for her encouragement.  I don't necessarily feel like an inspiration to others.  But, if my story is inspiring, I'm thankful to God that He gave it to me.  I'm even more thankful for the new, unwritten story ahead of me.  The truth is that my Church inspires me.  I found them at just the right time.

Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.  - 1 Thessalonians 5:11

What shall we say, then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase? By no means! We are those who have died to sin; how can we live in it any longer? Or don’t you know that all of us who were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life.  -Romans 6:1-4

Beit She'an

Beit She'an is located in the heart of the Roman Empire. In 686 AD all of the outer walls collapsed in an earthquake. Today, it is among the largest restored Roman cities, second only to a city in Ephesus.  Wandering the streets of this city helps me to get a feel for the sights of Jesus' time.

I sit overlooking the amphitheater of Beit She'an.  This is where Romans would go to watch performances, listen to philosophical debates and political speeches.

The channel in the ground where Josh's feet rest would have clean water for washing. The deeper channel next to the wall, well, that would have something else in it...

Excavation is still being done at this ancient city. Work began in 1986. If you had come in 1995, all of my pictures would have been underground.

The sauna within the bath house would have had a floor over it with holes for the steam to rise up.  The ceiling was domed so condensation would drip to the side.

The last time that Pastor Josh was at this location a powerful rain storm pounded down. When it had stopped raining, this Roman street was drained thanks to the Roman sewer system. However, when they went to leave this site they had trouble because the modern streets were flooded.

Below is the pagan temple at the top of the Tel.  The image on the left is the real deal while the image on the right is a miniature model. This area has been destroyed and rebuilt 22 times, thus the temple sits on a hill.  This is the location that Saul's body was brought and where valiant men went to retrieve it.


The next day, when the Philistines came to strip the dead, they found Saul and his three sons fallen on Mount Gilboa. They cut off his head and stripped off his armor, and they sent messengers throughout the land of the Philistines to proclaim the news in the temple of their idols and among their people. They put his armor in the temple of the Ashtoreths and fastened his body to the wall of Beth Shan.

When the people of Jabesh Gilead heard what the Philistines had done to Saul, all their valiant men marched through the night to Beth Shan. They took down the bodies of Saul and his sons from the wall of Beth Shan and went to Jabesh, where they burned them. Then they took their bones and buried them under a tamarisk tree at Jabesh, and they fasted seven days.

- 1 Samuel 31:8-13

What loyalty King David showed his King, even a King that tried to kill him.  It's an admirable loyalty, a virtue.  A lot of people could not understand why I gave my then wife a second chance.  It wasn't so much being loyal to her (though it was) it was more about being loyal to the vows and the God who bound them.  Going forward into my new life I pray to the Father, through Jesus, that the Spirit will keep me a loyal man.  I never never never want to bring the hurt that I felt to another person.  Spirit compel me to be always loyal to Jen, and more importantly to your calling!

It's time for our group to continue south, and into the West Bank.  We will be passing through the land where the Israelites complained to Moses after being rescued from the Egyptians.  We are moving south, toward Jerusalem, that great city of the Bible that has played such a pivotal role in God's story.

Qumran

The Dead Sea Scrolls were discovered in Qumran in 1947. Those who found them went to Bethlehem and sold the pottery jar full of scrolls for $147. Until this discovery the oldest known copy of the Old Testament was from around 1000 AD. The Dead Sea Scrolls, which include the prophesies about Jesus in the Book of Isaiah, predate Jesus.

It's a hot day in Qumran where the Dead Sea Scrolls were found.  Some theories suggest that John the Baptist was a part of this Jewish Sect.

But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed.  -Isaiah 53:5

Cave #4 is the most famous cave (pictured below). More than 15,000 fragments were found in this cave. From all 11 Qumran caves, every Old Testament book is represented except Esther. No New Testament books or fragments have been found.

It took 15 years to develop a liquid to dunk the scrolls in that would not only protect the ink but also allow the scrolls to be opened.

It amazes me when I think about how God's story comes into formation, told through the Scriptures over the course of thousands of years by many different authors.

On a much smaller scale I marvel at how God is telling my personal story.  When I rededicated my life to Christ, my wife saw a light in me.  She ultimately rejected it.  But, God used that rejection and kept me on course.  Lord, where you go I will follow!  I have followed His leading out of Egypt and through my metaphorical desert.  But a new beginning is upon me, a "promise land" if you will.

Floating in the Dead Sea outside the Royal Hotel.

I began my day in the water so I guess it's only fitting that I end it there, too.  I make sure to fill up my 3rd and final bottle with water from the Dead Sea.  We stay one night in the Royal Hotel before continuing our trek toward Jerusalem, that ancient city we read about in our Bibles.  I feel like I'm returning home to a place I've never been.

There's something I carry with me to Jerusalem, something I've told only a few people about.  It's something that will not leave Jerusalem with me.  It's a sacrifice to my God and it's also a burden.  I look forward to laying this gift at His feet.

3 Nights by the Sea of Galilee

For the nation and kingdom that will not serve you shall perish; those nations shall be utterly laid waste.  - Isaiah 60:12

By the grace of God, we made it!  (At the Synagogue in Chorazine)

On the way to our hotel from the airport our bus drives near the Palestinian border.  The Israeli military and police are one and the same, walking around armed with powerful guns.  It amazes me as our guide, Juda, impresses on us the fact that 8 million Israelis are able to fend off 1000 million Palestinians.  God's hand must be at work.

It is the Year of Jubilee in Israel (Leviticus 25:8-55).  It also amazes me that the Jewish people are still observing a 3000 year old Law.  Where is Rome?  Where is Babylon?  The Jewish people were scattered throughout the world and had no independent country until May 14th, 1948.  Never before in the history of humanity has anything like this happened, that a people, a couple thousand years later, come back together and still maintain their same culture.

By the time we arrive at our hotel (The Scots in lower Tiberias, located 600 feet below sea level) we are a half hour too late for dinner.  However, the staff makes an exception for us and keeps the buffet going.  I just want to say, that the food is so good here, I would travel to Israel just to eat it.  I may be exaggerating but you get my point.


Whether because of jet lag or excitement or strange dreams, I get only 2 or 3 hours of sleep the first night in Israel.  The next morning we enjoy a magnificent breakfast and then load onto the bus.  It was dark when we arrived so now is my first opportunity to get a good look at the Sea of Galilee.  Wow.  I'm really here.  So many times I thought I would not get to be here, even going back to when my then wife and I separated.  Yet here I stand, in the Promise Land.  Praise God!

Our guide gives us each a transmitter which is to be set to channel 33.  I find that ironic.  Our guide, Juda, has a wealth of knowledge that he shares with us.  Trying to take it all in is like trying to get a drink from a fire hose.  He is also hilarious.

The Valley of Armageddon

Our first site is the top of Mount Carmel, over 1700 feet above sea level.  Once at the top we have an amazing view of the Valley of Megiddo.

Then they gathered the kings together to the place that in Hebrew is called Armageddon. The seventh angel poured out his bowl into the air, and out of the temple came a loud voice from the throne, saying, "It is done!" Then there came flashes of lightning, rumblings, peals of thunder and a severe earthquake. No earthquake like it has ever occurred since mankind has been on earth, so tremendous was the quake. -Revelation 16:16-18

Mount Carmel is the location where Elijah dueled the prophets of Baal (1 Kings 18:16-40).  God proved himself by burning up the offering, the rock, and the water.  All the prophets of Baal were then slaughtered.  In that story God proved Himself.  I reflect on how God has proven Himself in the valleys of my life.  2013 was easily the worst year of my life.  But my God guided me and built me up.  He led me to trust Him.  And now, in 2014, I am on the adventure of a lifetime as he unveils the Promise Land to me, and in so doing, Himself.  Has God proven Himself to you in the midst of a difficult season?

Nazareth

Next, we journey to Nazareth, Jesus' home town.

"Nazareth! Can anything good come from there?" Nathanael asked. "Come and see," said Philip.  -John 1:46

We make our way through a street market on our way to the Synagogue where Jesus read the scrolls of Isaiah.  There were anti-Christian signs along this route.  I did not hide the cross around my neck.

"Whoever acknowledges me before others, I will also acknowledge before my Father in heaven.  But whoever disowns me before others, I will disown before my Father in heaven.  -Matthew 10:32-33

“The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to set the oppressed free, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor.”  Then he rolled up the scroll, gave it back to the attendant and sat down. The eyes of everyone in the synagogue were fastened on him. He began by saying to them, “Today this scripture is fulfilled in your hearing.”  -Luke 4:18-21

All the people in the synagogue were furious when they heard this. They got up, drove him out of the town, and took him to the brow of the hill on which the town was built, in order to throw him off the cliff. But he walked right through the crowd and went on his way.  -Luke 4:28-30

When Jesus returned to his home town of Nazareth he was rejected by his family and friends.  They even attempted to throw him off the cliff above.  I can relate.  At the same time that I had a revival in my life, my wife rejected Christ from her life.  She hated the light that she saw in me, and started having an affair.  There are even friends that have pushed away from me now that they see that God is first and foremost in my life.  If you are experiencing this kind of rejection, take heart, for your Lord and Savior Jesus Christ suffered the same rejection.  Don't let it keep you from fully serving Him.

Jesus said to them, "A prophet is not without honor except in his own town, among his relatives and in his own home."  -Mark 6:4

Capernaum

The Synagogue in Capernaum is just one of a couple of places that historians know for certain that Jesus walked.  Jesus was the Rabbi of this Synagogue.

And He came down to Capernaum, a city of Galilee, and He was teaching them on the Sabbath; and they were amazed at His teaching, for His message was with authority. In the synagogue there was a man possessed by the spirit of an unclean demon, and he cried out with a loud voice, “Let us alone! What business do we have with each other, Jesus of Nazareth? Have You come to destroy us? I know who You are—the Holy One of God!” But Jesus rebuked him, saying, “Be quiet and come out of him!” And when the demon had thrown him down in the midst of the people, he came out of him without doing him any harm. And amazement came upon them all, and they began talking with one another saying, “What is this message? For with authority and power He commands the unclean spirits and they come out.” And the report about Him was spreading into every locality in the surrounding district.  -Luke 4:31-37

According to Juda this is the only accurate depiction of the Ark of the Covenant on the face of the Earth.

A Menorah (Jewish Candle) can be seen carved into this excavated block that rests to the left of the Synagogue.

Below is an ancient millstone.  Juda explains to us how fisherman in Jesus' time used broken millstones as boat anchors.

"If anyone causes one of these little ones--those who believe in me--to stumble, it would be better for them if a large millstone were hung around their neck and they were thrown into the sea.  -Mark 9:42

I need to ask myself, have I ever been a stumbling block to someone on their faith journey?  Have you?

The Sea of Galilee

As I approach the Sea of Galilee I find myself in tears.  Luckily I am wearing sunglasses that hide my eyes.  It's as if it finally hits me where I am and what I am doing.  A feeling of absolute thankfulness and worship sweeps over me, and this is just day one!  The Spirit whispers to my heart, "It gets even better..."

This 2000 year old boat was discovered in 1984.

Before boarding our boat, I climb down the rocks and fill a bottle with water from the Sea of Galilee.  I plan to do this same thing at the Jordan River and the Dead Sea.  Winds whip us as we venture out onto the Sea of Galilee.

Shortly before dawn Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. “It’s a ghost,” they said, and cried out in fear.

But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”

“Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.”

“Come,” he said.

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”

Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”

And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down. Then those who were in the boat worshiped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.”

-Matthew 14:25-33

The view of Tiberias from the Sea of Galilee.

Mark and I float on the Sea of Galilee on our way back to the hotel.  I can't convince Mark to get out of the boat and walk on the water.  If only he had more faith...

Sometimes Jesus calms the storms of our life.  Sometimes he comes out and meets us in them.  But those who love Him and have been called according to His purpose will not be left to drown.  The Lord did not take away my pain right away, He instead tested my faith and taught me many lessons through my suffering.  His will is so much wiser than mine.  What storms in your life has Jesus come out to meet you in?  How great is our God?

After just one day of exploring Israel I already feel like I have been here a week.  Or maybe even my whole life.  It's hard to explain.  I'm having a hard time sleeping here; I'm too excited and add to that the jet lag.  But there's something else.  I've been having strange and vivid dreams ever since I boarded the bus to New York.  Now that I'm in Israel the dreams have ramped-up.  The dreams are too long and too unusual to write out.  After the first night of exploring, I slept for an hour and a half.  I awoke feeling completely rejuvenated and thinking I had slept a full night - but I hadn't.  Then something compelled me, "Rise.  Write."  So I did.

Chorazin

Day 2 begins with a trip 3000 feet above sea level to the city of Chorazin, another city where Jesus was the head Rabbi (along with Capernaum & Bethsaida).  It's amazing to me to think of Jesus as head Rabbi of these 3 places all at the same time.  There is no other Rabbi in recorded Jewish history who has been under the age of 40 and unmarried.  They obviously recognized that he was something special.  They loved Him.  They came to Him for teaching.  But his followers in these three cities fell short in a pretty big way.  They failed to acknowledge Him as the Messiah.

“Woe to you, Chorazin! Woe to you, Bethsaida! For if the miracles that were performed in you had been performed in Tyre and Sidon, they would have repented long ago, sitting in sackcloth and ashes. But it will be more bearable for Tyre and Sidon at the judgment than for you.  -Luke 10:13-14

A Mikveh, or Jewish purification bath. It was used to cleanse one's self for the Shabbat.

A Beit Midrash (A Jewish school where people could ask questions about the Law).

The Synagogue of Chorazin, yet another Synagogue where Jesus was the Rabbi.

As I walk the streets of Chorazin I try to imagine myself in the first century.  If Jesus were here now, what would He say to me?  Would I listen?  Would I hold back?  Would I only accept Him part way?  Or would I give myself fully to Him?  I went through a lot of trouble to get to Israel.  I decided to travel to Israel because I believe that Jesus is the Christ, the Messiah.  I give myself fully to you, God.  Have you given yourself fully to Christ?  Fully?

Our guide, Juda, sits on the seat of Moses within the Synagogue.

"The teachers of the law and the Pharisees sit in Moses' seat. So you must be careful to do everything they tell you. But do not do what they do, for they do not practice what they preach.  -Matthew 23:2-3

Tel Dan

The tribe of Dan was located in the far north of the nation of Israel.  The Dan River is one of three sources that supply the Jordan River.  This water begins as snow and filters through Mount Hermon for 3 years (a.k.a. the Mount of Transfiguration).  The cool thing about this water is that it is pristine at this point and drinkable.  We gladly fill our water bottles with drinking water and start our hike northward.

Juda assists members of our team fill their water bottles.

Jordan means "From Dan."  As the water flows from Dan to the Jordan River and then to the Sea of Galilee, the water is young, so to speak.  Then, the water continues south through the Jordan River and ends in the Dead Sea.  Like our eternal life through Christ, the water does not die there.  Instead it evaporates and comes down in the north as snow, and is thus reborn.

Jesus answered, "Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life."  -John 4:13-14

This location has several stories about people living just outside God's law.  Abram came here to rescue Lot from his folly (Genesis 14), King Jehu killed the Baal Worshipers here (2 Kings 10:25-28), and King Jeroboam set one of his two golden calves here.

After seeking advice, the king made two golden calves. He said to the people, “It is too much for you to go up to Jerusalem. Here are your gods, Israel, who brought you up out of Egypt.” One he set up in Bethel, and the other in Dan. And this thing became a sin; the people came to worship the one at Bethel and went as far as Dan to worship the other.  -1 Kings 12:28-30

One of Jeroboam's golden calves was worshiped at the top of this staircase.  The alter for burnt offerings would have been in front of the stairs.

Jeroboam's motive was not for worship of the one true God.  No, he was looking to maintain his political power and stay on the throne.  As I think of Jeroboam, Lot, and the Israelites that have abandoned God for false idols I cannot help but think of my friends and family who are on the outside of God's will.  In Chorazine I thought about myself and whether or not I was in right standing.  My thoughts drift now to those I love.  I'm thankful to have so many many friends that have accepted and revel in God's promises.  But what about those who have strayed?  How has God asked me to pursue them?  It's not fun to think about what has gone down in Tel Dan, but these stories can still encourage us.  Has God encouraged you to pursue anyone?

Caesarea Philippi

To get to Caesarea Philippi, the most northern part of Israel, our bus has to drive between two old Syrian landmine fields.  Even today, the region nearby is in conflict.  Our bus stops 35 miles outside of Damascus and I am able to snap a photo of smoke rising into the air from the civil war raging in Syria.

The Syrian civil war rages on.

Like Tel Dan, Caesarea Philippi serves as one of the three sources of the Jordan River.

Up until about 150 years ago, this cave roared with water.  But, an earth quake changed all that.  Now the water flows from a lower section of the mountain.

This cave has a dark past.  This whole area was used for pagan worship, particularly to the false god Pan.  This is the deity that looked like a half-man half-goat (Satyr).  Followers of Pan would use this cave, known as the Gates of Hell, to make their sacrifice.  Babies would be thrown into the roaring water of the cave.  If blood appeared in the water downstream, the sacrifice was NOT accepted, and another baby would have to be thrown in.  However, if there was no blood in the water, it meant that the sacrifice had been accepted.  What a creepy place.

The large niche housed the idol for Pan.

Smaller niches also housed false gods.

How ironic, that against this pagan backdrop, Jesus brought His disciples on a retreat in Matthew 16.  They did not come here to preach.  They pulled away to Caesarea Philippi for something significant to happen.  And it did.

When Jesus came to the region of Caesarea Philippi, he asked his disciples, “Who do people say the Son of Man is?”

They replied, “Some say John the Baptist; others say Elijah; and still others, Jeremiah or one of the prophets.”

“But what about you?” he asked. “Who do you say I am?”

Simon Peter answered, “You are the Messiah, the Son of the living God.”

Jesus replied, “Blessed are you, Simon son of Jonah, for this was not revealed to you by flesh and blood, but by my Father in heaven. And I tell you that you are Peter, and on this rock I will build my church, and the gates of Hades will not overcome it. I will give you the keys of the kingdom of heaven; whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven.” Then he ordered his disciples not to tell anyone that he was the Messiah.

-Matthew 16:13-20

I, like Jesus and His disciples, have gone off on a retreat (Israel) hoping that something significant will happen.  The rock is NOT Peter, but rather, Peter's declaration of faith.  I have to ask myself as I walk this place of pagan darkness, who do I say Jesus is?  My heart is full of the Spirit.  He is the Messiah, the Son of the living God!  I praise the Father for revealing this to me!  All these niches built for false gods are empty because they were never anything to begin with.  2000 years later, their followers are gone, too.

Have you ever had something significant happen to you when you've pulled away from your routine and spent some time with the Creator of the Universe?  Have you ever made time to pull away and be with Him?

Caesarea Philippi in the time of Jesus Christ.  This was an area full of pagan temples of worship.

Our group boards the bus and we head south on the Damascus Road.  Yeah, that Damascus Road (Acts 9:1-19).

Tomorrow something significant happens, for tomorrow we are leaving Galilee and heading south where I will be baptized in the Jordan River.

***

On our last night in Galilee, those who are to be baptized the next day are told to meet in the hotel garden at 8:30 PM.  Here, we are given instruction on how the baptisms will play out and the general itinerary.  33 of us are being baptized.  I just turned 33 and walked in the footsteps of Christ, who was crucified at age 33, all the while listening to our tour guide Judas on channel 33 of my transmitter, each day working toward my 33rd blog post in a blog entitled 33 on a trip from June 13th to the 23rd (3 to 3).  Tomorrow, each of the 33 people will deliver 1 or 2 sentences as to the significance of being baptized in the Jordan River.  How can I tell anyone in 2 sentences why I'm being baptized in the Jordan tomorrow?  I've been blogging since February 2013, trying to express why I'm getting baptized tomorrow, and I still have more to say about it.  Maybe they'll let me speak a few more sentences than just 2, perhaps even 31 more.

The Power of Prayer

"Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone?  Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake?  If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!  - Matthew 7:9-11

Our 5 Churches encircled Pastor Mike.  A meeting had been called in the terminal of the Detroit Airport and 60 pilgrims stood in rapt attention.  “I’m sorry,” he told us.   “The trip has been cancelled.”

***

I sit on a couch across from my two new counselors (a married couple).  These are different counselors from the one my then wife and I had been seeing.  So far, Ryan has been doing most of the talking.  His wife, Nicole, interjects from time to time.  She is 100% blind in both eyes.

“So Mike,” Ryan asks me.  “What do you hope to accomplish from these meetings?”

“I’ve lost over a year of my life to depression,” I begin.  “I also struggle with anxiety.  I realized that I cannot do this on my own.  The depression has been growing worse rather than better.  The Spirit led me to call my doctor and call Beacon of Hope.”

***

I awake the morning of my trip with a giant smile.  The greatest adventure of my life is about to begin.  My alarm is not set to go off for another half hour but I am far too excited to sleep.  I get up and get ready with plenty of time to spare.  I decide to do my devotional along Kent Trails.  I head out the door with a mug of coffee and my blue tooth headset on.  For the next half hour I take in the wisdom of Pastor Chuck Swindoll as he delivers a sermon on authority.  His words ring with truth.

I pray to God for safety in our coming travel.  I pray that we may be a sponge and soak up as much information as He will allow.  I pray for a Spiritual fire to awaken within us as we travel to the land where the Scriptures were written.  I then head home, hop in my van, and bid farewell to my home.

At HomeFront Church there’s an energy in the air – an excitement.  Something very special is about to take place.  Pastor Josh checks me in, “Mike, can I ask you a favor?  Can you be a team leader?”

“Sure,” I say.  “What does that involve?”

Josh explains that I will be in charge of giving the thumbs up to ensure our six member team is accounted for from time to time.  I look at who is on my team and smile.  I see my good friend Mark, Josh himself, Flick (the Pastor from “Everyday Life” church), myself and 2 people that I have not met (Christine and Jordan).

From here we carpool to another Church, “Banner of Christ.”  We receive our itinerary, have some more coffee, pray over the group, and then load onto a large bus.  We need to pick up the folks from Kilpatrick, Sun Field, and Everyday Life.

From here it’s off to the Detroit airport.

***

My counselor Ryan looks over the results of the quiz I have just taken.

“According to this,” he tells me.  “You are in the 99th percentile for anxiety among males.”

I sit across from him on the couch, hunched over, my leg shaking frantically.

Nicole cuts in, “Mike, what thoughts trigger your anxiety?”

“Nothing triggers it,” I explain.  “I am anxious all of the time.  I’m never not anxious.”

“What thoughts run through your mind when you’re feeling most anxious?”  Ryan asks.

I think hard.  “I think of them together.”  I don’t tell Ryan, but by saying ‘them together’ I mean my ex-wife having sex with John.

Ryan looks directly at me, “Mike, I am going to paint a nightmare for you.”  I tense up.  “I am going to describe a scene, and we are going to help you through it with a breathing exercise.”

Ryan then instructs me on the correct way to breathe to get through a panic attack.  Then, he asks me to close my eyes…

“You’re in a movie theatre,” Ryan describes.  “You’re eating your popcorn.  The movie is about to start.  Suddenly you notice that two rows in front of you your ex-wife sits with the man she cheated on you with.  They haven’t seen you but you can see them.”

***

“What are you doing?” my ex-wife demands angrily.

The kids are on the porch, excited to see their mother.

“Aren’t you taking the kids back to your parents’ house?”  I ask.

“No, I told you, I will watch them here,” she retorts.  “I don’t have gas money to drive them back and forth.”

“In my house?”  I’m confused, taking in this sudden surprise.  Apparently I have misread her text message.  “Never mind then, I can take them with me.”

“Where are you going, anyway?”  my ex-wife asks.

“To the doctor,” I tell her.

“You’re going to the doctor on your birthday?” she is surprised.  “For what?”

“I need to get something figured out before my trip,” I explain.  “I’m on two different depression medications and they are causing problems.  I can just take the kids with me.”

But the kids are excited.  They would be terribly disappointed if they did not get to see their mommy.

“How about you come in,” I say reluctantly.  “I have to leave in a half hour.  I will take the kids with me to the doctor but come in and visit with them.”

She enters my house – a place that was once our house.  She sits down in a chair in the living room and all 3 kids gather around her with rose-colored glasses.  I sit nearby on the couch.  Any time I look at her I see John and her together so I turn and look at my fish tank instead.  I remember Ryan and Nicole’s instructions.  I begin my breathing exercises.  They work.  I get through the half hour.

***

“I guess I’ve always had a problem trusting,” I tell Ryan and Nicole.  “I’ve been betrayed by too many people.”

This revelation has come after some careful digging into my past by my counselors.

“When that anxiety comes, we can have trouble trusting God,” Ryan explains.  “Have you ever had a problem trusting Him?”

“Yes,” I confess.  “I have.  I feel very foolish for it.  I’ve had trouble trusting His will.”

“All these people may let you down,” Ryan says.  “But God never will.  He’s perfect.”

***

The excitement is still on high as we sit in the airport terminal.  We are early, and we hear that our flight has been delayed due to weather in Philadelphia (our layover before Tel Aviv).  Shortly after that, we hear that our flight has been cancelled all together.

Josh tells a group of us, “Time to pray.”  And we do.

The 5 Church pastors go off to schedule an alternate flight.  I don’t think much of it.  But what happens next shocks me.

“I’m sorry.  The trip has been cancelled.  You just can’t fit 60 people onto another plane.  I’m sorry.  The planes heading out to Tel Aviv over the next 3 days are all full.  Barring a miracle there just isn’t a way.”

I look around and I see faces of disappointment.  Some people are crying and completely wrecked.  I remember thinking that I should feel sadness, too.  I, like them, have been anticipating this trip for over a year.  I started a blog with the sole purpose of recording the journey and have been working hard on it for many many hours over that time.  I was supposed to be baptized in the Jordan.  But somehow I was at peace with the situation.  His will be done.  He must be protecting us from something, I reasoned.  He is interceding.  This is not an act of man.  God is the authority, and I’m more than okay with that fact.

So we pray.  But not just the 60 of us.  We took to Facebook, too.  Our friends, family and Church family pray, too.  We had to figure out a way back.  This was going to be a long ride home.

***

“I was able to use the breathing exercise,” I tell Ryan and Nicole.  “It worked.  My ex-wife came over to my house for a half hour.”

“That’s great news,” Ryan replies.  “Mike, tell me, your ex-wife is your enemy, isn’t she?”

The question takes me off guard, and not because the thought of my ex-wife being my enemy surprises me.  No, the reason I’m off guard is because I’ve thought about my ex-wife as being my enemy already.  I’ve meditated on it.  I’ve almost blogged about it but I thought people would not understand.

I gather my thoughts for a moment and then recite verbatim something that had almost been written in my blog, “We as Christians do have enemies.  We are told about this in Scripture.  If I had to classify my ex-wife as either ally, neutral, or enemy, she would fall into the enemy category.”

“Yes, this isn’t Disney Land Christianity is it?”  Ryan tells me.  “True Christianity is Jesus up on the cross.”

I understand what he’s trying to say.  He’s telling me something I would never hear on a Sunday morning in Church because it’s a tough lesson.  However, it’s truth.  We have enemies as Christians.  My ex-wife is one of them.  It helps me to classify her as that.  For some reason it does.  When I try to put her in the wrong slot (either ally or neutral) she doesn’t fit.  There are too many emotions tied to those other two slots.

“But I pray for my enemies,” I tell Ryan.

***

Facebook is exploding with people in prayer for us as I scan my news feed.

“Another group meeting!” pastor Josh calls out.  I notice something in his tone.  He has good news.

Daryl, the Pastor from Kilpatrick, addresses the crowd.  “We learned of 3 planes that leave from New York tomorrow night.  If we can get to New York, we could all get to Israel.  We would lose one day of the trip.  Is this something you all want to do?”

“YES!” we exclaim.  It's unanimous.

Even though I have been calm about the whole situation, a joy rises up in me, “WHOOOOO!”  I shout.  There are a few laughs.

A woman in our group, Betty Besteman, gets on her phone.  She works for a bus company.  She thinks she can get us to New York.

***

“Jen, thank you for coming to this session.  I want you to be a part of it, an active member,” Ryan tells her.  “I’m going to ask you something, then I’m going to ask Mike the same question.  Is that okay?”

“Sure,” replies Jen.

“How would you describe a good Christian relationship between a girlfriend and boyfriend?” he inquires.

Jen lists several things:

• Come up next to each other and do life together.
• Point each other toward God.
• Support each other.
• To enjoy each other and enjoy God together.

“Mike,” Ryan turns to me.  “How would you describe a good Christian relationship?”

“Everything she said,” I tell him.  “I would add honesty.  Loyalty.  No sex before marriage.”

“So you mention marriage,” Ryan interjects.  “Is marriage something you talk about?”

“Yeah,” I tell him.  “We are both very cautious and in no rush.  But at our age, if marriage is not the end goal we would not be dating.  So far there have been no red flags.”

“Good,” Ryan says.

***

Mark Horjes and I on our way to New York City.

Our bus ride has just begun.  We have 10 hours of open road ahead of us.  Betty has come through.  The adventure continues.  Someone puts in a CD of Christian music.  The very first song is “Amazing Grace.”  As it plays I hear several on the bus begin singing quietly.  I join in.

Just then the bus swerves to the left.  Whew, we just missed an SUV that had decided to pull off the shoulder into our path.  That could have been bad.

“Thank you God,” I pray.  “Please guide us safely.  Please get us to your Promise Land.”

There is a detour along the way and we find ourselves in tight quarters going through the streets of Brooklyn breaking tree branches in our huge bus.  But God sees us through.  The Promise Land awaits.

***

We have a day to kill in JFK Airport...

Pastor Josh (left) and Pastor Flick (right) killing time.

Mark says he'll give me a dollar if I ride the luggage return.

Mark and I killing time.

“Everyone, we need to move to the check-in line,” announces Pastor Josh hurriedly.

We had spent the day in JFK airport in shifts guarding our luggage.  Kilpatrick and Banner of Christ were in Newark awaiting their flight.

As we gather our luggage and begin moving toward the escalator, news spreads through the crowd that our tickets may not be any good.  I’m very confused by this but I’m not a frequent flyer.  The plan is to be the first in line.  Our group lines up near the baggage check station an hour early.  At the sight of this about 100+ other travelers that are going to Israel line-up behind us.

An Israeli security representative comes up to our group, “Who is your leader?”

“I am,” announces Josh.

“Please, step over here with me,” he directs Josh off to the side.

I try to eaves drop on the conversation.  Security is grilling Josh about our trip.  I’m not surprised by this.  Josh warned us that Israeli security is tight.  At last he lets us enter.

I’m among the first to line-up to check my bag.  However, there is something wrong with my ticket.  I’m told to get out of line and go to another desk outside the baggage check area.  I see that Josh is already there with a couple of other members of our group.  When it’s my turn, I hand the person behind the desk my ticket.  He types on his computer and then hands my ticket back to me, “You’re all set.”

“Where do I go now, back to the end of the line?”  I ask.

"No, go back to the person who sent you here," he explains.

I roll my bags back to the front.  I present my ticket.  Typing occurs.

"Do you have a bag to check?"

"Yes, this one," I lift it onto the belt.

She prints me a new ticket and tells me to head to my left.  I move toward Josh, Mark and a few other members of the group.

"Did you get a boarding pass?" asks Cheryl Reiffer, a member of HomeFront Church.

"Yes, here," I show her my ticket.

"We are on standby," she tells me.

"Who?"

"All of us."

"What does that mean?"

"We have to wait until an hour before the flight leaves to know if we are getting on.  You have to go that way through security."

"Now?"

"Yes, now."

I roll my baggage up to a gate, present my passport and boarding pass.  I'm waved through and am now in a fast moving line.  I look around.  I see no one from our group.  I think to myself, "Am I going to Israel alone?"

I keep moving.  I'm nearing security.  "Please remove your shoes.  If you have a laptop, please take it out of the bag.  Remove everything from your pockets."  I do, scrambling to fill up 4 different bins with all my stuff.

As I watch my things float through the x-ray machine I am frisked.  "Sir, what is that?"  I'm asked.

He is touching a pouch under my shirt that holds my money.  I'm asked to step out of the line.  I have to take it off, which is awkward with my shirt on.  Meanwhile my wallet and passport have made it through the x-ray machine along with all my other stuff.  I keep an eye on it as other folks gather their items next to it.

"Okay, you're free to go," I'm told.

I start to gather my belongings, "Keep the belt moving," we are told.  I grab my things in a heap, bring them to a bench, and begin to reassemble, starting with my wallet, passport and shoes.

"Now what?"  I think to myself, still not seeing anyone familiar.  I look at my boarding pass and see Gate 29 listed.  I begin moving in that direction.  All of the sudden I notice I'm coming up to 4 members of our group!  We are all elated that each other made it, and concerned for those who didn't.  We begin exchanging information.

As we sit together, more members start arriving, including Pastor Flick.  We soon learn that we have 11 members that are on standby.  This is not good.  What is even worse is that in Newark, the entire group is without tickets.  This is not what we sat 10 hours on a bus for!  God is the authority here, I tell myself.

I put out a prayer request on Facebook for our situation.  The petitions to our Heavenly Father begin anew.  Several of us bow our heads in prayer, led by Pastor Flick.

The boarding call comes.  Those of us who made it through security are among the first rows to be seated.  We file aboard, not knowing the outcome of the rest of our group.  This is a huge 400 seat 747.  I'm near the back of the plane with Pastor Flick.  Flick gets off his phone and turns to me, "All 11 have been allowed on the plane!"  Apparently 20 passengers coming from Phoenix did not make the flight.

"That's great news!"  I exclaim.  "Any word from Newark?"

"I haven't heard anything in a while.  Last I knew they still did not have tickets."

Not too long after that I see Pastor Josh walking by.  He looks exhausted and worn out.  We were 2 days without a shower or a change of clothes.  Josh has worked so hard to get us to this point, and by the grace of God he has.

Flick turns to me, "Can you go tell Josh, all the people from Newark got on the plane.  We are all going to make it to Israel!"

I trust you Lord.  You taught me what depression is so that I could help those that are depressed.  You taught me what anxiety is so that I may cast my worry onto you.  You give to bless me.  You take away so that I may better appreciate your blessings.  You are my rock.  You are the reason I experienced no anxiety throughout this whole process.  You answered our prayers and you kept a smile on my face the whole time.  Thank you Lord.

I guess the Detroit Airport won't be needing these...

"If the LORD is pleased with us, then He will bring us into this land and give it to us--a land which flows with milk and honey.  -Numbers 14:8

A Haunted Mind

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

- Philipians 4:6-8

"I will take on all the extra work that comes with a second child, I promise," my wife tells me as we walk down the trail pushing our 1 year old Josie in a stroller.  She has been asking for a second child for 6 months now.  This was not what we had agreed on when we got married.  It had always been one or none.  Josie was a happy happy accident, praise God.  I thought we were done at one.

"Okay," I say.

"Really?"

"Yes," I tell her.  "I'm not going to deny you a second child."

She gets excited.  I know she likes being pregnant.

"You promise that you'll take on the extra work?" I ask.  "I'm involved in a lot of things.  Can I have this in writing?  Ha ha ha," I laugh.

Promises were not followed through on.  I stepped-up.  Slowly I was taking on a new identity.  But, for every 2 hobbies I gave up I added 1 more.  I found it hard to drop my old identity.  I compromised.  For example, instead of giving up my poker league (that I ran) completely, I took it down from 14 tournaments a year to 8.  I tried to hold on to my old self.  But, my tower would soon come down completely.  I did not lose my identity because of Brynn, my second child.  I lost my identity because of a broken promise and also because of my own failure to put God first.

My then wife's identity changed, too.  I recall reading a writing assignment that she had wrote in one of her college classes.  She described how she loved to read books in her youth.  Now, she has no time.  When she thinks of books now she sees kids' books scattered all over the floor and stepped on and ripped.

I stayed true to my family.  I did not walk away or stray.  I did not change my identity perfectly; I resisted along the way.  In fact, I resented my wife for her many broken promises.

Today, I embrace totally my new identity.  I no longer need to take Xanax for the panic attacks.  I'm a dad of 3 amazing kids.  My girlfriend Jen wants a "boat load" of kids.  If I stay the course with Jen, and we one day marry, I would be fine having more.  My new identity involves adding to the Kingdom of Heaven and helping these kids become disciples.

***

I roll over in bed "I can't sleep" I tell my wife.

"Why?" she asks.

"I'm not sure," I reply.  "I thought this night anxiety was due to alcohol, but we didn't drink tonight..."

I think for a moment and then it hits me, "My anxiety has to do with the kids!"  It all made sense now.  I only had anxiety at night when the kids were staying with grandparents.  They spent the night with their grandparents about once a month so that my wife and I could have a date night.  I had always assumed my anxiety came from the alcohol that we would drink on our date night.  But I was wrong.  I hadn't had a drop.

My anxiety had always been a mystery to me.  All I knew was that I felt it.  I had to use logic to figure out why.  It felt like a pit in my chest, an ache, an almost physical pain.

Along with anxiety I deal with depression.  In fact, the entirety of this blog was written while depressed with the exception of the first 2 weeks after my wife came back on Pentecost.  I talked before about the 3 enemies that I face.  With depression, I feel like I'm up against all 3.  Sometimes it's hard to discern which one is attacking.  The Enemy whispers his lies to me and if I believe them they bring me down.  The Fallen World resulted in my wife cheating on me in the first place.  Add to that The Traitor, my fallen body, and the chemicals that are not working properly.

Depression robs you of your drive for life.  I found it impossible to get excited for fun events.  Even in the midst of a "good time" all I could focus on was the coming darkness; the fact that this event will end.  I went and played drop-in hockey recently.  Of all the things in my tower that I had given up I probably miss hockey the most.  I feel like God wrote hockey on my heart.  I actually enjoyed my time playing hockey that day.  But it did not fill me; afterward I felt empty and hollow.

***

My wife and I are driving home from a wedding reception.  We are both dressed-up and looking nice.  A baby sitter has been recruited for the evening.  We have been looking forward to this opportunity for a long time, a chance to go out together on a quasi-date night sans kids.  Unfortunately, we are heading home from the reception early; we did not even get to eat dinner.  This is because work called; I was supposed to be at the theater tonight running the projection booth.  For some reason I did not write down my schedule correctly.

"What if I put in my two weeks?" I ask my wife.  She is upset.  "We can figure out the budget.  I don't want to be doing too much.  We can get by on my website business."

That night while at work I put in my 2 week notice to a job I have had for 13 years.

***

My 5 year old, Josie, looks up at me and asks, "Daddy, when is God going to fix your heart?"

I sigh.  I need to be careful with my reply.  She understands so much more about what's going on than her two younger siblings.  "He's working on it," I reply.  "I loved mommy a lot and I died pretty deep."

I was not the only one in the house with a broken heart.  Though she tried to hide it, I would catch Josie crying quietly.  Brynn, my 3 year old, would go into her room and just lay on her bed alone and awake.  The first thing I said when my wife told me that she had cheated on me was, "What have you done to the kids?"  I've had a front row seat to what she's done to the kids and it crushes me with sadness.  I hold my kids close and try to comfort them.  Brynn cries out for a mommy that is not coming home.  I rock her and tell her, "I know.  I know."  Mommy did not just cheat on me, she cheated on them, too.

I look around my house and yard sometimes.  I recall moving here with just my wife and no children.  My wife is gone but three brand new souls reside here with me.  It feels surreal.  I remember falling in love with this home, walking through it will our Realtor.  I remember thinking that I hope my wife loves it, too.  She did.  Everything feels older and used now.

***

"Brynn, are you f***ing retarded?"  my wife yells at the then 2 year old.

My patience is gone.  I've already talked to my wife about calling the kids names three times.  Despite her promises to stop the verbal abuse continued.  Angrily I enter the kitchen and flip a chair to the ground, "You will not speak to my children like that!  It ends now!"

The kids are crying.  Was this righteous anger?  The name calling does stop this time.  She never again speaks to the kids like that.

Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not give the devil an opportunity.  Ephesians 4:26-27

***

I'm driving.  In the back seat the kids are fighting and crying.  My wife is getting upset at the kids.

"You know," I tell her.  "You're going to miss this one day when they are older."

"No I won't," she declares emphatically.  I have no idea at the time, but she is in the midst of an affair when she makes this statement.

I don't know who was right that day - probably her.  It's hard at times being a single dad, but I roll with it.  I have custody and I would never change that.  I love love love having these kids call my home their home - and I will miss this one day.

Do not get me wrong, my ex-wife loves her kids.  But I'm convinced she does not love being a mom.  She felt trapped and controlled by the domestic lifestyle.  Now she gets what she wants:  48 hours a week with the kids to say, "Look how cute," and plenty of nights to spend with her boyfriend.

***

"Want to play Words With Friends?" my wife asks me as we sit in the living room watching TV.

"Sure!" I reply.

We start a game, each of us on our own cell phone.  I'm in the recliner and she sits on the couch.  I'm winning the game.  In fact, I'm winning too easily.  That's because this whole charade is ploy to text with John without seeming suspicious.  I'm oblivious.

I relive a lot of moments during the month of her infidelity.  They haunt me as I put them into the correct perspective.

***

My aunt Sue lies on her death bed.  She found out about the cancer the same month I found out about my wife's infidelity.  Through these tragedies a connection was made between the two of us and we walked together from time to time.  I sent her links to the same songs and Bible verses that helped me cope.  We both fought, I for my marriage and her for her life.  We both lost; my marriage had dissolved and I held tight her hand as she lived her last day on earth.

But in a way neither of us lost.  Sue was going to be with her Heavenly Father.  She would receive her new body in the resurrection, one free of cancer.  And I had Jen, a noble woman and a devout follower of Christ.

But why am I still depressed?

***

Brynn looks around, "Where's mommy?"

"I don't know, she's supposed to be here," I tell her.

Josie is up on stage singing at her "Farewell Celebration."  This is her last week of school before the summer.  My ex-wife had told the kids that she was coming.  I've received no message to the contrary.  She's now starting to break promises to the kids just like she broke promises to me.  My mom, who sits next to me, says that this won't be the last time mommy doesn't show.  Part of me does not believe it.

The next day, mommy does not show up for Josie's dentist appointment.  She told us that she would come.

I text her, "Where were you today and yesterday?"

The excuses start...  I'm used to them.

***

It's my wife's birthday and we at the bar with a group of her friends.  My wife and I are supposed to be reconciling but it has not been going well.  Across the street from the bar I notice that a band is playing.  I know the bass guitarist.  I ask my wife if she wants to go with me and say hi and listen to the band play a song; I figure it would be an exciting little side adventure for us.  She says no.  I drop the idea and stay at the bar.

Not much later I realize that I have not seen my wife in a while.  That's because she sneaked off to hear that band play - but with one of her guy friends instead of me.

***

I'm downstairs in my office working on a website as part of my job.  I see a stock photo on a new template.  It's a picture of a woman smiling.  She's happy, genuinely happy.  I know she's just a model posing for a photo, but her smile is not acting.  Her smile is full of a zeal for life.  My soul sinks because I realize that I'm not capable of smiling like that anymore.

***

One day I realized that my depression was getting worse, not better.  The emotional abuse my ex-wife put me through still takes its toll.  She had also been verbally abusive to the kids.  I had fallen in love with someone manipulative and controlling and I was paying the price.  I was neglecting my prayer life.  The anxiety and depression was preventing me from reveling in Christ.  I needed to be done being bitter.  I realized that I could not fix this by myself.  I could just wait and give it another year, but I would never get the chance to be 33 again.  I've already lost over a year of my life to depression.  I resolved to seek help.  The Spirit led me to two solutions.  I contact my doctor and setup an appointment.  I also contact Beacon of Hope so that I could begin seeing a counselor weekly.

It's important to notice when the Spirit is calling you to act.  The Advocate will not act for you.  You have a role to play.  Beware those who reject the concept of works and good deeds, or those who say you have no role to play, or whom deny the Great Commission.  For though God's grace has saved us, we should mature and grow to the next level of our faith.  You do have a role to play.  Paul's letters were NOT written to the Holy Spirit, they were written to humans.  God will provide the strength and the path but you still have to walk it.  Jesus left but he sent the Advocate to live in you.  Don't waste this gift!  Follow the path, be kingdom builders.  Make disciples.  You will have to stand in the presence of your God one day.  Remember the parable of the bags of gold (Matthew 25:14-30)!  Choose the word of God over the word of a human downplaying works and good deeds.  The words of anyone who says such things is in direct opposition to God's revealed word through scripture.  I am not saying that works = salvation.  I'm saying that when God says turn to the right or turn to the left, do it!  You are not a marionette.  You have to do it.

James 1:22
Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says.

John 14:21
Whoever has my commands and keeps them is the one who loves me. The one who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I too will love them and show myself to them.”

1 John 5:3
In fact, this is love for God: to keep his commands. And his commands are not burdensome,

Luke 6:46-49
“Why do you call me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ and do not do what I say? As for everyone who comes to me and hears my words and puts them into practice, I will show you what they are like. They are like a man building a house, who dug down deep and laid the foundation on rock. When a flood came, the torrent struck that house but could not shake it, because it was well built. But the one who hears my words and does not put them into practice is like a man who built a house on the ground without a foundation. The moment the torrent struck that house, it collapsed and its destruction was complete.”

James 1:25
But whoever looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues in it—not forgetting what they have heard, but doing it—they will be blessed in what they do.

I called my doctor and I called Beacon of Hope.

***

"You tried it on your own for over a year," my doctor tells me.  "I would not have made it as long as you.  Seriously.  We are going to get you some help."

He prescribes me Wellbutrin for my depression.  I pick up the prescription the next day.  After starting the medication I experience 2 days of horrible awful depression.  But, on the 3rd day I experience euphoria.  Everything feels awesome and I don't have a care in the world.  This feeling does not last and the medication evens out.  Even though euphoria dissipates relief remains.  It's as if there's a block preventing certain thoughts from pushing me off the precipice and into a pit of depression from which I cannot climb out.  The medication works.  It makes me similar to who I was before the dark tragedy happened to me.  Jen notices a change in me.  I talk about my ex-wife less, I smile more, I'm happier.

The opposite of depression is not happiness, rather, it is a drive for life.  I'm not always happy now, but fun events don't leave me empty.  I no longer dwell on the moment events will end or friends will leave.  I enjoy the moment as it was meant to be.  I thank God for that, because Israel is coming quickly.

***

I receive a text message from my ex-wife.  It reads, "I hope one day everyone sees what a horrible person you are."

***

Jen sits next to me on my couch.  "How are we doing?"  I ask.  "You and I.  Are we okay?"

"Yes, we are doing better than okay," Jen tells me.  "I don't know why she gave you up."

***

My trip is just two weeks away.  My ex-wife texts me, demanding to have my grocery money for the week that I will be gone and also to be able to stay in my house.  I am finding out now, just 2 weeks from the trip, that her parents have a problem with the kids being in their house all week.

But this was not the agreement.  Four months earlier I had watched the kids for a week straight so that my ex-wife could go to Florida - that was the trade.  Now, she is threatening not to watch them at all.  Once again this Israel trip is under threat and may not be able to happen.

Finally she comes to her senses and agrees to take the kids - without my money and my home involved.  At this point she is about $1200 behind on child support and the number is growing.

***

The Wellbutrin has cured my depression, but the anxiety still exists.  I wake up at 4 AM and cannot fall back asleep.  Once again I have difficulty identifying the source of the anxiety.  I now get anxious even when my kids are home with me.  I lose a lot of sleep.  After 6 weeks of being on Wellbutrin I have an appointment with my doctor to report on the results.  When he hears about my anxiety I'm prescribed Paxil.  So now, I have to take Wellbutrin in the morning and Paxil in the evening - 2 antidepressants.

But the Paxil has an adverse effect on me right away.  Though the Paxil is prescribed to fight the anxiety, it instead brings my anxiousness to new heights.  In fact, I had no idea what anxiousness was until I started taking Paxil.  I start grinding my teeth, pacing, my leg will not stop wiggling.  A pit sits in my chest 24 hours a day.  And once again, I feel anxious about nothing at all.  But it's there and it is INTENSE.

I give the Paxil time, about 2 weeks.  But the anxiety does not get any better.  So, I call my doctor's office.  The nurse tells me to stop taking Paxil and to come in the next day.  I would be leaving on my trip to Israel in mere days and they wanted to deal with this issue before my departure.  The very next day after stopping Paxil I feel 10 times better.  My doctor's office instead prescribes me Propranolol, a situational anxiety pill rather than a daily anxiety pill.

4 different medications later (Xanax, Wellbutrin, Paxil, Propranolol) my biology seems to be under control - and just in time for my trip.  In fact, the first day I felt really better was on my 33rd birthday, two days before my trip to Israel.  This is when I truly began to feel the excitement and crave the adventure upcoming.  I am thankful that the anxiety and depression that I experienced will help me to help others going through the same feelings.  I will be able to empathize.  I can show them that I am no longer a prisoner to anxiety and depression, that there is hope for them, too.  Praise be to God!  I am so grateful for the leading of the Spirit.  Pastor Chuck Swindoll once said, "Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it."  I believe that to be true.  Despite what has happened to me, life is good.  My reaction to my misfortune has been to seek God.

Also, I am set to arrive in Israel exactly 100 days after being free of my ex-wife's websites.  I feel like a prisoner who has been set free!

I have taken up hockey again.  As I said before, God wrote that sport on my heart.  My first game was not very good.  Jen got to see me lose 8-0 in the beer leagues.  But, by the second game, I was back to my old self, winning 6-4 and getting applause as I walked into the locker room.  I remain humble, because before that second game I decided to put into words why I was returning to hockey.  You see, hockey was part of my tower that had come down.  I had been the starting goalie for the Washington D.C. Fillibusters in Major League Roller Hockey's AA division.  We had won the league championship in the finals against the Chicago Rollersnakes.  But, I hadn't been playing hockey for the right reasons.  I had been playing for my own pride and glory.  Now, I look forward to the day I can praise Jesus, and point to how He stayed with me through the lows and brought me back to the top in hockey.  I play hockey to one day proclaim that.  I want hockey to be a jewel in a crown that I can lay at His feet.

Though you have made me see troubles,
    many and bitter,
    you will restore my life again;
from the depths of the earth
    you will again bring me up.
You will increase my honor
    and comfort me once more.

Psalm 71:20-21

***

I lay in bed.  I'm awake, but it's not because of anxiety.  I'm awake because I'm extremely excited about the adventure that starts tomorrow.  Tomorrow I leave home and set off on a life changing adventure to the holy land, Israel, a land God himself holds in great importance.  I will never read my Bible the same again.  Now that's something worth losing a little sleep over.