Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.
- Philipians 4:6-8
"I will take on all the extra work that comes with a second child, I promise," my wife tells me as we walk down the trail pushing our 1 year old Josie in a stroller. She has been asking for a second child for 6 months now. This was not what we had agreed on when we got married. It had always been one or none. Josie was a happy happy accident, praise God. I thought we were done at one.
"Okay," I say.
"Really?"
"Yes," I tell her. "I'm not going to deny you a second child."
She gets excited. I know she likes being pregnant.
"You promise that you'll take on the extra work?" I ask. "I'm involved in a lot of things. Can I have this in writing? Ha ha ha," I laugh.
Promises were not followed through on. I stepped-up. Slowly I was taking on a new identity. But, for every 2 hobbies I gave up I added 1 more. I found it hard to drop my old identity. I compromised. For example, instead of giving up my poker league (that I ran) completely, I took it down from 14 tournaments a year to 8. I tried to hold on to my old self. But, my tower would soon come down completely. I did not lose my identity because of Brynn, my second child. I lost my identity because of a broken promise and also because of my own failure to put God first.
My then wife's identity changed, too. I recall reading a writing assignment that she had wrote in one of her college classes. She described how she loved to read books in her youth. Now, she has no time. When she thinks of books now she sees kids' books scattered all over the floor and stepped on and ripped.
I stayed true to my family. I did not walk away or stray. I did not change my identity perfectly; I resisted along the way. In fact, I resented my wife for her many broken promises.
Today, I embrace totally my new identity. I no longer need to take Xanax for the panic attacks. I'm a dad of 3 amazing kids. My girlfriend Jen wants a "boat load" of kids. If I stay the course with Jen, and we one day marry, I would be fine having more. My new identity involves adding to the Kingdom of Heaven and helping these kids become disciples.
***
I roll over in bed "I can't sleep" I tell my wife.
"Why?" she asks.
"I'm not sure," I reply. "I thought this night anxiety was due to alcohol, but we didn't drink tonight..."
I think for a moment and then it hits me, "My anxiety has to do with the kids!" It all made sense now. I only had anxiety at night when the kids were staying with grandparents. They spent the night with their grandparents about once a month so that my wife and I could have a date night. I had always assumed my anxiety came from the alcohol that we would drink on our date night. But I was wrong. I hadn't had a drop.
My anxiety had always been a mystery to me. All I knew was that I felt it. I had to use logic to figure out why. It felt like a pit in my chest, an ache, an almost physical pain.
Along with anxiety I deal with depression. In fact, the entirety of this blog was written while depressed with the exception of the first 2 weeks after my wife came back on Pentecost. I talked before about the 3 enemies that I face. With depression, I feel like I'm up against all 3. Sometimes it's hard to discern which one is attacking. The Enemy whispers his lies to me and if I believe them they bring me down. The Fallen World resulted in my wife cheating on me in the first place. Add to that The Traitor, my fallen body, and the chemicals that are not working properly.
Depression robs you of your drive for life. I found it impossible to get excited for fun events. Even in the midst of a "good time" all I could focus on was the coming darkness; the fact that this event will end. I went and played drop-in hockey recently. Of all the things in my tower that I had given up I probably miss hockey the most. I feel like God wrote hockey on my heart. I actually enjoyed my time playing hockey that day. But it did not fill me; afterward I felt empty and hollow.
***
My wife and I are driving home from a wedding reception. We are both dressed-up and looking nice. A baby sitter has been recruited for the evening. We have been looking forward to this opportunity for a long time, a chance to go out together on a quasi-date night sans kids. Unfortunately, we are heading home from the reception early; we did not even get to eat dinner. This is because work called; I was supposed to be at the theater tonight running the projection booth. For some reason I did not write down my schedule correctly.
"What if I put in my two weeks?" I ask my wife. She is upset. "We can figure out the budget. I don't want to be doing too much. We can get by on my website business."
That night while at work I put in my 2 week notice to a job I have had for 13 years.
***
My 5 year old, Josie, looks up at me and asks, "Daddy, when is God going to fix your heart?"
I sigh. I need to be careful with my reply. She understands so much more about what's going on than her two younger siblings. "He's working on it," I reply. "I loved mommy a lot and I died pretty deep."
I was not the only one in the house with a broken heart. Though she tried to hide it, I would catch Josie crying quietly. Brynn, my 3 year old, would go into her room and just lay on her bed alone and awake. The first thing I said when my wife told me that she had cheated on me was, "What have you done to the kids?" I've had a front row seat to what she's done to the kids and it crushes me with sadness. I hold my kids close and try to comfort them. Brynn cries out for a mommy that is not coming home. I rock her and tell her, "I know. I know." Mommy did not just cheat on me, she cheated on them, too.
I look around my house and yard sometimes. I recall moving here with just my wife and no children. My wife is gone but three brand new souls reside here with me. It feels surreal. I remember falling in love with this home, walking through it will our Realtor. I remember thinking that I hope my wife loves it, too. She did. Everything feels older and used now.
***
"Brynn, are you f***ing retarded?" my wife yells at the then 2 year old.
My patience is gone. I've already talked to my wife about calling the kids names three times. Despite her promises to stop the verbal abuse continued. Angrily I enter the kitchen and flip a chair to the ground, "You will not speak to my children like that! It ends now!"
The kids are crying. Was this righteous anger? The name calling does stop this time. She never again speaks to the kids like that.
Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not give the devil an opportunity. Ephesians 4:26-27
***
I'm driving. In the back seat the kids are fighting and crying. My wife is getting upset at the kids.
"You know," I tell her. "You're going to miss this one day when they are older."
"No I won't," she declares emphatically. I have no idea at the time, but she is in the midst of an affair when she makes this statement.
I don't know who was right that day - probably her. It's hard at times being a single dad, but I roll with it. I have custody and I would never change that. I love love love having these kids call my home their home - and I will miss this one day.
Do not get me wrong, my ex-wife loves her kids. But I'm convinced she does not love being a mom. She felt trapped and controlled by the domestic lifestyle. Now she gets what she wants: 48 hours a week with the kids to say, "Look how cute," and plenty of nights to spend with her boyfriend.
***
"Want to play Words With Friends?" my wife asks me as we sit in the living room watching TV.
"Sure!" I reply.
We start a game, each of us on our own cell phone. I'm in the recliner and she sits on the couch. I'm winning the game. In fact, I'm winning too easily. That's because this whole charade is ploy to text with John without seeming suspicious. I'm oblivious.
I relive a lot of moments during the month of her infidelity. They haunt me as I put them into the correct perspective.
***
My aunt Sue lies on her death bed. She found out about the cancer the same month I found out about my wife's infidelity. Through these tragedies a connection was made between the two of us and we walked together from time to time. I sent her links to the same songs and Bible verses that helped me cope. We both fought, I for my marriage and her for her life. We both lost; my marriage had dissolved and I held tight her hand as she lived her last day on earth.
But in a way neither of us lost. Sue was going to be with her Heavenly Father. She would receive her new body in the resurrection, one free of cancer. And I had Jen, a noble woman and a devout follower of Christ.
But why am I still depressed?
***
Brynn looks around, "Where's mommy?"
"I don't know, she's supposed to be here," I tell her.
Josie is up on stage singing at her "Farewell Celebration." This is her last week of school before the summer. My ex-wife had told the kids that she was coming. I've received no message to the contrary. She's now starting to break promises to the kids just like she broke promises to me. My mom, who sits next to me, says that this won't be the last time mommy doesn't show. Part of me does not believe it.
The next day, mommy does not show up for Josie's dentist appointment. She told us that she would come.
I text her, "Where were you today and yesterday?"
The excuses start... I'm used to them.
***
It's my wife's birthday and we at the bar with a group of her friends. My wife and I are supposed to be reconciling but it has not been going well. Across the street from the bar I notice that a band is playing. I know the bass guitarist. I ask my wife if she wants to go with me and say hi and listen to the band play a song; I figure it would be an exciting little side adventure for us. She says no. I drop the idea and stay at the bar.
Not much later I realize that I have not seen my wife in a while. That's because she sneaked off to hear that band play - but with one of her guy friends instead of me.
***
I'm downstairs in my office working on a website as part of my job. I see a stock photo on a new template. It's a picture of a woman smiling. She's happy, genuinely happy. I know she's just a model posing for a photo, but her smile is not acting. Her smile is full of a zeal for life. My soul sinks because I realize that I'm not capable of smiling like that anymore.
***
One day I realized that my depression was getting worse, not better. The emotional abuse my ex-wife put me through still takes its toll. She had also been verbally abusive to the kids. I had fallen in love with someone manipulative and controlling and I was paying the price. I was neglecting my prayer life. The anxiety and depression was preventing me from reveling in Christ. I needed to be done being bitter. I realized that I could not fix this by myself. I could just wait and give it another year, but I would never get the chance to be 33 again. I've already lost over a year of my life to depression. I resolved to seek help. The Spirit led me to two solutions. I contact my doctor and setup an appointment. I also contact Beacon of Hope so that I could begin seeing a counselor weekly.
It's important to notice when the Spirit is calling you to act. The Advocate will not act for you. You have a role to play. Beware those who reject the concept of works and good deeds, or those who say you have no role to play, or whom deny the Great Commission. For though God's grace has saved us, we should mature and grow to the next level of our faith. You do have a role to play. Paul's letters were NOT written to the Holy Spirit, they were written to humans. God will provide the strength and the path but you still have to walk it. Jesus left but he sent the Advocate to live in you. Don't waste this gift! Follow the path, be kingdom builders. Make disciples. You will have to stand in the presence of your God one day. Remember the parable of the bags of gold (Matthew 25:14-30)! Choose the word of God over the word of a human downplaying works and good deeds. The words of anyone who says such things is in direct opposition to God's revealed word through scripture. I am not saying that works = salvation. I'm saying that when God says turn to the right or turn to the left, do it! You are not a marionette. You have to do it.
James 1:22
Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says.
John 14:21
Whoever has my commands and keeps them is the one who loves me. The one who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I too will love them and show myself to them.”
1 John 5:3
In fact, this is love for God: to keep his commands. And his commands are not burdensome,
Luke 6:46-49
“Why do you call me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ and do not do what I say? As for everyone who comes to me and hears my words and puts them into practice, I will show you what they are like. They are like a man building a house, who dug down deep and laid the foundation on rock. When a flood came, the torrent struck that house but could not shake it, because it was well built. But the one who hears my words and does not put them into practice is like a man who built a house on the ground without a foundation. The moment the torrent struck that house, it collapsed and its destruction was complete.”
James 1:25
But whoever looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues in it—not forgetting what they have heard, but doing it—they will be blessed in what they do.
I called my doctor and I called Beacon of Hope.
***
"You tried it on your own for over a year," my doctor tells me. "I would not have made it as long as you. Seriously. We are going to get you some help."
He prescribes me Wellbutrin for my depression. I pick up the prescription the next day. After starting the medication I experience 2 days of horrible awful depression. But, on the 3rd day I experience euphoria. Everything feels awesome and I don't have a care in the world. This feeling does not last and the medication evens out. Even though euphoria dissipates relief remains. It's as if there's a block preventing certain thoughts from pushing me off the precipice and into a pit of depression from which I cannot climb out. The medication works. It makes me similar to who I was before the dark tragedy happened to me. Jen notices a change in me. I talk about my ex-wife less, I smile more, I'm happier.
The opposite of depression is not happiness, rather, it is a drive for life. I'm not always happy now, but fun events don't leave me empty. I no longer dwell on the moment events will end or friends will leave. I enjoy the moment as it was meant to be. I thank God for that, because Israel is coming quickly.
***
I receive a text message from my ex-wife. It reads, "I hope one day everyone sees what a horrible person you are."
***
Jen sits next to me on my couch. "How are we doing?" I ask. "You and I. Are we okay?"
"Yes, we are doing better than okay," Jen tells me. "I don't know why she gave you up."
***
My trip is just two weeks away. My ex-wife texts me, demanding to have my grocery money for the week that I will be gone and also to be able to stay in my house. I am finding out now, just 2 weeks from the trip, that her parents have a problem with the kids being in their house all week.
But this was not the agreement. Four months earlier I had watched the kids for a week straight so that my ex-wife could go to Florida - that was the trade. Now, she is threatening not to watch them at all. Once again this Israel trip is under threat and may not be able to happen.
Finally she comes to her senses and agrees to take the kids - without my money and my home involved. At this point she is about $1200 behind on child support and the number is growing.
***
The Wellbutrin has cured my depression, but the anxiety still exists. I wake up at 4 AM and cannot fall back asleep. Once again I have difficulty identifying the source of the anxiety. I now get anxious even when my kids are home with me. I lose a lot of sleep. After 6 weeks of being on Wellbutrin I have an appointment with my doctor to report on the results. When he hears about my anxiety I'm prescribed Paxil. So now, I have to take Wellbutrin in the morning and Paxil in the evening - 2 antidepressants.
But the Paxil has an adverse effect on me right away. Though the Paxil is prescribed to fight the anxiety, it instead brings my anxiousness to new heights. In fact, I had no idea what anxiousness was until I started taking Paxil. I start grinding my teeth, pacing, my leg will not stop wiggling. A pit sits in my chest 24 hours a day. And once again, I feel anxious about nothing at all. But it's there and it is INTENSE.
I give the Paxil time, about 2 weeks. But the anxiety does not get any better. So, I call my doctor's office. The nurse tells me to stop taking Paxil and to come in the next day. I would be leaving on my trip to Israel in mere days and they wanted to deal with this issue before my departure. The very next day after stopping Paxil I feel 10 times better. My doctor's office instead prescribes me Propranolol, a situational anxiety pill rather than a daily anxiety pill.
4 different medications later (Xanax, Wellbutrin, Paxil, Propranolol) my biology seems to be under control - and just in time for my trip. In fact, the first day I felt really better was on my 33rd birthday, two days before my trip to Israel. This is when I truly began to feel the excitement and crave the adventure upcoming. I am thankful that the anxiety and depression that I experienced will help me to help others going through the same feelings. I will be able to empathize. I can show them that I am no longer a prisoner to anxiety and depression, that there is hope for them, too. Praise be to God! I am so grateful for the leading of the Spirit. Pastor Chuck Swindoll once said, "Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it." I believe that to be true. Despite what has happened to me, life is good. My reaction to my misfortune has been to seek God.
Also, I am set to arrive in Israel exactly 100 days after being free of my ex-wife's websites. I feel like a prisoner who has been set free!
I have taken up hockey again. As I said before, God wrote that sport on my heart. My first game was not very good. Jen got to see me lose 8-0 in the beer leagues. But, by the second game, I was back to my old self, winning 6-4 and getting applause as I walked into the locker room. I remain humble, because before that second game I decided to put into words why I was returning to hockey. You see, hockey was part of my tower that had come down. I had been the starting goalie for the Washington D.C. Fillibusters in Major League Roller Hockey's AA division. We had won the league championship in the finals against the Chicago Rollersnakes. But, I hadn't been playing hockey for the right reasons. I had been playing for my own pride and glory. Now, I look forward to the day I can praise Jesus, and point to how He stayed with me through the lows and brought me back to the top in hockey. I play hockey to one day proclaim that. I want hockey to be a jewel in a crown that I can lay at His feet.
Though you have made me see troubles,
many and bitter,
you will restore my life again;
from the depths of the earth
you will again bring me up.
You will increase my honor
and comfort me once more.
Psalm 71:20-21
***
I lay in bed. I'm awake, but it's not because of anxiety. I'm awake because I'm extremely excited about the adventure that starts tomorrow. Tomorrow I leave home and set off on a life changing adventure to the holy land, Israel, a land God himself holds in great importance. I will never read my Bible the same again. Now that's something worth losing a little sleep over.
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