My Work Here is Done

For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.’  - Matthew 25:42-43

My wife has moved out.  The kids and I have the house to ourselves again.  This time it's different though, because this time I asked for the divorce.  My work here is done.

When I ponder this choice, a choice that determines the direction of the rest of my life, I do NOT wonder if I somehow failed her, I only wonder if I somehow failed Him.  I take that as a good sign.  Four times since the decision was made I have prayed to God, "God, have I done the right thing?"  All four times a peace has come over me; my anxiety vanished in a tangible, literal way.

When she came back, we had 2 good weeks at home.  However, I poured my soul into 5 months.  I tried, and did so under some of the worst circumstances.  She did not try.  She says, "My heart wasn't in it."  But, surely I tell you, a marriage takes two.  Toward the end, I decided to count the cost of staying with her.  I realized very quickly that my list of costs was, well, stupid:

• Married to someone with a different definition of marriage.
• Married to someone that is mean to me on a daily basis.
• Married to someone who flirts with other people.
• Constant depression.
• Constant rejection.

Is this a list of costs?  Or is this a list of reasons to run in the opposite direction, to take Matthew 19:9 and unyoke?  I couldn't find it in myself to be a servant to someone who treats me like a doormat.  I feel guilty about that sometimes but it had become increasingly clear that my work with her was finished.  I had kept giving it month after month.  But she wasn't trying, she didn't wear her ring, and our divorce that had been paid for would soon expire unless I invoked the final steps.  Not all abuse is physical, sometimes it's emotional.  When you're escaping abuse you don't always have a plan but what's important is that you get away from the abuser.  I don't know what direction my life will take from here but I do know this:  God did not lift me up so that I could run back to what knocked me down.

Having my wife back accomplished several things that I am aware of, and perhaps a few mysteries that I am not aware of.  Here's what I know:

• The Israel trip is still happening.  Thanks to this 5 months it financially can happen.
• Seed was cast as in the parable of the sower (Matthew 13).  I just don't know where it will land.  Either way, my life was the proof of Christ's love.
• I learned Grace.
• I taught Grace.
• I will never have to wonder, "What if?"  I got my answer.

My wife is not 100% at fault for the divorce.  However, I want to make this clear and I need to say this:  I'm not 50% at fault.  I'm not even 20%.  I accept my portion of blame in the divorce and I wish her the best of luck trying to find someone with no faults.  However, her solution to those problems (cheating and not trying to reconcile) are squarely on her.  While I worked through devotionals to improve my marriage, she was sleeping with another man.  An affair is the coward's way and I cannot bestow bravery.  I have enough sin in my life to ask forgiveness for without heaping on hers.  Make a list of my sins and hurl your stones but please leave the lies off the list.  Sometimes the Enemy will whisper lies.  Sometimes I believe them.  But when I really break it down, really look at the facts, I realize that they are just lies.  My wife has a tendency to blame-shift, to blame anyone but herself (me / the kids), to manipulate the conversation in such a way so as to justify cheating on me.  To all those out there that are victims of emotional abuse, do not believe these lies.  They will make the abuse seem like your own fault.  They will drag you down.  I remember asking her to forgive me my portion of the blame; she told me she did not know if she could.  There was no grace in her heart for my portion.

Looking back now I recall one of the mornings that she pretended to go into work early so that she could go sleep with him.  Her car was snowed in at the end of the driveway.  I got out of my warm bed and prepared to go into the cold to dig her out.  She was adamant about not letting me perform this act of service.  She wanted desperately to believe that I wasn't a sweet guy, that she was justified in her actions.  Lies.  I have two core lies about myself that I struggle with.  One is that I'm a failure.  This lie has in the past driven me to try too many hobbies and spread myself thin trying to be the best.  My life is different now but I still need to watch out for that lie manifesting itself in other forms.  The second lie is that I'm a bad husband.  The truth is that I'm a good husband.  Don't get that confused with perfect husband, but I am a good husband.

My wife has a problem forgiving herself, and I wonder sometimes if it has to do with the fact that she doesn't take responsibility in the first place.  Yes, I was critical when I asked for more help with the house work.  Yes, I was critical when I got angry at how she spoke to the kids and treated them.  Yes, I was critical that her promises to me, both big and small, were rarely followed through on.  Yes, I could have showed more grace in all three areas.  She also informed me that I had let my appearance go.  All of these are petty reasons to give up on your marriage.  My wife is a prime example of someone who defends their sin rather than mourns over it (consider the difference between King Saul and King David).

"It will never do to plead sin as an excuse of sin, or to attempt to justify sinful acts by pleading that we have an evil heart.  This instead of being a valid apology, is the very grounds of our condemnation."  -Archibald Alexander

Relationships are not perfect, and if you go into them thinking they will be you are setting yourself up for failure.  God will judge me, and He will judge her.

There were some straws that broke the camel's back, so to speak, but I don't want to get into them lest you think they were the reason.  I'd rather mention overall ideas wherein my wife and I have a different definition of marriage.  I feel jaded; how did I manage to choose a person with a disregard for marriage?  Where does my fault lie?  For instance, I wore my ring, she did not.  She wanted to go out until 3 AM to the bar with guys and girls and I was not allowed to join.  She password protected her phone; I thought that being "one flesh" meant that we did not have password protected parts of our lives.  She would later admit that she was using her phone to look at pornography; once again she had broken a promise to me.  Intimacy with her husband had been replaced by porn (a little research online led me to know that this was not uncommon for porn addicts).  You can look at these things and take sides as to your own definition of marriage, but the point is that she and I are opposites when it comes to these things and more.  One of the first things she did after splitting was change her Facebook status to read, "Interested in Men and Women."  Rejecting Christ, turning to bi-sexuality and pornography, giving up on her marriage...  there's no doubt in my mind she is having a serious identity crisis.  It's hard looking at old photos of us as a family because she is no longer that person.  She is dramatically different.  It's no fun being married to a hedonist, spending her time in pursuit of pleasure even if that means sharing someone else's bed.  She needs God, but that is her choice, too.

On the night I told her I wanted a divorce she told me that it was not what she wanted.  I told her, "Convince me."  She said nothing.  There was no fight in her.  She had already mentally left months ago.  Even counseling was a matter of going through the motions.  She even skipped counseling in the week leading up to this.  I wonder sometimes what she meant by, "It's not what I want."  Want what?  Not me.  Money?  A house?  Security?  Now, she says the divorce is a mutual decision.

Telling the kids was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.  My wife didn't even cry.  I have only seen her cry about this whole mess a few times, and each time she has cried because of the shame she feels around her friends.  Whether real or imagined she feels rejected by them.  All I can tell her is that they will come around.  I tell her to live out the rest of her life in a manner that will prove any of their negative conceptions wrong.  I reassure her that I forgive her and that I love her.  There's nothing more I can do for her.  I leave it in the hands of the almighty God.  No matter how powerful we think we are there are some things that we can't do, like change a soul.  She has to live with her choices, and I can't make her try.

There are moments when I forget all the bad.  I want to run to her and ask her to come home.  I make a quick mental list of the reasons that lead me to this choice.  I have to remember the words of Jesus in Matthew 19:9.  The feeling passes.  She and I could have been better than ever.  We both had to try for this to have worked.

God has placed 2 people in my life that have gone through very similar situations.  Both of these individuals (one a man and one a woman) caught their spouse cheating on them, tried to reconcile above and beyond, and both had to be the one to end the relationship.  Several long conversations later have helped further convince me that I made the right choice.  I thank God for both of them, and if they are reading this, it is no accident you came and talked to me.  Thank you.

At the advice of my former counselor, my Small Group and I went through my entire house praying in each room.  We dedicated the house and property to God.  I also placed my cross back over the front door.  This is once again a house of constant prayer and worship music.  No more walking on egg shells.  I can be my true self - my best me - in Christ.  Next time I won't wait so long to be the spiritual leader the husband is supposed to be.  That is my biggest regret.

My goal for this blog is to take the reader through my trip to Israel.  In the end I envision it to have 33 posts.  This is post #16.  The second half of this Blog stands to be quite different from the first half.  Consider this the end of Book 1.  Book 2 will have more challenging incites; are you ready for it?  This is not how I would have scripted my life, but I don't want to be the one to write the script anyway.

Here I am, God.  Send me.