My new life is starting, the life where my ex-wife is not one flesh with me. I truly gave up my wife to be closer to Him. In her Match.com profile she says she is looking for an atheist. She tells me I need to find a Christian woman, someone that won't scoff at my lifestyle. She's right, and if I had the choice between being the hurter or the hurtee, I would choose the hurtee every time.
Due to some complications with the divorce (The court dismissed my case saying that she was never served divorce papers. However, she was served. The court lost the documents.). I had to appear before a judge to have the case reinstated. So, at 8:30 AM I sat down in a court room with many others and waited to appear before the judge. Those with lawyers went before those without (since lawyers charge by the hour). I watched case after dysfunctional case. My case was one of the last to be heard since I represented myself. I had a front row seat to our broken world. As the noon hour came and went, I think most people would have complained to themselves at having to waste their whole morning. But, it gave me perspective. I have the best baby daddy situation I've ever heard of. I got the kids, the house, most of the possessions, the child support. My ex-wife just walked away and things are mostly civil. I didn't even need to pay a lawyer. I have no doubt in my mind that my heavenly Father is watching out for me; He has given me a spacious place. My case was at last called and I whispered a silent prayer as I stood, "God, hold me." I approached the judge. I won my case and the divorce was put back on track.
How abundant are the good things
that you have stored up for those who fear you,
that you bestow in the sight of all,
on those who take refuge in you.
-Psalm 31:19
Sometimes I have trouble saying "Your will be done," when I pray because of what those types of prayers have done to my life. I'm such a fool when I think this way. Even now He gives me glimpses of what He prepares for me. Each tear shed along the journey will have been worth it. Times I have doubted "His will be done" will be hilarious. I will look back at my suffering with a wide smile, I have no doubt. It's just that it can be hard when you're in the moment and your world seems chaotic.
Money is tight, even with child support. I turned my worry into prayer. Isn't God amazing? Why is He so good to me?
Meanwhile, my ex-wife was involved in a car accident. She is fine but her car has about $4000 worth of damage to it. One of the ways I hold out hope that she would come to Christ is through crisis (or through her kids leading her). She has not hit rock bottom yet, but knowing what I know about the choices she continues to make, I think she is heading for it rapidly. We make choices in life and those choices make us. We make our bed and we have to sleep in it. How she acted those first 2 weeks after she came back, that was how it was supposed to be. I didn't give up on that version of "us"; she did. I can't be held responsible for what she has become instead. Pray for her.
If I'm not careful I can dwell too much on her mistakes. Bitterness can make you miss moments in life. I took an hour break in my hot tub and at the end of the hour I realized I had been absent the whole time, a prisoner to thoughts that were no longer my problem. I had about 1 minute total, at the end, where I heard and felt the cool rain drops that night. I have since figured out a way NOT to dwell on her mistakes. Instead, I refocus my thoughts on myself and how I can avoid falling into the same sin. What can I learn and how can I apply this to my own life? I can't change her I can only change myself.
I came home one night and felt a little down. My ex-wife was at the house putting the kids to bed (she has visitation on Tuesdays & Thursdays). I was in the kitchen and Brynn, my 3 year old, came running up to me, "Daddy, God loves you." I knelt down and told her that God loves her, too. She went back to her room and a little while later she ran back up to me, "Daddy, God is always with you." This is something that she was taught in our new children's ministry at HomeFront and a concept we are focusing on at home. My ex-wife watched all of this. Brynn walked up to her and said, "Mommy, God loves you." What a smart kid, I thought to myself. I found out later that Brynn had also asked mommy to pray with her. Apparently my 3 year old took my ex-wife by the hand and the 3 year old did the praying. I wish I could have listened to it because I have never heard Brynn pray before. I don't know what kind of effect this has on my ex-wife, or if one day it will change her heart, but I know that my Brynn gave me hope that anything is possible.
I mentioned that I had dedicated my house to God with my small group. All these things that I keep in the divorce, they are all on loan. They are not mine, they are His. Even my children. The time approached to dedicate to raising the kids in a Christ-centered home. I had previously signed up to have the kids dedicated at Church, but the week before the ceremony I found out that my then wife had rejected Christ for atheism. I did not feel right dedicating them at that time because a house divided cannot stand. Now, she is gone.
Sometimes I will secretly watch one of the kids playing. They are so innocent and sweet. I wonder what kind of effect the divorce will have on them. I get really sad knowing that they have already had a taste of hardship. My ex-wife's decisions have had a negative effect on the kids. I have forgiven her the affair, I have forgiven her the abandonment, I have forgiven her the financial waste. I need to forgive her for what she has done to the three children. This is a hard one. I never thought I'd be a single dad raising a 5, 3, and 1 year old. I don't think anyone would deny I have been dealt an awful hand. My test will be how I play that hand.
It's a massive responsibility to live my life in such a way that my kids choose Christ instead of the morally relative ways of their mother. So many in the world today shape God into their own image rather than acknowledge the truth that they were made in His image. Even "Christians" can be guilty of doing this, rejecting certain portions of the scripture because they don't agree with His ways. But His ways are higher than mine, and my children must understand this, too. I've heard it said that a child's understanding of God comes from the personality of their father. I'm not sure how much truth to put into that theory, but just in case I must guard my every action and word.
As the child dedication approached, I sat down with Pastor Josh to go over the details. We were to go up on stage before our Church family where Josh would read a letter that I had written to the kids. I would then declare that I had accepted Jesus Christ as my savior and declare that I would raise the kids in a Christ-centered home. The Church family would then declare their support and Josh would pray over us. Josh told me he had no reservations about this dedication. He told me that I have more faith than many families with two parents. I needed to hear that. Sometimes this walk can be so hard and we constantly wonder if we are walking it as we should.
Below is the video of the Child Dedication. The kids seemed to have a good time up on stage.
Moving ahead in my new life, I sometimes find myself worrying. The Bible gives us many instances of sound theology about how and why we are not to worry. That's all well and good when we have our Bibles open listening to a sermon in Church. But what about when your wife, the mother of your three children, cheats on you? What then? What about when you pour your heart into reconciliation, but she does not? What then? I would like to think I have that all figured out but the truth is that God is still working on me. I'm seeking first His Kingdom and I must trust that everything else will be added to me. There is only one type of person that need worry in this life: a person without Christ.
On the day of my divorce, worry reared its ugly head when I seemingly lost the paper work hours before I was to appear in court. I remembered the end of Matthew chapter 6 as I scrambled around the house. I was a parabola of worry and faith. First would enter into my head thoughts like, "How could I be so stupid?" followed by thoughts of "God is in control. Lord, I place this problem in your hands." followed by "Why isn't it where it's supposed to be?!" followed by "It's okay. Even if the divorce doesn't happen today, His will be done." Suddenly, the location of the paperwork sprang into my mind and I retrieved it.
The day of my divorce felt like my anti-wedding. The gravity of the situation set in. It felt dark. What had started with a priest would end with a judge. Once again I prayed, "God, hold me."
At the court house I sat waiting outside the judge's courtroom. Time passed and more people began showing up and waiting. In fact, things seemed to be running behind. The court room was 20 minutes late from opening. Like a flash of lightning I stood up, realizing something was wrong. I asked the other folks if they were waiting for the same courtroom to open. They were not. I left the 6th flood and went down the elevator to the 1st flood to consult the map and find out where the clerk was located. The clerk was on the 2nd floor so I went there next. She explained that my case was being refereed on the 4th floor. I went there and entered the courtroom just as the last case was being heard. I checked in. If I had been 3 minutes later the courtroom would have adjourned and I would have had to reschedule. But that didn't happen. God held me. He guided me and would not let me screw it up.
From there, the divorce was finalized. I am unyoked. My new life is all for Him.
